Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 30 August 1873

Yesterday the mosquitoes kept me from sleeping until perhaps seven o'clock, and then I lost sleep and tossed for at least another hour. Adam wakes me at five, as I shall rise every day now, but I sleep until eight. Then after the bath I write my diary, then the reply to Worth — he wrote yesterday that they could not find dark brown vicuna wool. I do not finish the letter, for I do not know what dress I want. All day I spend asking what dress, though I know that everything they can tell me is worthless, since I must keep my promise. They do not know this, and advise me on very pretty dresses that cannot be made.
I forgot, and instead of one hat I have two. And my blue dress has grey ribbed silk; I wrote to have it made without the silk. And to make up for the second hat I ordered the other dress in dark brown wool. I could have had black velvet, but I punish myself for the extra hat. In this way I am perfectly in order.
How stupid I am! To martyr oneself over a covering for human flesh! It is stupid. But because of my promise, I was stupefied. Now, thank God, all is arranged and I am at peace.
Maman is better. Princess Galitzine exaggerates so! She finds me pretty, very pretty; I do not think so, but if she thinks so, so much the better.
How I wish men found me as pretty as the princess does, etc.!
I wrote to Mantel and Therese to send a scarf hat to Maman — it will suit her.
In the morning I was at the fruit market with the princess (grey dress, wide hat). She haggled; I paid what they asked — I only go there once in a while by chance, and I should haggle! I gave a few coins to the women and children who surrounded me. My God, what joy! They looked at me as if I were a godsend. I do not haggle, and I give coins! A woman said to me: how kind you are! God bless you! Oh, if only God would cast a glance upon me. I return home. People stare at me and bother me. I began to arrange the hours for lessons, the days and all that. Tomorrow I hope to finish and begin my studies: nine hours a day. Oh, my God, give me energy, courage to study — I have it, but I want still more. I hope this time nothing will be interrupted, since there will be no more scoundrels in the house.
In the evening a little walk. I washed my hair. I want to make a box for cards or whatever in the shape of a jockey cap. It will be charming — a fine table ornament, a centerpiece. Poor Abramovitch, how I mourn him!

Notes

In English in the original. ↩
In English in the original. ↩