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Monday, 22 April 1878
There are three new Swedish girls at the atelier, one of them very good. Schaeppi has told her all about me, so she and her two friends are on my side. Then I sat for my portrait, which Schaeppi is painting; so this week I shall be done with these chores. Then, dressed in black, I walk with Schaeppi from the Rond-Point to the Place de la Concorde. Though very simply dressed, I heard it said fifteen times that I have a divine figure. As for those who turned round... I did not count them. I had told Schaeppi to watch for it, and we were much amused. But what is the use of all that, since at home I find Blanc, who says people are saying that Cassagnac is marrying the daughter of Baroness Acard. We make no bones about saying that Cassagnac married would be something monstrous, frightful, ignoble, grotesque. She has only 20,000 to 30,000 livres a year. I shall have 40,000 to 50,000 on my wedding day. But before Blanc came, Maman and Dina met the great man, who asked them if he might come to dinner on Thursday. Could this be the recompense I was expecting from heaven?Lundi 22 avril 1878
Dina plays the madcap and I the sage; I say things that are very virtuous — which are, for that matter, only my innermost convictions, but which I am not in the habit of telling. Blanc treats me absolutely as an extraordinary woman: I am the most intelligent, the sweetest, the most everything that is best; I shall be famous; I laugh at everyone. But you know, he seems to believe it, though he says it half laughing. And what if I did not laugh at everything, what if I had other concerns than cutting out muscles and sticking them on the skeleton!... He seems not to admit the possibility. So much the better, but it annoys me all the same!
Dina fait la folle et moi la sage, je dis des choses très vertueuses qui ne sont que mes convictions intimes d’ailleurs, mais que je n’ai pas l’habitude de raconter. Blanc me traite absolument en femme extraordinaire, je suis la plus intelligente, la plus douce, la plus tout ce qu’il y a de mieux, je serai célèbre, je me moque de tout le monde. Mais vous savez qu’il a l’air de le croire quoiqu’il le dise moitié en riant. Et si je ne me moquais pas de tout, et si j’avais d’autres préoccupations que de tailler des muscles et les coller sur le squelette !... Il a l’air de ne pas l’admettre. Tant mieux mais cela m’agace quand même !
Blanc is not the man to put in a good word for me with anyone, though he himself is worse than a dog where I am concerned.
Ce n’est pas Blanc qui me servirait auprès de qui que ce soit quoiqu’il soit lui-même pire qu’un chien pour moi.
If only this week would end sooner! I waste my afternoons sitting; it would bore me to death if I were not reading the History of Germany meanwhile and taking notes, which I can do without looking. I mean to become famous all the same; if it is not to paint the portrait of Paul de Cassagnac, who, once married, will be utterly lost, it will be to paint someone else’s.
Si cette semaine doit finir plus vite ! Je perds mes après-midi en posant, cela m’assommerait si je ne lisais “L’histoire d’Allemagne” pendant ce temps et ne prenais des notes que je puis faire sans regarder. Je veux devenir célèbre quand même, si ce n’est pas pour faire le portrait de Paul de Cassagnac, qui marié sera perdu absolument, ce sera pour faire celui d’un autre.