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Sunday, 27 June 1880

Dimanche 27 juin 1880

I did some modeling in the morning.

J'ai fait du modelage le matin.

Madame Engelhardt at lunch, after which we went to the Gavinis'. Madame criticizes my hat. Perhaps she has had enough of me, just as I have had enough of her.

Madame Engelhardt a dejeuner apres quoi chez les Gavini. Madame critique mon chapeau. Elle a peut-etre autant assez de moi, que moi assez d'elle.

La Pernety, the Daveaus, Nervo, etc. I am as low as possible, but one must appear cheerful, and this suppressed misery makes me old and stupid. I no longer know what to say, I laugh by force, I listen, I utter banalities, and I want to weep.

La Pernety, les Daveau, Nervo, etc... Je suis aussi bas que possible, mais il faut avoir l'air gai, et cette misere rentree me rend vieille et bete. Je ne sais plus rien dire, ris par force, ecoute, dis des banalites et voudrais pleurer.

At Mme de Brimond's, where we go afterward, it is the same; I feel old, wilted.

Chez Mme de Brimond ou nous allons apres, c'est la meme chose; je me sens vieille, fletrie.

Misery of miseries!

Misere de misere !

Apart from my art, which I began from fancy and ambition, which I continued from vanity and which I now adore --- apart from this passion, for it is a passion, I have nothing, or the most atrocious of existences! Ah! misery of miseries. And yet there are happy people on this earth. Happy --- that is too much; a bearable existence would suffice for me, and with what I have, that would be happiness. I am not spoiled. Tears and a white hair.

En dehors de mon art, que j'ai commence par fantaisie et ambition, que j'ai continue par vanite et que j'adore maintenant, en dehors de cette passion, car c'est une passion, je n'ai rien ou la plus atroce des existences ! Ah ! misere de misere. Il y a pourtant des gens heureux sur la terre. Heureux, c'est trop, une existence supportable me suffirait, avec ce que j'ai, ce serait le bonheur. Je ne suis pas gatee. Des larmes et un cheveu blanc.

Madame de Quincy came to introduce Gaillard to us as her future husband. They are charming and happy.

Madame de Quincy est venue nous presenter Gaillard comme son futur mari. Ils sont gentils et heureux.

I had just finished reading Seraphita by Balzac when this letter from Soutzo was brought to me. I read it through twice; the second time it seemed less impressive, but it is not bad all the same. And after rereading half of it a third time, I want to write this to him, but I shall wait until tomorrow. I reread the letter, which is not good --- if one were to pick it apart --- [Crossed out: to love gradually] A love that has no real outpouring, and if he is losing his head, it is not from loving but from not being loved --- as La Palice would say.^lapalice

Je sortais de lire "Seraphita" de Balzac quand on m'apporte cette lettre de Soutzo. Je la relie deux fois, a la seconde fois, elle me parait moins bien, mais elle n'est pas mal tout de meme. Et apres en avoir relu une moitie pour la troisieme fois, j'ai envie de lui ecrire ceci, mais j'attendrai demain. J'ai relu la lettre, qui n'est pas bien, si on l'epluchait l,[Raye : aimer a petit feu] Un amour qui n'a aucun epanchement vrai, et s'il perd la tete ce n'est pas d'aimer, c'est de ne pas etre aime comme La Palice.

And yet it is a response to my stupid manual.

Pourtant c'est une reponse a mon manuel stupide.

Notes

An allusion to the truistic "Lapalissades," obvious statements derived from the satirical song about Jacques de La Palice. ↩

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