Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 17 January 1880

A great crowd of people. I slip away for an hour to try on at Worth's. It is M. Jean Worth (the son) who attends to me. He constructed the costume on me, twenty-seven women around me and he on his knees attaching the roses and draping the crepe de Chine.
I am dressed as Recamier, in white crepe de Chine with a peplum trimmed with silver fringe, and traversing the whole a garland of white roses without foliage.
Such arms, such a neck!! The hair all swept up, a Psyche knot and a crown of white roses tied with a silver ribbon; this silver knot is a marvel, the ribbons seem to take flight. The draperies of crepe let one see a skirt of striped gauze trimmed with heavy fringe that presses against the feet at the slightest movement. The waist, although beneath the bosom, is marvellously outlined by all these folds of crepe de Chine that cling to the body. I assure you it is a marvel (price 1,300 francs), all the more so as it is perhaps the only costume in the world that makes me a beauty, a true beauty.
But what perplexity!
To go or not to go? You will never imagine it... At last at half past eight I go to the Gavinis'. Maman is against this ball.
The Gavinis are perfectly informed about our troubles in Nice, and about everything, which makes their friendship all the more precious. But I have a terrible desire to go.
Gavini says that in our exceptional situation one must be prudent. "You have no man in the house and you are not connected with the Russian colony here. The slightest thing is important for you."
Well... Krishaber claims that my cough is purely nervous; it is possible, for I have no cold, no sore throat, no chest pain. I am simply suffocating and have a stitch in my right side. At last I return at eleven o'clock, and while wishing to fall gravely ill so as not to go to the ball, I dress. I am beautiful.
We arrive, but from the antechamber it seemed to me I was entering a disreputable place. In the first salon we greet Mme Adam, very amiable and who looks delighted to see us. And then I want to leave. It is like the Opera ball; the women are so ugly and disguised like those who dance at the Opera. Some are dressed as Pierrots. Mme Adam is very beautiful in a short costume, as a gypsy I believe. But her company! I feel alone, unhappy, out of place, and beg... Maman for us to leave. Alexis and Bojidar come to chat with us as we hide ourselves.
But people begin to look at me, just as the dancing stops. Ah! If I had known, I would have put on a wire negro head and come wrapped in a Bedouin cloak. Gaillard comes, but I am too frightened after everything the Gavinis said... besides, really, as far as women go, it is poorly composed. We ask for our carriage, and while waiting for it in the powder room where I have taken refuge, I simper and make eyes at Alexis!??!
There is beauty wasted. You know, I had caught sight of Hecht and immediately slipped away to the opposite side. That way I shall be able to say that I was not there. I shall say that I dressed but that upon arriving in the antechamber I reflected and we left again. Perhaps I was wrong not to make a tour of the salons, but really, this company... I did not know where I was, and with my face uncovered. But here I am known to Mme Adam; that is the main thing.
Arnaud sent his card to Alexis on New Year's Day. And Gabriel who claimed he had forgotten.
Gabriel said it to calm me because he is an angel and on all the earth there is only he who is honest and good.
O republican education! You know that Multedo recognized me at the Opera ball and that we supped together, he, I, and de Daillens. He never said a word about it to anyone. And Arnaud!
At last, I begin to believe that I may perhaps have occasion to justify myself...