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Tuesday, 6 May 1873

# Mardi 6 mai 1873

Rain. Maman is up, Mlle Collignon as well. At the promenade (black dress, oilcloth hat — not bad). In a closed carriage for some errands, then home.

Pluie. Maman est levée, Mlle Collignon aussi. A la promenade (robe noire, chapeau de toile cirée, pas mal). En voiture fermée pour quelques commissions, puis à la maison.

I must tell in what continuous trouble I am — always afraid to hear the word "Duke," or even a name which bears a Duke, because I blush. And at my lessons, when I read, I am so miserable that I do not understand the half of what I read, being in continuous anxiety to meet "Duke." Particularly in the History of Germany, where there are always dukes. I become so red when I get the reading book, and begin to me moucher,² to conceal it. If he only knew how troubled I am for his sake — at dinner, at breakfast, at every moment when I am with Mamma, my aunt, and all the house. I hold my handkerchief near my mouth, in case "Duke" comes, and particularly "Hamilton," to affect that I cough or something of that sort. I never sit down, to be ready to go out if his name will be said, or something about his family, because I am instantly red, trembling, and say quite the contrary of what I wish to say.¹

Je dois tell in what continuous trouble I am; always afraid to hear the word Duke or even a name which bears a Duke, because I blush. And at my lessons, when I read, 1 am so miserable that 1 do not understand the half of what I read, being in continuous anxiety to meet "Duke". Particularly in the History of Germany, where there are always dukes. I become so red when I get the reading book, and begin to me moucher, to conceal it. If he only knew how troubled I am for his sake at dinner, at breakfast, at every moment when I am with mamma, my aunt, and all the house. I hold my handkerchief near the mouth, in case if "Duke" comes and particularly Hamilton to affect that I cough or something of that sort. I never sit down to be ready to go out if his name will be said or something about his family, because I am instantly red, trembling and say quite the contrary of what I wish to say.

This is why Mamma scolds me for my bad manners. It is natural that I appear to have bad manners; I am always suspended, not knowing what to do, inquiet,³ always afraid to blush — and if I do so, they will guess what I think. And if he goes to her, or will be married, they will look at me as at a little fool and consider it a mortification for me. It is so horrible to be pitied in such cases — Mlle Collignon, for instance, she is looked at by all in the house as an offensée, humiliée, etc.¹

This is why mamma scolds me for my bad manners, it is natural that I appear to have bad manners, 1 am always suspended, not knowing what to do, inquiet, always afraid to blush, and if I do so they will guess what 1 think, and if he goes to her or... will be married, they will look at me as at a litte fool, and consider it a mortification for me it is so horrible to be complained in such cases, Mlle Collignon for instance, she is looked at by all in the house, as a *offensée, humiliée, etc.*

While if even some dreadful horror happens, I will bury it in myself, and nobody will know it, and nobody will pity me.¹

While if even some dreadful horror happens, I will bury it in myself, and nobody will know it, and nobody will complain me

I must confess that I am pretty satisfied with my face — not always, but sometimes. I really think I am pretty. I should like to know some competent man's opinion on the subject. I often pass my time before the looking-glass. It is not right, but it is so. I particularly like to look at myself at crépuscule,⁴ with candles behind me, so as to have a somewhat blue reflection on the face and the ears transparent red!¹

I must confess that I am pretty satisfied with my face, not always, but sometimes. Il really think I am pretty. I should like to know some competent man express his opinion on the subject. I often pass my time before the looking-glass. It is not right, but it is so. 1 particularly like to look at me at *crépuscule* with candles behind me so as to have a some what blue reflection on the face and the ears transparent red I

I am very often occupied so. I will not conceal that I am often annoyed in the society of women and I prefer that of men. Women's society is indispensable, like bread, for a well-posée⁵ woman in society. Because if a woman neglects women and old people, they will be cross with her and she will be calomniée.⁶

am very often occupied so. I will not conceal that I am often annoyed in a society of women, and I prefer that of men. The women's society is indispensable like bread for a well *posée* woman in society. Because if a woman neglects women and old people, they will be cross against her and she will be calomniée.

There are the rules: as women must be often in the society of women and old people, it is obligatoire⁷ for her well-being; and when she has done this, she may do what she pleases — be with men, coqueter⁸ even. For if she has the hatred of women, she has only to die, for these have a pretty long tongue, particularly against a pretty one; if she is the most innocent in the world, they will charge her with all sorts of crimes, being jealous and ugly. I will follow these rules. They are mine.¹

There are the rules: as women must be often in society of women and old people, it is obligatoire for her well-being and when she has done this she may do what she pleases, be with men, *coqueter* even For if she has the hatred of women, she has only to die for these have a pretty long tongue particularly against a pretty one, if she is the most innocent in the world they will charge her with all sorts of crimes, being jealous and ugly. I will follow these rules. They are mine.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩

To blow my nose. ↩

Anxious. ↩

Twilight. ↩

Well-established (in society). ↩

Slandered. ↩

Obligatory. ↩

To flirt. ↩

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