Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 20 April 1882

Well, it is not as it was after Spain; I am not delighted to see Paris again, merely glad... Besides, I cannot take stock of any feeling, so anxious am I about my work. I tremble to think what will be said, and I am crushed by the memory of Breslau, whom the public treats as an established artist. I went to Julian's yesterday (we have been in Paris since yesterday morning), and he no longer treats me as a serious worker — brilliant, yes, but no depth, no will; he would have wished for more, he had hoped for something else. All this said in conversation does me much harm; I wait for him to see my work from Nice, and I no longer hope for anything good.

Jeudi 20 avril 1882

I did La Thérèse — a six-year-old child going to market down a farm lane, life-size. Then an old man at his window beside a pot of pink carnations, life-size; then a lad carrying a sack, life-size, half-length.

J'ai fait la Thérèse, une enfant de six ans allant aux provisions dans une allée de ferme, grandeur nature. Puis un vieillard à sa fenêtre à côté d'un pot d'œillets roses, grandeur nature puis un gamin portant un sac, grandeur nature, mi-corps.

A landscape on a size-30 canvas. Another on a size-10 canvas. Three seascapes. Five or six small studies, and some charcoal drawings; besides, two unfinished pastels and pen drawings in the album.

Un paysage sur toile de 30. Un autre sur toile de 10. Trois marines. Cinq ou six petites études, et quelques dessins au fusain, en outre deux pastels pas finis, et des dessins à la plume dans l'album.

I do not know if it is good or horrible, and all these fears send something like fire over every inch of my skin...

Je ne sais pas si c'est bien ou horrible et toutes ces peurs me font passer comme du feu sur toute la peau du corps...

Today we went with Maman to the studio. Poor Amélie has been rejected; Julian told me yesterday; it seems that besides being bad, it was horribly vulgar.

Aujourd'hui nous avons été avec maman à l'atelier. Pauvre Amélie a été refusée, Julian me l'avait dit hier; il paraît que outre que c'était mauvais. C'était horriblement canaille.

Tomorrow I shall see Tony.

Demain je verrai Tony.

I have already seen the Gavinis and Saint-Amand; they find me looking as I used to. I tried on dresses at Doucet's.

J'ai déjà vu les Gavini et Saint Amand, on me trouve une mine comme autrefois. J'ai essayé des robes chez Doucet.