Tuesday, 31 October 1876 (19 October)

My father arrived first thing in the morning, delighted by my complaints against Alexandre; he held himself haughtily and was very cold. So I went to his room and told him that he was mistaken, and that if he kept on in that tone I should be forced to break with him; that my uncle and his wife are my dearest friends, and that if I allowed myself some wild words in a moment of anger, I do not intend others to take advantage of them to become rude. The gentleman, who had thought to please me by falling in with my way of seeing things, was very much surprised by this speech and came back to our rooms to dance attendance on my dear friends.

On the occasion of the new law on horses, Petersburg has sent us some fifteen officers of the Guards who, because of their mission, naturally have dealings with my father, and he tells me that they have asked permission to come to Gavronzi, and that one of them saw me in the train at Petersburg: Count Soumarokoff. That is the name of one of the officers at Peterhof; I heard the others who were there call him that.

It must have been Gedanoff who told them about me, for these officers have not seen me here.

I asked him to invite them all, but my father curtly refused, and when Gedanoff was announced he sent word that I was undressed; the same for another.

I do not understand this mania for shutting me away! He even tried to stop me from going out with Nadine, but I went out with my dear, good friend; we drove about the town at the hour when all these animals were out. I was wearing a hat made entirely of black wings with a green sheen, and my white pelisse. It was modest, but I am pretty, and people stopped to look at me.

We met Miloradovitch, who bowed to me eagerly and to whom I barely bowed back. Further on, we took Alexandre up into our carriage, and he told me that he had met Gritz on the stairs and that this young blockhead¹ had asked him whom I had been with at Kharkoff and how long I had spent at his house, etc., etc.; in short, he gave him to understand that he was avoiding meeting Bashkirtseff, or something like it.

We saw him again, and each time he stops as if dazed and looks at me. Alexandre and Nadine claim that he is in love with me. What of it!

— They have turned him away from you, said Alexandre, but believe me, you will have him yet. They drove him off. And take care; nobody will tell you this, but take care... Your youth and your innocence, whatever you may say, are not protection enough; be careful.

I wanted to take other streets, but Nadine begged me not to.

— The whole town will know which way you went, and they will say that you went to pass in front of so-and-so’s house.

Wretched hole of a town! Abominable society, filthy morals!

The young lady who was introduced to me yesterday has already gone and told it to a relation of ours, who told Alexandre.

My father got tipsy at dinner, and Alexandre set about singing my praises to him and proving that nothing in the world would be better than our being reunited, he, Maman and I: “Live abroad for a few months,” he kept telling him.

But Bashkirtseff was tipsy; besides, tipsy or not, it is all the same.

Alexandre went out, telling me that pigs had no appreciation of pearls.

And to think that I spoke to him from the bottom of my heart! — he said.

In the evening my father took me for a drive in a cab, told me that he had been almost mad with sadness while I was away, and tried out such nonsense against the Babanines, by way of spite, that I did not even answer.

He complimented me on my blooming looks.

— It is the town, Kharkoff, that has revived me, for, I said, at Gavronzi I no longer dressed up, I let myself go, and for whom should I go to the trouble? You must love me without that... my father.

— Hm, yes, you are mistaken, I have no fatherly love for you, but...

He was drunk, no doubt.

I found my friends uneasy; they told me I had been gone a very long time, and they looked at me strangely.

I blushed with horror.

God is my witness, I came here without prejudice, without hatred. I shall not set down my conclusions; I shall reproduce a conversation, or try to.

When my father, after a visit from Michel, went with him to join the gentlemen who, next to our rooms, are celebrating the anniversary of the prince’s flight from the Imperial Lyceum, I opened the connecting door and listened to their proceedings from behind a curtain. My father sat down next to Miloradovitch, toasts were drunk, there was laughter, and Gedanoff, rising, delivered the following speech:

— You dare to laugh at Michel, gentlemen! He fled the Lyceum, and you mock him! You do not suspect the heroism of that act! The prince felt that he was the scabby sheep of the flock, and so as not to spread the contagion, he ran away!

But that is not the point.

I went to Alexandre and Nadine, whose room is next to mine, to talk about Poltava, the drive, Gritz, everything.

— Where were you driving all that time? asked my uncle; I was already beginning to be afraid. No, I had a better opinion of him before!.. One should not even speak to him, it is not worth the trouble. I opened the door and found him on his knees before you while you were doing your hair.

It is true. I hid my burning face behind the samovar while my uncle went on in the same vein.

— Poor little one, poor dear child, it is sometimes a misfortune to be too pretty. Oh! why despair? Be calm!

— Is it possible! But if you knew how I have felt since the first time you told me that horrible thing!

— Forgive me, you are like my daughter; I am blunt, but you are innocent, and nobody will warn you if I do not, nobody in the world. You are still a child, an angel, but be careful; you understand me, and you forgive me for speaking to you like this.

— Nadine darling, he went on, speaking to his wife, it is marvellous! Everyone is in love with her, and even... hm, even that blockhead,² that devil...

— Who?

— Bashkirtseff.

— How horrible!

— Poor darling.

And he began to laugh strangely, [words crossed out]

— With me?!

— Yes.

— Oh!

— My dear, my poor child, cried Nadine, kissing me.

— Uncle, I said, it is impossible.

— Silly little thing, believe me when I tell you. You are too young; you will see plenty more of the same! Let us say no more about it, it is nothing, do not be outraged; but I love your mother, I love you, and I am doing my duty: I am warning you. They are all in love with you.

— Even my father! Fie, never.

— Even he. What a hothead! Do not be outraged, keep on good terms, take him abroad, but be careful! They drove Gritz away because they knew beforehand that you preferred him to them.

— But then why take him! In that case he can be of no use to me, quite the contrary!

— No, no, little one, you do not understand everything yet. He will be useful; keep him for a month, you can manage that, and then let him go; his presence will do your position over there good.

— Oh! how horrible, how horrible!

— There is no talking to her! She is quicksilver; she cries out, she despairs. You see, it is a bad thing to be beautiful.

— I am not beautiful, there are others more beautiful than I, I am barely tolerable!

— Little darling, you know nothing, either of you. There are beauties one looks at like a work of art, like a handsome piece of furniture, and one passes on. But your beauty leaps to the eye, holds one and carries one away... you are women, the two of you, you do not understand these things. The other evening, coming out of the box during the interval, mingling with the crowd, I heard enough! I know what I am saying.

Then he kept coming back to Bashkirtseff, told me to be careful, and laughed as if to himself.

But for him I should never in my life dare to say what I had understood before he did.

— Oh! I cried, it is enough to drive one mad, to make one drown oneself, to die!

I have a violent headache. I cried for a long time.

I am sunk on every side. I need not speak of my disgust!

One knows certain things without admitting them to oneself, and when one does admit them, one is struck as though they were truly new and unexpected.

Is there a creature in the world more pursued by horror than I!

Abysses everywhere, abominations everywhere.

Now I believe the cup is full, and all that one can bear morally I have borne.

The smallest circumstances pass through my mind again, and I understand many things that I did not understand then.

So that is why... that, and something else, and this, and everything!

And I who hoped to find a father, a support! Ah! he would be useful to me indeed — to drive everyone away, to make scenes like now!

— I understand, said Nadine, why Marie could not live with that man.

Oh! yes, I understand my mother! Now I remember those words of Alexandre’s, said long ago, three weeks ago.

— He is a nasty man, he said, and he would stop at nothing in the world. He has no principles, no morals, no honesty; and he is capable of anything.

Oh! my father!

— You do not pity me, you do not love me! — he would say.

I wanted to talk still more, to remember still more, as one remembers phrases of a foreign language that one knew by heart without understanding them, once one has learned that language. I wanted to go on marvelling at human abomination, and I can find nothing else to say but these words: how horrible!

So it is not an invention of depraved novelists! So it can exist in nature!

But why cry out. He has...

What more are You preparing for me? My God, what must I still suffer? I am ready, my God; the more You crush me, the more I resign myself.

Great God! if You exist, show Yourself, say that You Are, and I am saved.

Then I will believe in You, for the abominations of this earth make me think that God is an invention.

My God, reveal Yourself to me and I will serve You and adore You all my life.

My God, let this be a dream! My God, look at what is happening, take pity on Your creature...

So I am beautiful.... I am not even very pretty. If I were a historical personage, all these infamies would be cited as proofs of my beauty.

(dreamily) O woman.

And Alexandre, even as he warned me, said that men were all like that, and in answer to my despairing, outraged, disgusted phrases he assured me, laughing at my terror, that it was nothing; and Nadine consoled me and begged me to be patient, not to cause a scandal.

— If I told you this, Alexandre went on, it is because nobody else would ever have told you.

And, growing tender, he went on: “We are still little, poor dear Mouche.”

I am grateful to him. He has shaken me to the core, but he has saved me too. Who knows what might happen. It is in such circumstances that one knows one’s friends and one’s family.

Do not suppose any tricks or slanders. I grant my uncle a few pecuniary peccadilloes, but as for his family, all of us... I wish everyone were like him. Besides, as I have said before, we are remarkable for our good, sincere relations, for the absence of intrigue or trickery towards one another. Man is not perfect, but as to this, it is certain. And it is a great consolation from God in our misfortunes.

All the Babanine brothers adore Maman and love my aunt because she adores Maman. Alexandre and Étienne stand out because they see them more often. Emile was the most loving of all, but he is dead.

So then, suppose no treachery. Besides, since I suppose none myself...

Alexandre only said it; I saw for myself.

Oh! but how horrible!