Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 18 August 1883

Mme Cartwright and her daughter, her mother, and her nephew come to see me. She is proud to display a family. And I have the opportunity to speak of Bastien — while mocking him, praising Cazin, and teasing Tchernitsky. [Blacked out: but really] Cartwright speaks of Mackay. Mackay is Prussian, married to an American; her son is eighteen. She liked Bastien for the prices his paintings fetch, and he fell madly in love with her — for she was his first society woman, and he had taken her for the enormously rich Mackay at first. It appears that at the outset of this love affair he wrote ravishing letters to Cartwright in which he spoke of Mackay in such poetic terms and such lovely turns of phrase — so sincere and so moved — that it was exquisite. I run him down slightly so that no one shall say that… But at bottom — explain to me why I like Cartwright.
It appears Maman wrote her something disagreeable.
Maman is away; when she returns I shall not see this lady. The Bastien family also said not to see her — and it is only to talk about Bastien that…
I am young… I shall be so for a long time yet.
I like this Cartwright.
In any case. It appears Mackay affects perfect naivety. She once asked whether it was truly possible for a married man to court a woman other than his wife… And if she had no son, she would ask whether children come from cabbages… Delicious child.
My voice is returning.
But what if… Suppose Jules… In any case that love must be rather worn out by now — two years on. She presents herself as a respectable woman… Good Lord!
Dawn — something. If… If Giulio knows or imagines that his brother is fond of me… he must also know that such feeling can never be known to me, nor have any expression whatsoever… not at all… in any way… In short, even knowing this, Giulio was perhaps ashamed to show himself along the same path, and if by some extraordinary chance he had some tincture of love or admiration, he will never show it to me, nor to his brother — naturally; it would be foolish to suffer the other's humiliation — he must believe himself a great man worthy of many things… In any case, would that brother be an obstacle?
But he does not think of me — if he had a wish to think of me, he would not show it… because of the other; if it is true that the other admires me, he admires me as I admire Giulio — it must be something similar, and perhaps more…
Well — if Dina saw that I was greatly attracted to someone by whom I could never be loved, Dina would do nothing to win that heart — of that I am certain. But!… but… that is not the whole of it.
I would like to know whether the other truly cares for me enough to have confessed it to great Giulio, or whether great Giulio merely suspects that blind devotion…
Whatever the case, no one shall ever know that I thought of that… little peasant from Damvillers whom Cartwright knew in the dead-end street — I forget which one — behind Montparnasse, who was then wearing a ridiculous pair of blue trousers and took Mackay for a society woman…
One ought to try not to speak of it — but when I have something in my head… it is impossible.

Notes

In Italian in the original: "Aurora qualche cosa. Se... Se Giulio sa o immagina che il fratello mi vuole bene... deve anche saper che quel sentimento non può mai essere conosciuto da me nè avere qualchessia espressione... neppure... in nessun modo... Infine beuchè sapendo questo lui, Giulio aveva forse vergogna di nostrarsi nello stessa camino e se per straordinario avesse qualche infezione d'amore o d'ammirazione non me lo fara mai veder, nè al fratello... s'intende; sarebbe sciocco d'aver l'umiliazione dell'altro, deve credersi un grande uomo degno di molte cose... In ogni modo quel fratello sarebbe un impedimento?" Note: Marie's Italian contains characteristic spelling errors (beuchè for benché; nostrarsi for mostrarsi; camino for cammino; infezione for affezione). ↩
In Italian in the original: "Ma lui non pensa a me se avesse voglia di pensarci non lo mostrerebbe... per cagione dell'altro se è vero che l'altro mi ammira, mi ammira come io ammiro Giulio, deve essere qualche cosa di simile e forse di più..." ↩
In Italian in the original (first sentence): "Ebbene, Dina se vedesse che a me piacesse molto un tale dal quale io non potrei mai essere amata, Dina no farebbe nulla per guadagnare quel cuore, ne sono sicura." ↩
In Italian in the original: "Vorrei sapere se veramente l'altro mi vuole bene assai per confessarsi al gran Giulio o se salamente il gran Giulio a sospetti di quella ciecha devozione..." Note: Marie's Italian has errors (salamente for solamente; ciecha for cieca). ↩
In Italian in the original (first clause): "Quel che sia, nessuno non sapia mai che io ho pensato a quel..." ↩