Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 11 April 1874

Two or three days ago Paul gave me a bouquet of daisies. A bouquet from him astonished me; now we believe we have discovered where it came from. A certain Nejentsov, who never leaves Paul's side, has, according to our conjectures, sent this bouquet. Neither can we understand what charm he can find in the company of a little boy like Paul. Walitsky says: It is Moussia and Dina. They place Dina next to me so as not to vex her.
After mass we make our confessions. It is embarrassing and useless, especially when they ask you if you are not greedy for sweets. That is what I was asked.
Maman has a passion for ragamuffins; she took with her the three horrors of Mme Anitchkoff. They screamed and behaved impossibly. I say nothing of their outfits -- ugh!
It is raining.
I have ordered a costume from New Scotland; I need it until Paris, and Simone cannot or will not oblige.
In the evening, the great parade -- the midnight high mass. Allard does my hair three times, and three times badly. I let my hair hang loose, which Nadia reproaches me for because it hides my "pretty back." (I do not know -- good or bad; badly coiffed, white dress). We arrive still in time. Several beautiful outfits, among them Maman's.
There is a Russian gentleman, dark, bearded; he resembles Soria a little and 28 a great deal -- that number is his portrait. So he is fine; for 28 is sympathetic to me. I had compared Wittgenstein to 28, but this one is the true 28. The Duke of Hamilton is represented by all the even red numbers of the first douzaine and the douze derniers, 3 of the second passe, but particularly by 3, 36, 18, and 32. Lambertye by the numbers [Crossed out: And indeed, odd and red.] 25, 17, 31, and 11 especially.
Well then, 28 [Crossed out: me] looks so boldly. The day before yesterday, the Beak was obliged to change her place, so much did he stare at her -- with such audacity, mixed with a little impertinence. This evening he turns several times to look at me, but he found my eyes fixed on the carpet, which did not prevent me from seeing. He has a quantity of decorations, a green ribbon whose origin I do not know, a star, etc., etc. And he is young -- thirty-two or thirty-five, perhaps less.
I nearly fell asleep; the candle fell from my hand, so tired was I. I did not fast; I find it superfluous and insignificant. I would even suppress confession...
Every time I find myself in a great assembly, I weep inwardly when I see everyone happy -- as I understand happiness!
It is past four o'clock; fatigue closes my eyes and robs me of my wits.
Many people came to us to offer congratulations. All the old carcasses of generals with their stars.
Only we lack the society of Nice, and that is all.
One sees a change in the Howards; I do not know where it comes from. But the change, though disputed by the whole family, exists, exists; and one will be certain of it later. I do not desire it -- on the contrary, I fear it.
I no longer know what I am writing; my eyes are closing.

Notes

Marie's personal numerology system assigns roulette numbers to people based on their appearance and character. The terms refer to roulette table groupings. ↩