Saturday, 5 November 1881

I am in Paris! Immense rapture. I was counting the hours, languishing in the railway carriage. The sharp air — or the burning sun of Spain — makes me find the grey calm of the beautiful city delicious, and I think with pleasure of the Louvre ceramics, I who found it boring even to think of them.

So I did thirty-six things — bought myself a hat, saw Doucet, then gathering all my studies I went to Tony’s and afterward to Julian’s.

They receive me with such sincere joy — above all Julian, with whom we stay chatting until half past six, the conversation having finally fallen on Cassagnac… As for my studies, it was already too dark; Tony alone has seen them — besides, they are rapid sketches disrupted by my family; nonetheless this kind young man thinks I am beginning to get the hang of it a little more…

The head of the assassin¹ is found very interesting. Ah! I am so glad to be there at last! Dear Tony and dear Julian — may heaven preserve both these friends to me.

He thought I would not be returning until much later and ill and perhaps not returning at all.

Ah! How sweet a thing is sympathy — but painting above all. Julian came to make me say what I have scarcely said here: that work alone will bring me celebrity — that is, it is he who says it — and that then Cassagnac, almost old, defeated politically, tired of a wife and a child, will find himself facing and with a little shining star — and then I shall do what I like. I confess to him frankly that it is my goal… In any case, even without that, one must succeed, one must succeed, one must succeed.

Tony was full of kindness and told me he would come and see me one of these evenings…

But why does Julian dispose me to speak of things — in short he seems to want me to go on loving him… And then… We talk of our building and the fine studio, and I say my family bores me so much that I am going to get married. He then jokes with me about Tony and asks whether I would seriously marry him… His father Rodolphe would gladly push me toward it — his Tony, such a charming young man — and it would be such an agreeable end. For they know me well — above all Julian — and do not have of me the opinion that some naïve imbeciles might form at first sight.

But I reply in a way that removes any idea of that sort from his mind. It is not that in moments of extreme weariness I would not be drawn toward a quiet and good partnership — and to think if the partnership were also artistic into the bargain… It might be charming — but what a thing it would be!

So I do not linger on it for an instant — it is just to say.

And in the evening with Bojidar we talk and nail up our Spanish fabrics. My bookcase is covered with textiles, embroideries, draperies, guitars, ornamented with ruffles arranged as trophies. And there is still a thousand small things to put in order — canvases, photographs, furniture, and more fabrics. Ah! How pleasant it is in the bosom of one’s family! By family I mean inanimate objects.

And Saint-Amand, whom I nearly forgot — he passes by there every day and came up at once… Joy and fraternity. Is she beautiful! Oh! let us travel no more — that is what will be fashionable — all the successes are ours etc. etc.