[Letter to Pierret, not sent:]

"Monsieur,

It is with profound regret that I find myself obliged to return to a subject that appeared to be settled.

C'est avec un profond regret que je me vois forcée de revenir sur un sujet qui semblait être éclairci.

After the explanations you were kind enough to give and which were conveyed to me last Tuesday, I telegraphed to Rome. You will doubtless have suspected that it is from Rome that your so-called words were communicated to me. The person persists most strangely.

Après les explications que vous avez eu la bonté de donner et qui m'ont été transmises mardi dernier, j'ai télégraphié à Rome. Vous vous êtes sûrement douté que c'est de Rome que m'ont été communiquées vos, soit-disant, paroles. La personne s'obstine étrangement.

Sure of your good faith, Monsieur, I shall therefore ask you to settle the question by writing me a line or two stating what you said on Tuesday.

Sûre de votre bonne foi, Monsieur je vous prierai donc de trancher la question en m'écrivant en deux mots ce que vous avez dit mardi.

I trust you will see in this request nothing but what is perfectly natural, understanding the complete impossibility of bringing the parties face to face — which, being most difficult, would also be perfectly disagreeable.

J'espère que vous ne verrez dans cette demande rien que de fort naturel, comprenant toute l'impossibilité d'une mise en présence des parties, qui étant fort difficile, serait en même temps parfaitement désagréable.

Please accept, Monsieur, the expression of my distinguished consideration.

Agréez Monsieur l'expression de ma considération distinguée.

Marie Bashkirtseff"

It has not yet been sent, but it will be.

Ce n'est pas encore envoyé, mais le sera.

It is impossible to conceive of my melancholy mood. I wear the monk's costume well enough, but I am far from accepting his condition.

Impossible de se faire une idée de ma triste humeur. Je porte bien le costume de moine mais je suis loin d'accepter sa condition.

It is infamous!

C'est infâme !

And I had the misfortune to go to the Opera to hear Donizetti's Poliuto.¹⁸

Et j'ai eu le tort d'aller à l'Opéra entendre "Le Poliuto" de Donizetti.

[Detailed description of white opera dress and the hostile atmosphere]

M. Pierret was in the stalls.

M. Pierret était à l'orchestre.

Audiffret, exceedingly handsome, in his box.

Audiffret, excessivement beau, dans sa loge.

[Account of hostile stares from Mme Harris and others, strategic conversation with Galula about family situation] ## Thursday, 11 January 1877

[Account of hostile stares from Mme Harris and others, strategic conversation with Galula about family situation]

[Description of monk's costume affecting reactions, skating improvements, evening arrangements for mirror fortune-telling]

They are keeping Fortuné in Russia! My father does not reply! ## Friday, 12 January 1877

On retient Fortuné en Russie ! Mon père ne répond pas !

I was born on the 12th of November, but I was only meant to be born on the 12th of January; accordingly my age is reckoned from the 12th of January, old style.¹⁹ So in twelve days I shall be eighteen...

Je suis née le 12 novembre mais je devais *naître* le 12 janvier seulement, aussi compte-t-on mon âge à partir du 12 janvier, vieux style. Donc dans douze jours j'aurai dix-huit ans...

[Merjeevsky's birthday visit with flowers; detailed description of Marie's blue satin bedroom suite resembling l'intérieur d'une boîte à gants — the interior of a glove-box]

[Merjeevsky's birthday visit with flowers, detailed description of Marie's blue satin bedroom suite resembling "l'intérieur d'une boîte à gants"]

[Extensive analysis of the failed Russian trip and father's betrayals]

M. Constantin Bashkirtseff married the most beautiful and most virtuous of women... He made this woman perfectly miserable... And with her beauty she could have... done all that others have done and who are both honoured and wealthy and beautiful — like the Souvoroff, for example.

M. Constantin Bashkirtseff a épousé la plus belle et la plus vertueuse des femmes... Il a rendu cette femme parfaitement malheureuse... Et avec sa beauté elle aurait pu... faire tout ce que les autres ont fait et qui sont et honorées et riches et belles comme la Souvoroff par exemple.

[Complete rejection of father: "this man is not my father"]

[Complete rejection of father: "cet homme n'est pas mon père"]

I remained two hours before the mirror and saw nothing. Tomorrow — or rather today — is our New Year. ## Saturday, 13 January / 1 January 1877

Je suis restée deux heures devant le miroir et je n'ai rien vu. Demain ou plutôt aujourd'hui, c'est notre nouvel an.

[Russian New Year celebrations, skating success, social disappointments]

Only Carnival... I shall give myself leave again for this last Carnival. I shall not spend it in Rome to watch the balls and festivities go past my nose, and then go to the balcony to hear Plowden recount where he has been and with whom such-and-such danced.

Seulement le carnaval... je me donne congé encore pour ce dernier carnaval. Je n'irai pas le passer à Rome pour me voir passer sous le nez les bals et les fêtes et pour aller au balcon entendre Plowden raconter où il a été et avec qui tel ou telle ont dansé.

Ah! Wretchedness of wretchednesses! ## Sunday, 14 January 1877

Ah ! Misère des misères !

[Final letter to father renouncing him forever] ## Monday, 15 January 1877

[Final letter to father renouncing him forever]

[Nostalgic analysis of the Audiffret relationship and lost opportunities]

A rather curious fact to note: never, from the first day of my acquaintance with Audiffret — in no conversation, at no picnic — have I appeared for a single moment to have any wit.

Un fait assez curieux à constater c'est que jamais, depuis le premier jour de notre connaissance avec Audiffret, dans aucune conversation, à aucun pique-nique, je n'ai eu un instant l'air d'avoir de l'esprit.

[Reflection on missed chances and continuing attraction to Audiffret] ## Tuesday, 16 January 1877

[Reflection on missed chances and continuing attraction to Audiffret]

[Italian correspondence with Angelini, elaborate skating costume description]

[Analysis of social isolation and defensive luxury]

Beneath my monk's hood I pour forth the grossest insults, I call them infamous and I weep; and to maintain a sort of impassivity before them I keep my hood pulled down to my chin. ## Wednesday, 17 January 1877

Dessous mon capuchon de moine je vomis les plus grosses injures, je les traite d'infâmes et je pleure, et pour garder une sorte d'impassibilité vis-à-vis d'elles je tiens mon capuchon rabattu jusqu'au menton.

[Social observations about her dress causing speculation, philosophical reflections on love and marriage]

When shall I ever know what this Love is that everyone speaks of so much?

Quand donc saurais-je ce que c'est que cet Amour dont on parle tant ?

[Analysis of past romantic attachments: Antonelli (despised), Audiffret (wounded by), Boreel (childhood), Hamilton (fantasy)]

I should like to marry a prince and become a widow after having given him two sons... A... regent can sleep in peace. ## Thursday, 18 January 1877

Je voudrais épouser un prince et devenir veuve après lui avoir donné deux fils... Une... régente peut dormir tranquille.

[Skating rink social success with aristocratic gathering, but underlying sadness at Christmas celebrations]

Alone, I was sombre. One cannot conceive what harm such festivities do me.

Seule, j'étais sombre. On ne saurait croire quel mal me font de pareilles fêtes.

Mme Tutcheff is giving a ball this evening.

Mme Tutcheff donne un bal ce soir.

Oh! What a life!

Oh ! quelle vie !

And I have not enough strength of character to stay hidden.

Et je n'ai pas assez de caractère pour rester cachée.

Notes

Poliuto — opera by Gaetano Donizetti (composed 1838, premiered 1848); a work about a Christian martyr, its themes of sacrifice and isolation would have resonated darkly with Marie's mood. ↩

vieux style — the Old Style (Julian) calendar, which Russia used until 1918; it ran 12-13 days behind the Gregorian calendar. Marie was born 11 November 1858 (Gregorian), corresponding to 24 November old style, but she chose to observe her birthday on 12 January old style. ↩

Previous entry Notebook overview Next entry