Tuesday, 25 June 1878

He must have received them this morning — but will that old beast say anything of it to his son?

Il doit les avoir reçues ce matin, mais ce vieil animal en dira-t-il quelque chose à son fils ?

I called at Laferrière's; she believes it is tomorrow at the town hall and Thursday at the church. So it is not even Saturday. I had hoped to have time to breathe. And so it will all be over? What consoles me... though in truth I do not know whether it consoles or distresses me — is that had I considered the possibility of marrying Cassagnac, I could have done so. I took him quite seriously, but I believed he cost more. And above all I always saw him surrounded by five or six women plus the Swede as a fixture, and I thought that to marry he would need to be in love — and I dared not desire that; it is such a delicate matter.

J'ai passé chez Laferrière, elle croit que c'est demain à la mairie et jeudi à l'église. Ainsi ce n'est même pas samedi. J'espérais avoir le temps de respirer. Ainsi tout va être fini ? Ce qui me console... au fait je ne sais si cela me console ou me désole, c'est que si j'avais pensé à la possibilité de me marier avec Cassagnac j'aurais pu le faire. Je le prenais tout à fait au sérieux et puis je croyais qu'il coûtait plus cher. Et surtout je le voyais toujours entre cinq ou six femmes plus la Suédoise comme permanence, et je pensais que pour se marier il lui faudrait aimer et je n'osais pas désirer cela, c'est un sujet si délicat.

I thought him expensive from the moment I ceased to believe he was not for sale. No — I never thought him for sale, never thought it because I thought something else entirely of him. And then when he questioned me about my allowance, and then about my dowry:

*Je pensais qu'il coûtait cher dès que j'avais cessé de croire qu'il n'était pas à vendre.* Non, je n'ai jamais pensé qu'il fût à vendre, je ne l'ai jamais pensé parce que j'en pensais tout autre chose. Et alors quand il m'a questionnée sur mon argent de poche puis sur ma dot :

— Have you thirty thousand francs a year? he asked. — I have nothing. — Well, he will not want you then... he being Gambetta. It was an exceptional opportunity to say a million things.

— Avez-vous 30.000 de rente ? a-t-il demandé. / — Je n'ai rien. / — Eh bien il ne voudra pas de vous... il c'était Gambetta. C'était une occasion hors ligne de dire un million de choses.

I was so innocent — and besides, how was one to suppose that this me in trousers was quite so much like all the rest!

J'étais si innocente et puis comment supposer que ce *moi* en pantalon fût tellement comme les autres !

[Written across the page: Only thirty thousand a year. My heart contracts when I think he asks so little and I was so stupid —] How, after all that, do I regret him? Knowing all this, could I have wanted him? But why? For knowing and understanding it all, it is impossible that I love him. No doubt — and yet I do regret him, I know not why, and also for ambition's sake: what if the Bonapartes were to return? Each of his successes will be a fresh heartbreak. They say the Acard girl is a cardinal's daughter — whether she is or not the connection exists, and Blanc had pronounced her a blot. What an immense disillusionment! I who had thought Paul de Cassagnac different from the rest! I had already discovered that he lied in small matters, and that he gave, with the utmost solemnity, words of honour that would have made Athos himself die of envy — and then broke them. The old father must be furious if the bride has only twenty thousand a year; I offer him seventy thousand, and then twice as much. I was afraid of crying — a groundless fear. But I am indignant and vexed because I can do nothing, and because it is irrevocable — irrevocable things always enrage me. It is oppressively hot! When one is working, it is dreadful. Only... perhaps it is all for the best. But how stupid of me not to have thought of it sooner. By involving an older woman and conducting oneself as a girl who offers her partnership, I could have done it as easily as ordering a dress from Laferrière. As for the rest, I have no very acute anxieties; marriage changes little in that regard, and I only laugh to think I am not the only one... Oh! but whatever I do, for or against — it is written. Perhaps I shall not hold out much longer... I believe I shall, though; after all, he is a man who deserves that one should be drawn in by the game. I shall begin by acquiring a certain celebrity, then perhaps a fine position — even lately a card-reader foretold as much, like all the others. Edmond has announced a swaggerer as my enemy. It will be he who is furious at the way I treat his beauty. By the way — you know I wrote to the Figaro about a masked ball at the Trocadéro; the thing was printed.

[En travers : Rien que 30.000 de rente. Mon cœur se serre quand je pense qu'il demande si peu et que j'étais si bête I]

Poor Cassagnac — had he taken a [word blacked out: superior] woman, she might perhaps have dominated him; whereas Mademoiselle Acard will lead him by the nose, that is certain.

Pauvre Cassagnac s'il avait pris une femme [Mot noirci : supérieure] elle le dominerait peut-être, tandis que Mlle Acard le mènera pour sûr.

There is nothing more to be done. One ought to have wanted it before... Before, it had never even entered my head.

Il n'y a plus rien à faire. Il fallait avoir envie de cela avant... Avant cela ne m'était jamais venu dans la tête.

All the same — I am a Bonapartist, because it may lead me to a certain position, always interesting when one is in opposition, and if the Empire returns and things follow their natural course. Thanks to an idea I am beginning: it is simply this — the Empress Eugénie receives every day her bouquet of violets, anonymously.¹ Once returned — and perhaps before — she will take an interest, will wish to know who has been so attentive and faithful, and then one arranges things to the best advantage.

C'est égal, allez je suis bonapartiste parce que cela peut me mener à me faire une certaine position toujours intéressante lorsqu'on fait de l'opposition et si l'Empire revient et si les choses suivent leur cours naturel, grâce à une idée que je commence, c'est tout simplement ceci, l'impératrice Eugénie reçoit tous les jours son bouquet de violettes, anonyme. Une fois revenue et peut-être avant elle s'intéressera, voudra savoir qui a été si attentif et fidèle et alors on s'arrange pour le mieux.

I might perhaps even do Cassagnac harm by intriguing against him — all this if the Empire returns, and if... a whole host of things... and if I feel inclined to vex him. You know that the Prince Imperial is to marry the third daughter of the King of Denmark. What a fortunate king! His second son is king of Greece; his three daughters will be empresses of Russia, England, and perhaps of the French. One must not conceal from oneself: this alliance is a good thing.

Je pourrais peut-être même faire du tort à Cassagnac en intrigant contre lui, tout cela si l'Empire revient et si... un tas de choses... et si j'ai envie de l'ennuyer; vous savez que le Prince Impérial épouse la troisième fille du roi du Danemark. Est-il heureux ce roi ! Son second fils est roi de Grèce, ses trois filles seront impératrice de Russie, d'Angleterre et peut-être des Français. Il ne faut pas se le dissimuler, cette alliance est une bonne thing.

Well — once poor little Paul is married, I shall again have my mind on my drawing. You see, good people: everything conspires to bring me back to what must make my glory.

Enfin une fois ce pauvre Popaul marié, j'aurai de nouveau la tête à mon dessin. Voyez bonnes gens, tout concourt à me ramener à ce qui doit faire ma gloire.

Well — so far things have gone off tolerably; I hope I shall continue to behave myself.

Enfin, jusqu'à présent cela s'est bien passé, j'espère que je continuerai à être bien sage.

Amen.

I shall paint his portrait all the same.

Je ferai son portrait quand même.

The Heidenstams left their cards.

Les Heidenstam ont laissé des cartes.

Notes

Violets were the emblem of the Bonapartists; sending them anonymously to the Empress in exile was a gesture of covert dynastic allegiance. ↩

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