Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 7 May 1881

I dreamed of Cassagnac — I was being accused and he was protecting me. Ah, what a charming dream. Is it then possible that...
I went to the administration to request that the canvas be lowered to the line, but I did it very badly — because I find it stupid to ask such a thing, and I said so to the man.
La Bailleul and her father, Morgan, Sautoy, Bojidar — who brings me as a gift a black morocco portfolio for filing correspondence alphabetically. Then the Tchoumakoffs, the Juvisys, the Gavinis, Saint-Amand, Villevieille.
My father wants to leave tomorrow and Maman must leave. It throws everything into disorder.
And I — shall I leave too? Why stay? I shall do plein air studies there and we shall return for Biarritz.
On the other hand, they say Ems would do me good... Ah — everything is indifferent to me; there is nothing for me.
It is laughable to see myself beginning my day by speaking of Cassagnac. Have I room for such things! Cassagnac, heart, love — all that — I am ashamed of it. Ah, it is not a matter of feeling — I am far too unhappy for that. Good God, it is enough to drive one mad; have pity on me, Lord. My worthy family is at the circus; those people will return and speak of what they saw. They close the windows because of my cough and they are killing me.
I have been suffering for six years — at every moment. For two Saturdays now Mme de Peyronney should have come. I was expecting it. Around seven o'clock I had white spots before my eyes to the point of not being able to make out a face three steps away. I longed to faint so as to frighten my family — but those grim idiots would have sent for fifteen doctors and attributed my illness to a bath I might have taken or to my morning expedition to the Salon. Ah — this life, it must end.
To marry! But then he...
It is precisely in order to find a suitable marriage that I must get out of the situation I am in!!!
I wish they were back from the circus already. And why? To talk of the same thing. And what for? There it all is — what is the use. I am losing my mind. They cannot... anyway it is like that — it is my fate; I am lost. I shall kill myself at thirty if I am not dead before.
They say Gambetta is to marry one of the Durand girls — sister of la Lewin (Clémentine) and of Lucie who married M. Roux, a millionaire created Marquis d'Escombrera by the King of Spain. Those girls have extraordinary luck. Not like me.

Notes

Bad Ems: a German spa town on the Rhine, famous for its mineral springs used to treat respiratory conditions, including tuberculosis. It was a fashionable resort for European aristocracy throughout the 19th century. ↩
The visual disturbance (white spots or papillons) is an early symptom of the tuberculosis that would kill Marie in 1884. At this point she does not connect these episodes directly to her illness. ↩
Léon Gambetta (1838–1882): the great republican statesman and former Prime Minister. By 1881 he was out of office but still a major political figure. The rumoured marriage was apparently false; he died in January 1882. ↩