Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 20 May 1884

At ten o'clock to the Salon with M. Hayem. He says my painting is so accomplished that people believe I had assistance. It is atrocious.
He also dares say that Bastien has never known how to compose a painting, that he paints portraits and that his pictures are portraits — and also that he cannot do the nude. This Jew is remarkable: he speaks of the medal and is going to busy himself with the matter; he knows all the jury members, and so forth.
Leaving there we go to Tony's. In an agitated manner I tell him that people are accusing me of not having painted my own picture. Maman also.
He has heard nothing of it; he says it does not exist within the Jury, and that if anyone were to say it... he would be there.
He thinks us far more upset than I actually am, and we bring him to lunch at our house so he can calm us. He lavishes consolations — how can one be so easily moved, and so on. One kicks such filth aside. Etcetera.
I wish someone would say it in the Jury in front of me, he says — I would be devastating. If anyone ventured to say it, I would annihilate them.
Ah! but point-blank. For such an accusation is a very serious matter. I would back him into a corner and make him be precise, and I would flatten him. Ah! thoroughly.
— Oh! certainly not, sir.
— But no — there is no question of friendship here; it is simply because it is the truth and because I know it better than anyone.
He repeats these good things, and also that I have chances for the medal — one never knows, but I apparently have a great many chances.
We go to collect the Staritsky girls and take them to a sale at the Hôtel Drouot, then to the Salon.
I had barely put on a dressing gown at six o'clock when Hayem appears again!
No doubt he wants me to be well aware that he is going to stir himself on behalf of my medal — he makes this plain in every way. I see through you, O son of Israel! You have sensed that a thousand francs would not impress us, and that we are quite capable of giving you a canvas if you appear to give us a medal.
He asks whom I know on the Jury. But in truth almost no one. Only Tony. And then Carolus, Gervex, and Cabanel — to meet them once a year.
But this Hayem is in motion! He has been to see Cazin, Henner; he will go to Renouf, Roll, heaven knows who. Well — one must believe I have chances... and that my painting is worth while. He does not do this for nothing. And yes, your painting is absolutely powerful; it was not E. Bastien who brought me — it was I who asked him; I had already noticed your pastel; because I know my way around, I have instinct... You know, I am not paying you compliments — compliments!
Ah! if they had not paid him so many compliments, Bastien would have done far better! You do not want me to pay them to you... But on the whole your painting is defensible (see how he comes creeping up to diminish me in order to puff himself up) and I shall be happy to break lances on your behalf...
Oh! go ahead then!
He takes away the cuttings from the main newspapers — "it may prove useful."
"Go on, have no worries — if there is good news I shall arrive that same evening."
What zeal. I am thoroughly suspicious. He wants to be given a portrait head.
They say — Tony says — that Duez is very fond of my painting. Duez is on the Jury. But I shall have all the old guard against me.
For the rest I am very calm — preoccupied with my illness and with what I am going to do next; this Salon and these paintings are the past, and I am already looking forward. If I do not get the medal, my painting will none the less have been looked at.
Maman is distraught waiting for this medal, and there she is in bed with heaven knows what nervous cramps — she nearly wept all day. No!