Wednesday, 19 December 1877

Blanc, frigate captain, dined with us.
On the 15th of next month an art exhibition opens in Nice. I shall send a sculpture group. This very evening I asked for a meeting with the patron, and after firmly closing the door of his study and obtaining a promise of secrecy, I told him everything, concluding thus:
— Monsieur, there it is — it is a small act of cowardice, and I have counted on you. It is to infuriate some friends — a few of them will be beside themselves.
He was pleased that I asked to speak with him privately, since I have never done so before, and after settling this matter we speak of other things — drawing, no doubt. I asked about that rogue Breslau, who worries me, and Father told me all manner of good things about her.
— Monsieur, I lose heart so easily... if you knew.
In short, I beg him to tell me what I am worth; he reassures me while keeping a severe air, and a certain other air besides — and it is the latter that pleased me most, showing that he was afraid of spoiling me.
He also told me what I already knew: that in character, likeness, and precision I had little or nothing to envy Breslau — that naturally she has much practice and I none at all.
Yes, that is what is atrocious — all the imbeciles know how to shade, to render, to give pretty little strokes of the pencil... and I do not.
Time gives that, they say. Yes, but it seems to me that in two months...
Father promised to look after me in that regard... and good heavens! The day when I know how to render my drawings cleanly, they will have — I dare to hope — some merit.
Come now — is it really true that I have never drawn from life?
At four or five years old I made portraits of everyone with chalk, pencil, anything. At eight or nine I drew a small church, without shading.
At eleven I drew about ten heads after common, ordinary engravings, then drew three plaster casts. Then from twelve to fourteen I painted five heads and two hands after Bensa's paintings, and two horses with jockeys after engravings.
For these seven products I employed two years — one can see I was not hurrying.
Then I dropped everything, and after a few months made some attempts at drawing; I took five lessons from another teacher — five lessons, five hours in all.
From fourteen to seventeen not a stroke; at seventeen, thirty-two lessons — that is to say about sixty hours of work (eight days by the present system) of painting with Katorbinsky in Rome.
Then the portrait of Collignon, and then? Nothing.
In all that, drawing? Nothing. Barely slight indications in charcoal for the Rome paintings... I confessed those thirty-two lessons to Robert-Fleury, and he answered that he was not speaking of those.
And academic life studies... Oh! As for academic life studies, I had never even seen one before Julian's studio.

Notes

Julian — Rodolphe Julian, director of the Académie Julian. Marie calls him "le patron" (the boss) when speaking of him informally.