Friday, 26 January 1883
Ill-omened dreams...
Des reves nefastes...
My God, I do not wish to complain, and I am even ashamed to live as I live when so many beings suffer a thousand times more. Those who are disabled and poor and obliged to work.
Mon Dieu je ne veux pas me plaindre et j'ai meme honte de vivre comme je vis lorsque tant d'etres souffrent mille fois plus.
Yes, it is true from a practical, reasonable, considered point of view — they are far more to be pitied... But there is perhaps in my case something more cruel, something that seems more terrible... But it is impossible — it is not me!!! This does not happen to anyone.
Oui, c'est vrai au point de vue pratique, raisonnable, reflechi, ils sont bien plus a plaindre...
To see a young, brilliant being... This doctor never dared to say the word... He said "not hearing very well, a man who did not hear well." "When one does not hear," etc.
Voir un etre jeune, brillant... Ce medecin n'a jamais ose dire le mot...
Oh! yes, it must affect the painting too! But why! But what have I done? No doubt I am not just — I enjoy a great fortune, I am spoiled, I do not give enough to the poor. While so many people die of hunger, I am fussy and capricious at table... In short, I commit this injustice of spending on a dress what would feed a family for six months...
Oh ! oui cela doit influer sur la peinture aussi !
But everyone does as I do! It is no less wrong for that. Yes, I know — but there is not even anyone who reproaches himself merely for living according to the milieu into which the accident of his birth cast him. I could have... And yet what could I have done... My family feeds me, dresses me, houses me — but I do not think it would have permitted me to strip it bare... There would have been... In any case...
Mais tout le monde fait comme moi !
Ah! Wretchedness!
Ah ! misere !
[Written across the page: This evening we go to the Opéra with the Gavinis, Villeneuve-Bonaparte, Nervo, Saint-Amand, Lahirlé, etc. The Rothschild box.]
[En travers: Ce soir nous allons a l'Opera avec les Gavini, Villeneuve-Bonaparte, Nervo, Saint Amand, Lahirle etc. Avant-scene Rothschild.]