❦

Friday, 6 August 1875

# Vendredi 6 aout 1875

I have just returned from the Opéra. They were giving La Juive. We were in a dark and cramped ground-floor box. I was only seen in the lobby. I was coiffed and dressed as I like and was satisfied with myself.

Je reviens de l'Opera. On donnait "La Juive". Nous etions dans une baignoire sombre et petite. On ne m'a vue qu'au foyer. J'etais coiffee et habillee comme j'aime et j'etais satisfaite de moi.

— "Truly, Worth gowns are rarely seen here, and so well that one trains one's eyes upon you," Smirnoff said to me — he was walking with Machenka behind Stiopa and me.

- "Vraiment ici on voit rarement des robes de Worth si bien que l'on braque les yeux sur vous," me dit Smirnoff qui marchait avec Machenka derriere moi et Stiopa.

It was not the gown they were looking at. I have a simple gown of white taffeta, entirely plain, made by Caroline. I have sheer stockings and yellow kid shoes with buckles. It was so lovely that Stiopa asked whether there would be a Buckingham to press my foot as he did Anne of Austria's.

Ce n'est pas la robe qu'on regardait. J'ai une simple robe de taffetas blanc, tout unie, faite par Caroline. J'ai des bas transparents et des souliers de peau jaune a boucles. C'etait si joli que Stiopa m'a demande s'il y aurait un Buckingham pour me presser le pied comme a Anne d'Autriche.

I was looking for d'Audiffret.

Je cherchais d'Audiffret.

The theatre is large — one sees no one without opera glasses — and seeing no one and being seen by no one, I was mortally bored.

Le theatre est grand, on ne voit personne sans binocle, or ne voyant pas et n'etant pas vue je m'ennuyais mortellement.

As for the singing, I paid almost no attention to it.

Quant au chant, je n'y ai presque pas fait attention.

I was to sit for my portrait at Walery's but it was too dark. I am so bored that it is unnatural, and I believe my heart is sick.

Je devais poser chez Walery mais il faisait trop sombre. Je m'ennuie tant que ce n'est pas naturel et je crois mon coeur malade.

I have come to the point of longing for Nice. I feel too small here. There I was not bored. But there too I am small — and more unhappy than here. There I am always humiliated and isolated; here I am lost in the multitude, and no one notices me — though as to the latter, I do not believe a word of it.

Je suis arrivee a desirer Nice. Je me sens trop petite ici. La je ne m'ennuyais pas. Mais la aussi je suis petite et plus malheureuse qu'ici. La je suis toujours humiliee et isolee, ici je suis perdue dans la multitude, personne ne me regarde (quant a ce dernier je n'en crois pas un mot).

I undress admiring my skin and my golden curls, and I say to myself: Who then is worthy of being loved, if I am disdained?

Je me deshabille en admirant ma peau et mes boucles dorees, et je me dis: Qui donc est digne d'etre aime si je suis dedaignee ?

I cannot bear anyone — Stiopa, his wife, Smirnoff — everyone jangles my nerves. I am wretched. I need an occupation; as long as I have none I shall think about my defeat and torment myself.

Je ne peux supporter personne, Stiopa, sa femme, Smirnoff, tous m'enervent. Je suis miserable. Il me faut une occupation tant que je n'en aurai pas je penserai a ma defaite et je me tourmenterai.

[Written across the page: What defeat? All this defeat is imagined. What did I want, then?]

[En travers: Quelle defaite ? Toute cette defaite est imaginee. Que voulais-je donc ?]

Ah! If only the weather were fine tomorrow I should go to the Bois — but no, the sky conspires against me and treats me ill!

Ah ! s'il faisait beau demain j'irais au Bois, mais non, le ciel conspire contre moi et me maltraite !

Let it be known that I desire fine weather in order to see that Niçois monster. Oh! I am a coward.

Je veux qu'on sache que je desire le beau temps pour voir ce monstre Nicois. Oh ! je suis lache.

There are moments when I think tenderly of this man and drift gently toward: I love him — but arriving at those three words I recoil and see that I do not love him, so that I myself do not know what I think, what I want, what I feel.

Il y a des moments ou je pense tendrement a cet homme et me conduis doucement vers: *je l'aime,* mais arrivee a ces trois mots je recule et vois que je ne l'aime pas, de sorte que je ne sais moi-meme ce que je pense, ce que je veux, ce que j'ai.

I am unnerved by the society here. I rage at not being part of it.

Je suis enervee par le monde d'ici. Je rage de n'en faire pas partie.

I see all these people, all these titled and wealthy women, all these elegant men. In my ears the great names resound, and my eyes are dazzled by the [Crossed out: armorials] coats of arms and the glittering liveries.

Je vois tous ces gens, toutes ces femmes titrees et riches, tous ces hommes elegants. A mes oreilles resonnent les grands noms et mes yeux sont eblouis par les [Raye: armoiries] blasons et les livrees etincelantes.

My God, why give me only the understanding and the longing!!

Mon Dieu, pourquoi ne m'avoir donne que la comprehension et l'envie !!

My God, take pity on my soul which is tearing itself apart.

Mon Dieu, prenez en pitie mon ame qui se dechire.

My God, forgive my mad ambition!

Mon Dieu, pardonnez ma folle ambition !

Previous entry Notebook overview Next entry