Вівторок, 6 травня 1873
# Mardi 6 mai 1873
Pluie. Maman est levée, Mlle Collignon aussi. A la promenade (robe noire, chapeau de toile cirée, pas mal). En voiture fermée pour quelques commissions, puis à la maison.
Je dois tell in what continuous trouble I am; always afraid to hear the word Duke or even a name which bears a Duke, because I blush. And at my lessons, when I read, 1 am so miserable that 1 do not understand the half of what I read, being in continuous anxiety to meet "Duke". Particularly in the History of Germany, where there are always dukes. I become so red when I get the reading book, and begin to me moucher, to conceal it. If he only knew how troubled I am for his sake at dinner, at breakfast, at every moment when I am with mamma, my aunt, and all the house. I hold my handkerchief near the mouth, in case if "Duke" comes and particularly Hamilton to affect that I cough or something of that sort. I never sit down to be ready to go out if his name will be said or something about his family, because I am instantly red, trembling and say quite the contrary of what I wish to say.
This is why mamma scolds me for my bad manners, it is natural that I appear to have bad manners, 1 am always suspended, not knowing what to do, inquiet, always afraid to blush, and if I do so they will guess what 1 think, and if he goes to her or... will be married, they will look at me as at a litte fool, and consider it a mortification for me it is so horrible to be complained in such cases, Mlle Collignon for instance, she is looked at by all in the house, as a *offensée, humiliée, etc.*
While if even some dreadful horror happens, I will bury it in myself, and nobody will know it, and nobody will complain me
I must confess that I am pretty satisfied with my face, not always, but sometimes. Il really think I am pretty. I should like to know some competent man express his opinion on the subject. I often pass my time before the looking-glass. It is not right, but it is so. 1 particularly like to look at me at *crépuscule* with candles behind me so as to have a some what blue reflection on the face and the ears transparent red I
am very often occupied so. I will not conceal that I am often annoyed in a society of women, and I prefer that of men. The women's society is indispensable like bread for a well *posée* woman in society. Because if a woman neglects women and old people, they will be cross against her and she will be calomniée.
There are the rules: as women must be often in society of women and old people, it is obligatoire for her well-being and when she has done this she may do what she pleases, be with men, *coqueter* even For if she has the hatred of women, she has only to die for these have a pretty long tongue particularly against a pretty one, if she is the most innocent in the world they will charge her with all sorts of crimes, being jealous and ugly. I will follow these rules. They are mine.