Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 18 April 1882

False start; we were meant to leave, and the evening before we went to Monaco, and as Maman and my aunt are on speaking terms with Hamsley I said good-day to her as well; she and Étienne got into our compartment — I was very vexed, but to make a scene... For that would be making a scene and tarnishing Maman's conduct... And then I even tried to be agreeable, without succeeding, so false and sad did this woman's position appear to me. And this evening she came to the station to say farewell — as did Étienne — truly she cannot understand what she is doing. It was Étienne who brought her, emboldened by my conduct of yesterday. God, how sad all this is, and what Maman and my aunt... Every time I lift my nose from my palette I am assailed by tiresome things, and these ladies, accustomed to such outrages, take offense when I speak harshly to them... It is truly intolerable — they go to Monaco every day; there are people there one ought barely to acknowledge, yet through force of seeing one another daily, of playing at the same table... one loses all sense of things... And the people who remember having seen these ladies with that ignoble brother speaking to his mistress, and all the slanders that drove us away — and now... Maman and my aunt, whose conduct is irreproachable, place themselves on a level with God knows whom, and when I cry out against it, that is to be disrespectful.

Mardi 18 avril 1882

These are my dark sorrows — sorrows fit to weep over and be ashamed of. These ladies were very badly regarded here; such rumors had arisen against them in this ignoble Nice society that one could not bear to witness it. Now it is forgotten; it is known that in Paris we move in tolerable circles — and to come and plunge back into that mud! Étienne and this woman are one of a thousand irregularities... And what revolts me above all is the insufficiently respectful tone in which one speaks to them, while Maman notices nothing and lavishes her unvarying friendships, smiles, amiabilities, gracieusestes...

Ce sont mes noirs chagrins, des chagrins sales a pleurer, ces dames ont ete tres mal vues ici, il s'etait eleve contre elles de telles rumeurs dans cette ignoble societe nicoise qu'on ne pouvait y assister. Mainteant c'est oublie, on sait que nous sommes a Paris a peu pres bien et venir se retremper dans cette boue ! Etienne et cette femme sont une des mille irregularites... Et surtout ce qui me revolte c'est le ton pas assez respectueux dont on leur parle et maman ne s'apercoit de rien et prodigue ses inalterables amities, sourires, amabilites, gracieusestes...

And when I say so, I am accused of making scenes or of having a compulsive need to rage and trouble everyone... In any case... We have left Mise-Brun and are spending the night at our villa, which makes me sad. This disorder, these scattered residences...

Et lorsque je le dis on se plaint que je fais des scenes ou que c'est un besoin que j'ai de rager et de tracasser tout le monde... Enfin... Nous avons quitte Mise-Brun et nous passons la nuit a notre villa, ce qui me rend triste. Ce desordre, ces domiciles eparpilles...

In short, they always deceive me; I was foolish enough to lose my temper over several unpaid bills and other things, and now everything is hidden from me — they continue to behave like Bulgarians, like Asiatics, and they lie to me at every turn.

Enfin on me trompe toujours, j'ai eu la betise de me facher pour plusieurs notes pas payees ou autres et maintenant on me cache tout, on continue a agir comme des Bulgares, des Asiatiques et on me ment a chaque pas.

So as not to anger Marie, so as to have peace, they lie about everything, they promise, they say it is done; I always end by learning the truth only after a thousand impatiences, delays, and wranglings.

Pour ne pas facher Marie, pour avoir la paix, on ment dans tout, on promet, on dit que c'est fait; je finis bien par savoir la verite seulement apres mille impatiences, des attentes, des tiraillements.

What a horrible system. It is so simple to say what is — yet to hide things from me, to fear my reproaches; would it not be simpler to avoid them by acting reasonably?

Quel horrible systeme. C'est si simple de dire ce qui est et se cacher de moi, craindre mes reproches; n'est-ce pas plus simple de les eviter en agissant raisonnablement.

Those who know me little and who hear my family talk treat me as a madwoman...

Ceux qui me connaissent peu et qui entendent parler les miens me traitent de folle...

Alas, one does become one at moments, I swear to you, in the face of this inertia, this idiotic obstinacy.

Helas on le devient par moments je vous jure devant cette inertie, ce parti-pris bete.

Ah!... I prefer not to speak of it... It is mortally sad... And this villa, the dark cypresses, the frogs singing in the pool, the sea. And on the other side the château; the eucalyptus has grown in six years and one can no longer see the tower — I may no longer even hear the clock... and the château has been purchased by the Comte d'Aspremont... And that blue room stripped of its furniture for the little Paris drawing room; nothing remains but the draperies.

Ah !... j'aime mieux ne pas en parler... C'est d'une tristesse mortelle... Et cette villa, les cypres noirs, le chant des grenouilles dans le bassin, la mer. Et de l'autre cote le chateau; l'eucalyptus a pousse depuis six ans et l'on ne voit plus la tour-Je n'entendrai meme peut-etre plus l'horloge... et le chateau a ete achete par le comte d'Aspremont... Et cette chambre bleue demeublee au profit du petit salon de Paris; il ne reste que les tentures.

Ah, how these people spoil my life — and yet I cannot think without dread of the possibility of their deaths. And the money matters: I should like to arrange everything, everything — but how... no, I must try never to scold at all... I have tried, and there have always been lies 'for the best' — to gain time, to avoid five minutes of trouble, one creates ten troubles of five months' duration... My God, what a beautiful life this would be, with all its sorrows, freed from these paltry miseries.

Ah ! que ces gens-la me gatent ma vie et pourtant je ne puis sans effroi penser a la possibilite de leur mort. Et les affaires d'argent, je voudrais tout, tout arranger--- et comment... non, il faut essayer de ne plus gronder du tout... J'ai essaye et il y a toujours eu quand meme des mensonges "pour le mieux", pour gagner du temps, pour eviter un ennui de cinq minutes on s'en cree dix de cinq mois... Mon Dieu qu'avec tous ses chagrins la vie serait belle, degagee de ces miseres infimes.

For example: the architect was to be seen about indispensable repairs. Oh yes, to be sure; he will be seen, yes — but 'this evening let us just go a little to Monaco, the last evening.'

Ainsi il fallait voir l'architecte pour des reparations indispensables. Ah bien oui; on le verra oui, mais "ce soir allons un peu a Monaco, le derner soir".

And good-bye to everything. And with all that, the deep, unshakeable conviction that I am a sick baby and that everything must be hidden from me so that I do not make a fuss.

Et adieu tout. Et avec cela la conviction profonde, inalterable que je suis un bebe malade et qu'il faut me tout cacher pour que je ne fasse pas d'histoires.

God, how beautiful life would be without these miseries. For everything is bearable except these flat, petty meannesses. Separations, deaths, thwarted loves — all that is in the order of things, but all that is great, acceptable. Perfidy, falsehood, cowardice — all of that — but not these domestic vexations, not this stupid, obstinate, brainless entourage which regards you as a sick, capricious child, while sometimes admitting 'she is right, she is the only wise one, we must listen to her'... then it all begins again.

Dieu que la vie serait belle sans ces miseres. Car tout est supportable sauf ces bassesses plates. Separations, morts, amours contraries, tout cela est dans l'ordre, mais tout cela est grand, acceptable. Perfidie, faussete, lachete tout, mais pas ces embetements domestiques, pas cet entourage sot, obstine, sans cervelle qui vous regarde comme un enfant malade et capricieux, tout en convenant parfois "qu'elle a raison", elle est la seule sage, il faut l'ecouter... puis ca recommence.

This departure again: a sleeping car had to be reserved, but things were let drift while saying, yes, one must reserve it — then at the moment of departure it is too late; seeing me furious at having to travel in an ordinary compartment, they propose to stay until tomorrow noon. Étienne supports this — no doubt let us stay another day. For why make her leave? We are here, let us stay here; if I said nothing they would remain there a year, two years, in this unfurnished villa, without seeing a soul, I all alone, they at Monaco. I tell you it is appalling, and my temperament as a civilized European revolts at every moment before this Slavic carelessness... Merely to reread what I write here is irritating; imagine then what a torment it is to live with all that. O the Slavic character... insouciance, good nature, openness with the first stranger one meets, and at the same time a little falseness in everything. As for what one calls in France honor, duty, society... go whistle. And liars, these Slavs, and braggarts and troublemakers and inert at the same time, stubborn, quarrelsome and not always brave... Brave by braggadocio, but genuinely brave in the way France understands it — no. Dina comes to interrupt me; she brings me sheets of paper with bouts rimés of mine and the Astonishing Émile — she discovered them in a wardrobe, along with bonbon dishes from Rome...

Ce depart encore, il fallait retenir un sleeping mais on a laisse aller les choses tout en disant, oui il faut le retenir, puis au moment de partir c'est trop tard, me voyant furieuse de voyager dans un compartiment ordinaire, on propose de rester jusqu'a demain midi. Etienne appuie, sans doute restons encore un jour. Car enfin pourquoi faire partir. On est ici, restons ici; si je ne disais rien on resterait la un an, deux ans, dans cette villa demeublee, sans voir un chat, moi toute seule, elles a Monaco. Je vous dis que c'est effroyable et mon temperament d'Europeenne civilisee se revolte a tout instant devant cette insouciance slave... Rien que de relire ce que j'ecris ici est agacant; imagi-nez-donc quel supplice de vivre avec tout cela. O le caractere slave... insouciance, bonhomie, expansion avec le premier venu et en meme temps un peu de faussete dans tout. Quant a ce qu'on appelle ici en France, honneur, devoir, societe... va te fouiller. Et menteurs ces slaves et vantards et tracassiers et inertes en meme temps, entetes, querelleurs et pas toujours braves... Braves par forfanterie, mais reellement braves comme on l'entend en France. Non. Dina vient m'interrompre, elle m'apporte des feuilles de papier avec des bouts rimes de moi et du Suprenant Emile, elle a decouvert cela dans une armoire et des bonbonnieres de Rome...