Saturday, 29 July 1876

There is no sun! Two or three years ago I detested the sun; now I cannot be happy without it. We went to the Russian Embassy to ask for Julie Benkendorff’s address. She is in Russia.

Chocolat draws the attention of all these wretched Prussians. We walked in the garden at Neuenhagen. I amuse myself by mangling German. We were then taken to the Bellevue-Schloss,¹ where there is the mausoleum of King Frederick and Queen Louise. The interior of the monument produces a singular effect — one loses one’s head on entering, not knowing whether what one sees is a reflection in a mirror or reality. This is owing to the ceiling, which is of blue glass and casts so strange a light that one believes oneself in an extraordinary vapour. The park is beautiful, and the whole road back to Berlin is a magnificent avenue with side-paths and tracks cutting through the wood in every direction.

No — I am not made to live in the north. Russia frightens me, and the thought of parting from my aunt distresses me, though we do not exchange a hundred words a day. All day long I am in a book, and my aunt sits without saying a word for fear of disturbing me. She does not read; she does no needlework. One must be very specially constituted to be able to remain whole days without stirring or speaking, smoking a cigarette and from time to time gazing out of the window.

I am numb and stupefied.

Cardinal Antonelli² is gravely ill.

And once again, everything that disturbed me over Rome and Pietro disturbs me anew.

I did not know what to do with myself — I bought a book and gave Chocolat a lesson. He says it amuses him! It helped me pass half an hour.