Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Sunday, 21 March 1875

I go to church with the children, dressed in grey like me.
At exactly two o’clock we go out — Nadinka and I, and Paul, whom we tracked down yesterday at the café and brought home. The concert only begins at three o’clock; at three we go. Séraphine is beside us; having looked at me several times and seeing that I did not think to greet her, she inquires after Maman, and having begun thus talked to me the whole time.
Audiffret was pacing back and forth in front of the public garden; he was not looking at me, but that proves nothing, since I was not looking at him either. What a state one must be in to bother with such a peasant! Poor me. Afterward we went to the café where I ate like a child. When we came out Audiffret was on the balcony of the Cercle.
I saw the young ladies in steel-grey tunics whom the devil spoke to on the day I mentioned.
Why does he not come?
We have a cook who is passable and who seems excellent after Adam.
For three days now I have wished to have large dark eyes. Impossible, alas! And to think that my wretched brother has such beautiful ones, which would be put to such good use in better hands. Since that is impossible I want something else — a Black servant girl.^[Fashionable wealthy households in Nice sometimes employed Black servants as a mark of status.] And a Black servant I shall have — (people will laugh, but I cannot help saying: God willing.)
Reboux^[Caroline Reboux, the celebrated Paris milliner.] has sent me an exquisite hat, of straw (this is la Vigier, who is, upon my word, quite a good likeness).
A straw hat, as I was saying, with white and straw-coloured feathers and at the back a half-crown of lily of the valley. This hat can be worn back to front. I am enchanted with it and do nothing but put it on and take it off.
written across the page
I was very pretty at this period — I was never again so pretty.
crossed outMonday 22 March 1875.
I knew perfectly well I had forgotten something. This morning we talked of the Prince of Wales. This charming prince is very wild^[In English in the original.], apparently, and we talked of his escapades. Grand-papa, who at every opportunity never fails to put in a word about the Duke of Hamilton — and whom I adore for it — says he heard from a French count he met in Geneva during the war that Hamilton is not on good terms with his wife. It would have been better if he lived with his Gioia, he added.
Dessin à la plume : profil de femme sous un grand chapeau garni de plumes, les cheveux en boucles
Tête de femme au chapeau à plumes, de profil Mon Journal, t. 4 (fac-similé) — tome04.docx image 31 (après ¶4869)
— No, said Maman.
— No, I repeated.
— But it would have been better, she continued, if he had married a decent woman — because in fact, from what one hears, she is one — but he married her because she comes from a family with connections and because his mother talked him into it.
— People say that she is — I do not know how to translate this word — wild^[In English in the original.] [?] — that is what they say.
— Well, said Papa, that means she conducts herself badly.
— That is exactly it, I said, overjoyed.
— You see, Moussia, Papa continued, one must always choose someone from a good family. Such a family, such children — if the grandmother was dissolute, if the mother was dissolute, the daughter will be too.
To my great regret I could say nothing about the Duchess of Manchester.
Inserted item
[Between the lines: And there was something to say.]
We talked of it further — this is merely an extract. Then, some time before dinner when we were gathered again in Maman’s room, people were speaking of I don’t remember who — the brother of Botkine, I think —
— What is pardonable in a man’s life is not pardonable in a woman’s, Maman was saying.
— That is absurd — it is the same for women as for men; what is dishonourable is not pardonable.
— Well, picture a woman with Hamilton’s face — he is ugly and fat.
— No, he is handsome.
— And his sister is so beautiful, my aunt interjected, and how she resembles him.
— That is true, I said with a convinced air. For several days I had been, if not thinking of him less, at least calmer — and now they go and wake all my sleeping passions again!
You see — when it concerns this man I no longer know what I say, I can no longer write — and if only the irregularity of my handwriting could convey my agitation! I break off at every moment, I clench my fists, I shake my head and I am in an impossible state! Because I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him.
My God, will he then never be mine! And shall I always torment myself thus?
The more time passes the more agitated I become. They say one grows calmer with time. A lie! A lie! The invention of those who have never loved.

Notes

Presumably a Black maidservant; in December 1877 Marie writes «Nous avons pris une négresse, j’aime beaucoup être servie par des noirs» (076/1877-12-14). See the note at 008/1873-08-31. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩