Wednesday, 25 September 1878 — Notebook 082

CZENUK FR

22 September 1878
Villa Fortunée, Carabacel
Nice
Dear Marie,
I must no longer delay in writing to you, for you will probably have to leave for Russia despite your wish to put off that “disagreeable” journey until the spring, and I do not want you to leave Paris without our having talked together once more.
I would rather see you than write to you, but since that is impossible I must content myself.
Who knows whether you will come back any time soon! You who hate Russia so, and flee it — perhaps you will be detained and bound there by life and happiness. Places matter for little enough in our existence. One is well where one loves; everywhere else one is ill.
Only, if fate keeps you in your Native Land, do not forget me altogether; send me news of yourself from time to time, and remember to entrust your little girl to me when the Good Lord gives you one. I have a presentiment that you will soon be married.
Grand-papa will have shown himself generous towards you and Dina, I suppose. He scolded often, and very loudly sometimes, but he was very loving for all that. Poor Grand-papa!
You ought to give your dear Maman a little distraction. Take her away from Paris if you are not leaving soon for Russia. Do not leave her in that sad apartment where everything reminds her of her Father and of your devoted Walitsky. A change of place and of surroundings is the most effective of remedies; you must think of her now, and sacrifice yourselves a little for her who has sacrificed herself for others.
Il faudrait donner un peu de distractions à votre chère Maman. Emmenez-là de Paris si vous ne partez pas bientôt pour la Russie. Ne la laissez pas dans ce triste appartement où tout lui rappelle et son Père et votre dévoué Walitsky. Un changement d’endroit et d’entourage est le plus efficace des remèdes, il faut penser à elle maintenant et se sacrifier un peu pour elle qui s’est sacrifiée pour les autres.
I do not intend to stay where I am; as soon as I find something better I shall do as the ministers do — I shall resign. It is the life of a nun in a convent that I lead, and I am profoundly sick of it; one cannot always live with children, I need people of my own age. We see no one, we go to no one’s house; I live between the schoolroom and my bedroom; I cannot bear it any longer, this solitude weighs on me and is killing me. If at least the pecuniary and material advantages weighed in the other pan of the scales, I would be patient and tell myself that in time I should have my independence; but I have a most uncomfortable room into which not a ray of sun comes in winter, by way of remuneration 100 francs a month without laundry, and the prospect of spending my time between Nice and the mountains two months in summer, or quite simply Nice winter and summer.
Je ne pense pas rester où je suis, aussitôt que je trouverai mieux je ferai comme les ministres, je démissionnerai . C’est une vie de nonne au couvent que je mène et j’en suis profondément dégoûtée, on ne peut pas toujours vivre avec des enfants, j’ai besoin de personnes de mon âge. Nous ne voyons personne, nous n’allons chez personne, je vis entre la salle d’étude et ma chambre à coucher, je n’en puis plus, cette solitude me pèse et me tue. Encore si les avantages pécuniaires et matériels faisaient poids dans l’autre plateau de la balance , je patienterai et je me dirai qu’avec le temps j’aurais mon indépendance, mais j’ai une chambre très peu confortable et où en hiver ne vient pas un rayon de soleil, comme rémunération 100 Fr. par mois sans blanchissage et la perspective de passer mon temps entre Nice et les montagnes deux mois en été ou tout bonnement Nice hiver et été.
My parents are growing old. My Father has not been well for several months now, and I should like at the very least to spend a few months of the year in Paris, or near enough to be able to go there from time to time.
I assure you that life is very hard for those who wish to live honestly and honourably.
You speak of the Parliament at Versailles and find that its sittings are the most amusing thing in the world — what will you say of the sittings of the Reichstag just now? How ironic and biting he can be, that great devil Bismarck! I abhor socialism, republican though I am, but quite naturally I hate absolute power and all who defend it; besides, socialists and absolutists pursue the same end — the negation of the individual.
Vous parlez du Parlement de Versailles et vous trouvez que les séances sont ce qu’il y a de plus amusant au monde, que direz-vous des séances du Reichstag en ce moment, sait-il être ironique et mordant ce grand diable de Bismarck, j’ai horreur du socialisme toute républicaine que je sois, mais et tout naturellement je hais le pouvoir absolu et tous ceux qui le défendent , d’ailleurs socialistes et absolutistes poursuivent le même but la négation de l’individu.
You must have made immense progress in painting, always go on working; you have an immense future before you, and a talent like yours must not be thrown to the winds.
Here there is not a soul yet — crowds of workmen cleaning, painting, prettifying in readiness for the foreigners who are expected in crowds. They say the Season will be brilliant; we shall see — expectations are not always realities. The weather has grown considerably cooler and may be called bearable. Immense works are going on at Monte Carlo: 600 workmen are labouring night and day without respite at the enlargement of the Casino. The night work is done by electric light; it is curious to see. Last Sunday I went all the way there. Poor M. Némikoff is worse; he walks with difficulty and looks like a skeleton.
Ici pas une âme encore, les masses d’ouvriers nettoyant, peignant, enjolivant en vue des étrangers qu’on attend en masse. On dit que la Saison sera brillante, nous verrons, les anticipations ne sont pas toujours réalités. Le temps s’est considérablement rafraîchi et peut se dire supportable. On fait des travaux immenses à Monte Carlo, 600 ouvriers travaillent nuit et jour sans relâche à l’agrandissement du Casino. Les travaux de nuit se font à la lumière électrique, c’est curieux à voir. Dimanche dernier je suis allée jusque là. Le pauvre M. Némikoff est moins bien, il marche avec peine et à l’air d’un squelette.
You say of M. Barnola that he is an excellent man; I should like to say as much, but to my mind he has the form and not the substance. But after all, is it not natural? He is on the stage — he must needs play his part.
Goodbye, my very dear Marie; I ask only one thing of you: do not forget me.
Remember me to your dear Maman, to Mme Romanoff and to Dina.
And believe me ever yours,
C. COLLIGNON
P.S. Please give my regards to Marie Léontinovna; I hope the Paris air is doing her good.