Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 1 July 1884

The odious Sèvres again!
But I return early — five o'clock. It is more or less finished.
I wanted to go and see Jules, but Dina would not come — she affects to believe I am doing that invalid too much honour. [Words blacked out: And then she said that he has Mme] Mackay — I had already been thinking of that without her prompting, so I stayed at home. Indeed, why? And yet — what can this lady do to us? Nothing — and yet she troubles me greatly.
But Maman goes alone and returns enchanted. She made the acquaintance of his mother — they even embraced over an exchange of compliments about their children. And Jules was so charming that we shall send him tomorrow some broth and cutlets.
What kitchen preoccupations!
But I am in a mortal sadness — I am going badly in everything.
I would need some powerful distraction... And I, who do not believe in God, am counting on this God to send it to me...
After days of atrocious wretchedness, something has always happened to restore me to life.
My God — why do you permit me to reason? I should so much like to believe without conditions...
I believe in it or I do not — but... When I reason, I cannot believe. But in moments of misery or joy, deep down, the first thought is for this God who is so hard on me.
Maman has brought me the label from a painting returned from an exhibition — the traditional: Hors concours. Another relic — I already have a pen with which Bastien has drawn.
Gloriae Cupiditas
from Wednesday 2 July 1884 to [Thursday 11 September 1884], 30, rue Ampère, Paris