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Friday, 7 January 1881
I tell all these ladies about the knaveries of which I am the victim, and as everyone is on my side that is further proof that I am right. Several tell me they thought me stronger and that I have let myself be taken in. I admit it, but it is so fine to leave duplicity and intrigue to others as their speciality! I said leave — that is not exact; I leave it to them because I recognise that I am definitely incapable of intrigue and tittle-tattle. It is so tiring, so tedious; in short, I do not know how to do it. And then it is also a satisfaction to know oneself better than others. To be taken in and to have people know it — why, it is a delicious feeling! It is almost a certificate of honesty, of candour. And conscience! To have a clear conscience and see the baseness of others, to see oneself clean and the others dirty, even to the detriment of one’s interests — but the detriment almost disappears in those conditions, and the more one is a victim, the greater the enjoyment!Vendredi 7 janvier 1881
Obviously, at the first friction I ought to say: “If that is how it is, I shall not do your picture...” But that would fill Amélie with joy, for she would have seen her efforts crowned with success. If I do not withdraw, it is for that reason alone. It would be playing the game of those dirty creatures. I say all this out loud and add that I shall let things take their course, convinced that Amélie will not consent to get in my way so horribly. I pretend to believe it is impossible and put on a good face for Julian, who is very put out at having committed this mean trick, and for Amélie, who is very pleased. On Sunday they knock down the partition, on Monday I move in, and if I see that she is going ahead with her precious plan I shall act astonished, and if she persists I shall withdraw calmly. She cannot possibly insist under those conditions, and if she commits the atrocious indelicacy of staying all the same, I shall be avenged by nothing more than the base meanness of her action — hers and Julian’s, who will have permitted such a horror. Then I shall have a fine part to play as the victim!
Evidemment aux premiers tiraillements je devrais dire: si c’est ainsi je ne le fais pas votre tableau... Mais ce serait combler de joie Amélie qui aurait vu ses efforts couronnés de succès. Si je ne me retire pas c’est uniquement pour cette raison. Ce serait faire le jeu de ces sales créatures. Je dis tout cela tout haut et ajoute que je vais laisser aller les choses convaincue qu’Amélie n’acceptera pas de me gêner si horriblement. Je fais semblant de croire que c’est impossible et fais bon visage à Julian qui est très embêté d’avoir commis cette vilenie et à Amélie qui est très contente. Dimanche on démolit la cloison, lundi je m’installe et si je vois qu’elle donne suite à son cher projet je fais l’étonnée et si elle persiste je me retire avec calme. Il est impossible qu’elle y tienne dans ces conditions-là et si elle commet l’atroce indélicatesse de rester quand même je serai vengée rien que par la basse vilenie de son action et d’elle et de Julian qui aura permis une telle horreur. C’est alors que j’aurai un beau rôle de victime !
I go to the Gavinis’.
Je vais chez les Gavini.