Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 9 October 1883

The portrait of Bojidar seems to me… good. Julian says it could be a great success — very original, very fresh — and that it will appear like a learned Manet.
To me it seems charming. He is leaning on the balcony railing, the body almost full-face and the head in profile against the sky; one sees the building site, the houses, the rooftops, the street, a cab. It is very like him, everyone agrees — but I would like something more in the face. The skull and body are very accurate, even to my eyes. There are nasturtiums on the balcony and he is crumpling one between his fingers while looking down into the street; his other hand is in his pocket. It is life-size, half-length — there is still the hand to do.
But around half past five I catch a sky effect — a little red, with a crescent moon just, just, just what I need for my Holy Women. I have made a quick sketch of it at once. The painting can only be done from imagination — impossible to have a sky like that pose for you. I very much want to set to work on it at once; now I could do it in three weeks.
Let us try all the same… It will not be worse at Concarneau in November than in October… And then… one must do what draws one, in the right moment — the psychological moment.
I have my sky, and I shall go south for the terrain, the plants. I have the model here. When will I need to go south — let me see: when I have done the figures and the sky, in forty-five days; and once there, perhaps I shall find some painting to do, for I am not certain of the Holy Women. It can succeed, or it can drag on for three years…
But that sky… Oh — if it were only a pastel… But no, I want life-size. It will be more gripping.
Wait still longer? Perhaps — for I was right to wait. A few months ago I would have spoiled the execution; I wanted to paint it in parts… and I did not yet understand sufficiently the blending it requires. And then I want to be known first, and to send this painting only under a recognized name — without that, it risks passing unnoticed… Whom to consult? Who will be frank? Who will see clearly?
It will be you again, my only friend; you will be frank at least, and you love me.
Yes — I love myself; I, alone.
Yes, I must finish the street urchins. Have another painting to send with it. Exhibit Bojidar in a winter exhibition, at the Cercle — and a portrait of Dina as well.
And have a sculpture. That is the dream.
It is possible.
In two months I can have done another painting. In December I begin the sculpture and Dina's portrait. Ah, my God — let us write less and work. I am afraid of catching cold in Brittany — if I am ill, everything is lost. And I have only to hold on, for my wretched breathing is bad and I am growing thin.
Well… We shall see.
But I recall having reproached Tony for advising me to make the painting from studies. I reproach him still — for to do it from studies, to water it down as it were, is horrible. What I want to do is to make it almost entirely from feeling, using only the studies as support, looking at the sky every evening. The model would pose on the balcony; the landscape I have dreamed perhaps does not exist, I shall always have to arrange it — so I shall use only the tones and certain passages of the terrain to make it alive. Copying the evening effect is impossible from life — it lasts ten minutes. So I am of Tony's opinion after all.
Yes and no — the difference is barely perceptible, and all of it perhaps consists in the way we would do it, he or I — in our feelings and our eyes.