Thursday, 11 October 1883

I forgot to note the arrival of my uncle Wladimir — he has come to take away his brother Georges and to try to save his fortune and perhaps benefit from it a little. At any rate it will always be better than seeing the whole thing pillaged by strangers. If it succeeds, Dina will one day be able to inherit, and we shall be rid of that horrible man who is poisoning our life in Paris.

Instead of a [Crossed out: cigarette, Bojidar] will hold between his fingers a nasturtium branch that he will have torn from the balcony. He does not smoke, and this flower completes the originality [and is not ridiculous].

Yesterday we went to call on the Gavinis, who want me to marry — Alexis.

They have lost hope of making me the happiness of a charming little Frenchman — so a Karageorgevitch will do. But get married.

"But if you become a pretender's wife, will you not give up painting?"

But no — the Queen of Romania paints and writes.

I even showed them details of the Queen's work. It is the only way to make them accept serious painting. How stupid they are! All of them.

Ah! What misery.

Am I then so very superior to all these people?…

No matter — they bore me.

If Bastien ends by marrying the Mackay, it will be a great imaginary sorrow.

I made his acquaintance twenty months ago — in February 1882, I believe — he was then in his first year of Mackay; it has thus been going on for nearly three years.

In short, he adores her still — it is irritating. For that matter, why should he no longer love her? It is I who am foolish to desire the love of a man I know to be very much in love elsewhere.

In short… God is just. I am beginning to believe that God is just. I made a game of my bereavement, even a game of sending the death notices — Bojidar was there and we were laughing as I asked for the thirtieth time whether Bastien-Lepage's address was included.

And now his grandfather is dead; he is probably very grieved and not thinking of formal notifications — or else we are forgotten. All of this is very just.

I shall try to be better in the future. God is just.

Why does one please the indifferent more than those one loves?

les chiens couchants ne vous touchent que lorsque ce sont des gens... humbles et dont les hommages pourraient presque blesser. Un ver de terre amoureux d'une étoile et arrogant ! Fi l'horreur... Mais entre égaux... En somme je suis bien décidée d'être très ferme et ne plus faire comme jusqu'à présent, car j'avoue que très souvent il m'arrive de ne pas faire une réponse qui me vient aux lèvres même avec des Bojidar, tandis que ces Bojidar disent ce qu'ils pensent. Mais moi c'est par délicatesse, il me semble que à moins de cas urgents il faut toujours éviter tout ce qui peut paraître le moins du monde désagréable, et même contredire avec assurance me paraît un manque de politesse, de cette politesse rare qui vous fait quelquefois laisser dire des choses estropiées pour ne pas les réfuter. Enfin ces adorables sentiments seraient de mise si nous étions au moins trente à les pratiquer, mais dans les gens que je vois peu, pensent comme moi et si j'étais exquise je passerais pour une personne sur laquelle on peut s'asseoir; [Mots noircis: depuis quelque temps] je vois qu'il faut absolument parler de ce que l'on sait, citer des auteurs et faire des incursions dans le domaine de la science; être jusqu'à un certain point instruite me paraissait si simple que je n'en parlais pas, et l'on a quelquefois pensé que je suis une bonne petite étrangère parlant bien français et voilà tout. Because one leads the indifferent; one is not afraid of displeasing them, one does not care about losing them; whereas with the others one becomes timid, loses one's assurance, is embarrassed, loses one's sparkle, one's strength — that little self-confident air which is like the health and youth of one's manner. In short, one pleases almost always by chance; one pleases when one does not think about it. And also those who are indifferent to you are always your servants… Well, since I believe this to be true, one has only to force oneself to behave with everyone as I behave with Saint-Amand, for instance — whom I train like a lapdog, but then he needs it. But the courage fails. And if he were to take offence… And if he were to stop coming? An interesting one, of course. It is very difficult, but once the effort is made the success is almost certain. In any case one gains nothing from timidity — I know this by experience. Sycophants only move you when they are people… humble, whose homage might almost wound you. An earthworm in love with a star and arrogant about it! Ugh, how horrid… But between equals… In sum, I am quite resolved to be very firm and no longer do as I have done until now; for I confess that very often I fail to give an answer that comes to my lips, even with the Bojidars — while those Bojidars say what they think. But in me it is delicacy; it seems to me that, except in urgent cases, one must always avoid everything that might appear even the least bit disagreeable. Even to contradict with assurance seems to me a lack of that rare politeness which sometimes makes you let mangled things be said rather than refuting them. At any rate these adorable sentiments would be fitting if at least thirty of us practised them — but among the people I see, few think as I do; and if I were exquisite, I would pass for someone who can be sat upon. [Blacked out: lately] I see that one must absolutely speak of what one knows, cite authors, and make forays into the domain of science. Being to some degree educated seemed so natural to me that I did not mention it — and people have sometimes thought me a nice little foreigner speaking good French and nothing more.

One must also speak often of virtue, use the words society, propriety, decorum, etc., etc. Such things are not in the least understood to be implied.

And if in certain company one is simple, laughing, a good-natured princess, one will be taken for an easy girl. [Blacked out: As for me,] until… until recently, I always thought all that went without saying, and that the consideration due to us was beyond question… Well.

Why did I write all that?