Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 24 August 1875

# Mardi 24 aout 1875

The morning is spent exasperating me, teasing me.

On passe la matinee a m'exasperer, a me taquiner.

At dinner they serve things with onion, and I nearly weep because of that dreadful smell.

A diner on sert des choses a l'oignon et je pleure presque a cause de cette odeur affreuse.

I was furious to see all those nauseating Germans stuffing themselves with smoked tongue and potatoes smothered in onion! Fie! Fie! Fie!

Je rageais de voir tous ces Allemands nauseabonds se bourrer de langue fumee et de pommes de terre couvertes d'oignon ! Fi ! fi ! fi.

Just imagine their breath — fie! fie! fie! fie! fie!

Imaginez-vous donc leur haleine fi ! fi ! fi ! fi ! fi !

Back from Schwalbach — I go there every day — back, I said, yes, back — I have supper and after supper become so gay that it is perfectly delightful. I do not know where this gaiety comes from; I have drunk nothing; I love to be like this, everything smiles at me. I began with dark anxieties about our arrangements in Florence and I end with bursts of joy and a serenity without equal.

De retour de Schwalbach, tous les jours j'y vais, de retour ai-je dit, oui, de retour, je soupe et apres souper deviens si gaie que c'est un charme. Je ne sais d'ou elle vient cette gaiete, je n'ai rien bu, j'aime a etre ainsi, tout me sourit. J'ai commence par de noires inquietudes sur nos arrangements a Florence et je finis par des elans de joie et par une tranquillite sans pareille.

Everything seems already done or destined to be done according to my wishes — the carriages, the horses, the dresses. In a word, everything for this winter.

Tout me semble fait ou devoir se faire selon mes desirs, les equipages, les chevaux, les robes. En un mot tout pour cet hiver.

This winter I make my entry into society — into that society which I adore, which I implore urgently on bended knee, for it is my life, my happiness. I make my entry into society, I begin to live and to strive to realise my dreams. To become famous — I am already known to a great many people.

Cet hiver je fais mon entree dans le monde, dans ce monde que j'adore que je demande a grands cris et a deux genoux, car c'est ma vie, mon bonheur. Je fais mon entree dans le monde, je commence a vivre et a tacher de realiser mes reves. A devenir celebre, je suis deja connue par bien des gens.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see that I am pretty. I am pretty, I am pretty — what more do I need; can I not accomplish everything with that? My God, in giving me this little beauty (I say "little" out of modesty — it is still too much coming from You, my God), You give me more than anything else!

Je me regarde dans la glace et je me vois jolie. Je suis jolie, je suis jolie, que me faut-il de plus, ne puis-je pas tout avec cela. Mon Dieu en me donnant ce peu de beaute (je dis peu par modestie, c'est encore trop venant de Vous mon Dieu), Vous me donnez plus que n'importe quoi !

I feel beautiful — it seems to me that everything will succeed for me, everything smiles at me, and I am happy, happy, happy!

Je me sens belle, il me semble que tout me reussira, tout me sourit, et je suis heureuse, heureuse, heureuse !

I picture those horses, flinging their legs forward like a locomotive its wings, and my heart beats and vox faucibus exit.1 Il fiato mi manca!2

Je me represente ces chevaux, jetant leurs jambes en avant comme la locomotive ses ailes, et mon coeur bat et vox faucibus exit. Il fiato mi manca !

Those horses seem to me the winged serpents of Neptune's chariot1 — I lift my hair from my forehead as if to picture it more vividly.

Ces chevaux me paraissent les serpents ailes du char de Neptune, je souleve mes cheveux sur le front comme pour mieux me figurer cela.

Luxury, wealth drive me to delirium — I feel completely changed, I am carried away and speak and gesticulate like someone at the theatre. Before, I did not understand this and used to mock actors and think them affected, unnatural.

Le luxe, la richesse me donnent le delire, je me sens toute autre, je m'emporte et parle et gesticule comme au theatre. Avant, je ne comprenais pas cela et me moquais des acteurs et les croyais affectes, pas naturels.

My hand is small and white and tapering, my arm white and rounded!

Ma main est petite et blanche et efilee, mon bras est blanc et rond !

I am making my entry into society — I am sixteen!1 My heart beats and my breath fails me. I sing, I want to do wild things!

Je fais mon entree dans le monde, j'ai seize ans ! Mon coeur bat et la respiration me manque. Je chante, j'ai envie de faire des folies !

I want to leave at once, go to Paris and quickly have my chariot and my winged dragons! This takes my breath away — my God!

Je desire plus vite partir, aller a Paris et avoir vite mon char et mes dragons ailes ! *Cela me coupe la respiration, mon Dieu ! *

Notes

In Latin in the original. From Virgil's Aeneid (II.774): vox faucibus haesit — "the voice stuck in my throat." Marie misquotes slightly (exit for haesit), suggesting she is writing from memory. ↩
In Italian in the original. "My breath fails me!" — an operatic expression of emotional overwhelm. ↩
In classical mythology, Neptune (Poseidon) was god of horses as well as the sea. His chariot was drawn by sea-horses or sea-serpents. Marie's vision conflates the power of horses with mythological grandeur. ↩
Marie was born 23 November 1858 — she was in fact fifteen years old at this point, not sixteen. She may be anticipating her birthday in November, or simply rounding. ↩