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Tuesday, 6 May 1873
Mardi 6 mai 1873
Rain. Maman is up, Mlle Collignon as well. At the promenade (black dress, oilcloth hat — not bad). In a closed carriage for some errands, then home.
Pluie. Maman est levée, Mlle Collignon aussi. A la promenade (robe noire, chapeau de toile cirée, pas mal). En voiture fermée pour quelques commissions, puis à la maison.
I must tell in what continuous trouble I am — always afraid to hear the word “Duke,” or even a name which bears a Duke, because I blush. And at my lessons, when I read, I am so miserable that I do not understand the half of what I read, being in continuous anxiety to meet “Duke.” Particularly in the History of Germany, where there are always dukes. I become so red when I get the reading book, and begin to blow my nose,1 to conceal it. If he only knew how troubled I am for his sake — at dinner, at breakfast, at every moment when I am with Mamma, my aunt, and all the house. I hold my handkerchief near the mouth, in case if “Duke” comes, and particularly “Hamilton,” to affect that I cough or something of that sort. I never sit down, to be ready to go out if his name will be said, or something about his family, because I am instantly red, trembling, and say quite the contrary of what I wish to say.2
Je dois tell in what continuous trouble I am; always afraid to hear the word Duke or even a name which bears a Duke, because I blush. And at my lessons, when I read, I am so miserable that I do not understand the half of what I read, being in continuous anxiety to meet « Duke ». Particularly in the History of Germany, where there are always dukes. I become so red when I get the reading book, and begin to me moucher, to conceal it. If he only knew how troubled I am for his sake at dinner, at breakfast, at every moment when I am with mamma, my aunt, and all the house. I hold my handkerchief near the mouth, in case if « Duke » comes and particularly Hamilton to affect that I cough or something of that sort. I never sit down to be ready to go out if his name will be said or something about his family, because I am instantly red, trembling and say quite the contrary of what I wish to say.
This is why Mamma scolds me for my bad manners. It is natural that I appear to have bad manners; I am always suspended, not knowing what to do, anxious,3 always afraid to blush — and if I do so, they will guess what I think. And if he goes to her or... will be married, they will look at me as at a litte fool and consider it a mortification for me. It is so horrible to be complained4 in such cases — Mlle Collignon, for instance, she is looked at by all in the house as a offended, humiliated5, etc.2
This is why mamma scolds me for my bad manners, it is natural that I appear to have bad manners, I am always suspended, not knowing what to do, inquiet, always afraid to blush, and if I do so they will guess what I think, and if he goes to her or... will be married, they will look at me as at a litte fool, and consider it a mortification for me it is so horrible to be complained in such cases, Mlle Collignon for instance, she is looked at by all in the house, as a offensée, humiliée, etc.
While if even some dreadful horror happens, I will bury it in myself, and nobody will know it, and nobody will complain me.2
While if even some dreadful horror happens, I will bury it in myself, and nobody will know it, and nobody will complain me
I must confess that I am pretty satisfied with my face — not always, but sometimes. I really think I am pretty. I should like to know some competent man express his opinion on the subject. I often pass my time before the looking-glass. It is not right, but it is so. I particularly like to look at me at twilight,6 with candles behind me, so as to have a some what blue reflection on the face and the ears transparent red! I am very often occupied so. I will not conceal that I am often annoyed in a society of women, and I prefer that of men. The women’s society is indispensable, like bread, for a well-established7 woman in society. Because if a woman neglects women and old people, they will be cross against her and she will be slandered.82
I must confess that I am pretty satisfied with my face, not always, but sometimes. Il really think I am pretty. I should like to know some competent man express his opinion on the subject. I often pass my time before the looking-glass. It is not right, but it is so. 1 particularly like to look at me at crépuscule with candles behind me so as to have a some what blue reflection on the face and the ears transparent red I am very often occupied so. I will not conceal that I am often annoyed in a society of women, and I prefer that of men. The women’s society is indispensable like bread for a well posée woman in society. Because if a woman neglects women and old people, they will be cross against her and she will be calomniée.
There are the rules: as women must be often in society of women and old people, it is obligatory9 for her well-being; and when she has done this, she may do what she pleases — be with men, flirt10 even. For if she has the hatred of women, she has only to die, for these have a pretty long tongue, particularly against a pretty one; if she is the most innocent in the world, they will charge her with all sorts of crimes, being jealous and ugly. I will follow these rules. They are mine.2
There are the rules: as women must be often in society of women and old people, it is obligatoire for her well-being and when she has done this she may do what she pleases, be with men, coqueter even For if she has the hatred of women, she has only to die for these have a pretty long tongue particularly against a pretty one, if she is the most innocent in the world they will charge her with all sorts of crimes, being jealous and ugly. I will follow these rules. They are mine.
Notes
In French in the original: me moucher. ↩
In English in the original. ↩
In French in the original: inquiet. ↩
complained: so in Marie’s English, here and in “nobody will complain me” just below. She is carrying over French plaindre, which means “to pity” as well as “to complain”: to be pitied, nobody will pity me. ↩
In French in the original: offensée, humiliée. ↩
In French in the original: crépuscule. ↩
In French in the original: posée. ↩
In French in the original: calomniée. ↩
In French in the original: obligatoire. ↩
In French in the original: coqueter. ↩