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Thursday, 28 July 1881

Brisbane came to show me her drawings and see my painting; Villevieille too — the latter pours a little balm into my soul by speaking well of the work... But I should tell you that yesterday, and even before my departure, we spoke at length, as you know, about my very tiresome health; having reviewed all the leading medical authorities, old père Rodolphe¹ told me two months ago that in my place he would go to see a man who, by the speciality he has adopted, has made for himself a formidable — not easily pronounced — reputation, but who is a true scholar, a truly very able man, and who cured [words blacked out: a lady] whom Julian loves and respects, whose husband is his friend. She had been given up for lost, and it was her mother who, at her wit's end, took her to the terrible doctor, who cured her. Yesterday it came up again in conversation (everyone else had gone; we were alone) — Julian was predicting every sort of decline if I did not take myself seriously in hand; [words blacked out: a lady] today to give me the names of the doctors to see, [words blacked out: can] recommending me not to forget the great, dreadful man.

Brisbane est venue me montrer ses dessins et voir mon tableau, Villevieille aussi, cette derniere me verse un peu de baume dans l'ame en disant du bien de l'oeuvre... Mais il faut vous dire que hier et meme avant mon depart nous avons comme vous savez beaucoup cause de ma tres embetante sante et qu'ayant passe en revue toutes les celebrites medicales, le pere Rodolphe me dit il y a deux mois, qu'a ma place il irait voir un homme qui par la specialite qu'il a adoptee c'est fait un nom terrible et qu'on ne prononce pas facilement mais que c'est un veritable savant, un homme vraiment tres fort et qui a gueri [Mots noircis: une dame] que Julian aime et respecte, du mari de laquelle il est l'ami. Elle etait condamnee et c'est sa mere qui a bout de ressources est allee la conduire chez le terrible medecin qui l'a guerie. Hier c'est encore revenue dans the conversation, (tout le monde etait parti, nous etions tous seuls) Julian me promettait toutes les decadences si je ne me soignai pas serieusement; [Mots noircis: une dame] aujourd'hui me donner les noms des docteurs a voir [Mots noircis: peut] recommandant de ne pas oublier le grand homme epouvantable.

So I went this morning, heavily veiled, and for a fee was admitted despite the fact that he only receives in the afternoon. For some time now I have thought that my illness comes from something corrupt in the blood — my father having been ill when he married. [words blacked out: For as a child] I always had something in my throat and never breathed well through my nose — and now the ears... As for the right lung, it followed from the preceding things, and all of it was developed by crying, weeping, etc., etc. I beg your pardon for speaking of such disgusting things, but it weighs so on my mind that I must explain it all. I have never told my suppositions to any doctor, to anyone — not even to today's — only as it is Ricard² he will have seen it, if there is something to see, if I am not mistaken; naturally he said nothing. I told him how it began with catching cold, loss of voice, coughs, Enghien, Fauvel, Krishaber, Mont-Dore, etc.

Alors j'y suis allee ce matin tres voilee et moyennant finance j'ai ete admise malgre qu'il ne recoit que l'apres-midi. Il y a assez longtemps deja que je pense que ma maladie vient de quelque chose de vicieux dans le sang, mon pere etant malade lorsqu'il s'est marie. [Mots noircis: Car enfant] j'ai toujours eu quelque chose dans la gorge et n'ai jamais bien respire par le nez et puis a present les oreilles... Quant au poumon droit c'est venu a la suite des choses precedentes et le tout a ete developpe par les cris, les larmes etc. etc. Je vous demande pardon de vous parler de choses si degoutantes mais cela me tient tant a coeur qu'il faut que je m'explique tout cela. Je n'ai jamais dit mes suppositions a aucun medecin, a personne, pas meme a celui d'aujoud'hui, seulement comme c'est Ricard il l'aura vu, s'il y a quelque chose a voir, si je ne me trompe pas; bien entendu il n'a rien dit. Je lui ai raconte comment j'ai commence par prendre froid, des extinctions, des toux, Enghien, Fauvel, Krishaber, Mont-Dore etc.

I was trembling as I spoke, and with his encouraging manner he must first have suspected something quite different. He examined my mouth and listened to my back and chest, then the light tapping on the collarbone.

Je tremblais en parlant et il a du commencer par supposer tout autre chose avec son air encourageant. Il m'a regarde dans la bouche et a ecoute le dos et la poitrine, puis les petits coups sur la clavicule.

I had the frightened look of a child, though this stooped old man appeared kind and attentive. He completely won me over — by the dread he inspired, and by that air of condescension and benevolence peculiar to the all-powerful, to those who have had everything from life.

J'avais l'air effraye d'un enfant bien que ce vieillard voute paraisse bon et attentionne. Il a fait tout a fait ma conquete par l'epouvante et par son air de condescendance, de bienveillance qui est particuliere aux tout-pouissants, a ceux qui ont eu tout de la vie.

I have rarely seen anyone so fascinating. From today I shall follow his prescriptions to the letter — with confidence, with joy. Julian, to whom I went to report my visit, is the only one who will know I have seen him.

J'ai rarement vu quelqu'un d'aussi fascinant. Je suis a partir d'aujourd'hui ses prescriptions a la lettre, avec confiance, avec joie. Julian a qui je suis allee annoncer ma visite est le seul qui saura que je l'ai vu.

Papa left this evening; we are on the best of terms.

Papa est reparti ce soir, nous sommes tres bons amis.

Notes

Père Rodolphe: a familiar nickname for Rodolphe Julian (1839–1907), founder of the Académie Julian, Marie's art school. "Père" (father) was an affectionate form of address. ↩

Ricard: almost certainly Dr. Philippe Ricord (1800–1889), a famous Parisian specialist in venereal diseases. Marie's suggestion that her illness originated in "something corrupt in the blood" from her father's pre-marital illness is a coded reference to congenital syphilis, which she has never disclosed to any physician but which she suspects is the source of her deteriorating health. ↩

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