Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 17 June 1873

I woke rather late at nine, and learned that Mme Sapogenikoff spent the night at our house — that they arrived, Maman, my aunt, and Mme Sapogenikoff, at one in the morning, and talked until daylight. I was in my bed when she came to kiss me, saying she wanted to see me as I had seen her yesterday. We had tea at nearly eleven, all together. Mme Sapogenikoff recounted all her anonymous letters, slanders, troubles, etc. etc. She has a real Tolstoy over there. An hour after the second breakfast, at two, she left, accompanied by Maman and the others, to the station. Walitsky had procured her some money; he ran about all morning.
We stayed at home. I spent all the time until the Howards' arrival doing my hair. Only Hélène and Lise came. I reproached them for leaving Aggie and the boys behind, but they had a lesson (grey batiste dress, good). Before dinner we stayed in the garden. I threw the monkey into the water and watched him swim — for the first time. We dined; afterwards we played croquet. I used it for the first time today. Only one game; it lasted rather long, for I had difficulty playing well on the gravel. Then they brought the ices to the garden. After a few turns round the garden, Maman asked us to come inside; I obeyed, but I came in by the longest way.
We stayed a little longer in a room without candles, in the twilight, when Mme Howard arrived. And still she stayed a quarter of an hour before the children departed. I had a good time, on the whole.
I was very pale — and I have been for a long time; I am becoming ugly. They scolded me today because I am pale and have bags under my eyes. Is it my fault? And would I not give anything to be rosy and pretty? It is these triple emotions: the lost time, the missed lessons, the desire to learn, the anxiousness to know if I shall meet him, if he will love me. All this exhausts me to the highest degree.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩