# Thursday, 24 November 1876

Until the evening things went tolerably enough, but suddenly a very serious, very measured, very honest conversation was entered upon concerning my future. Maman expressed herself in suitable terms in every respect. Then one should have seen my father! He cast his eyes down, he whistled hypocrises, and as for answering... not a word.

There is a Little Russian¹ dialogue that characterises the nation and may at the same time give an idea of my father's manner.

Two peasants: 1st — We were walking together on the high road. 2nd — Yes, we were walking. 1st — We found a fur pelisse? 2nd — We found one. 1st — I gave it to you? 2nd — You gave it to me? 1st — You took it? 2nd — I took it. 1st — Where is it? 2nd — What? 1st — The pelisse! 2nd — What pelisse? 1st — But we were walking on the high road? 2nd — Yes. 1st — We found a pelisse. 2nd — We found one. 1st — I gave it to you? 2nd — You gave it to me. 1st — And you took it? 2nd — I took it. 1st — Where is it, then? 2nd — What? 1st — The pelisse! 2nd — What pelisse?

And so on to infinity — except that as the subject was not very amusing for me, I was suffocating, and something was rising in my throat that hurt me dreadfully, above all because I would not permit myself to cry. Je demandai à rentrer avec Dina laissant maman et son mari au restauraut russe. I asked to go home with Dina, leaving Maman and her husband at the Russian restaurant. [Deux lignes cancellées] [Two lines cancelled] Pendant une heure entière je suis restée immobile, les lèvres serrées et la poitrine oppressée ne sachant ni ce que je pensais ni ce qui se faisait autour de moi. For a full hour I sat motionless, lips pressed together, chest constricted, knowing neither what I was thinking nor what was happening around me. Alors mon père vint me baiser les cheveux, les mains, la figure avec des plaintes hypocrites et lâches. Then my father came to kiss my hair, my hands, my face, with hypocritical, cowardly laments.
— Le jour où tu auras vraiment besoin de secours ou de protection dis-moi un mot et je te tendrai la main.
— The day when you truly need help or protection, say a word to me and I will extend my hand. Je ramassais mes dernières forces et me raidissant le gosier je dis : I gathered my last strength and, stiffening my throat, said:
— Ce jour est venu, où est votre main?
— That day has come. Where is your hand?
— A présent tu n'as pas encore besoin se hâta-t-il de répondre.
— Just now you don't yet need it, he hastened to reply.
— Si, j'ai besoin.
— Yes, I do need it.
— Non, non.
— No, no. Et il parla d'autre chose. And he spoke of something else.
— Pensez-vous, Monsieur, que le jour vienne où j'aurai besoin d'argent ? Oh ! que vous êtes impertinent ! Ce jour-ià je me ferai chanteuse ou professeur de piano mais je ne vous demanderai rien !
— Do you think, sir, that the day will come when I shall need money? Oh! how impertinent you are! When that day comes, I shall become a singer or a piano teacher — but I shall ask you for nothing! Il ne s'offensa pas, il lui suffisait de me voir si malheureuse que je n'en pouvais plus. He did not take offence — it was enough for him to see me so miserable that I could bear no more.
— Je me venge ! dit-il à maman.
— I am having my revenge! he said to Maman. 0 le lâche . Oh, the coward. [En travers : En prêtant à sa conduite un caractère de vengeance, je l'ennoblis, je le justifie. Il ne se vengeait pas. Non. Il était vil et méchant comme toujours ] [Written across the page: By attributing a spirit of vengeance to his conduct, I ennoble him, I justify him. He was not taking revenge. No. He was vile and wicked as always.] Je n'eus que la force de tout ôter et de me mettre au lit. Il n'était pas neuf heures. I had only the strength to undress and get into bed. It was not yet nine o'clock. Le lendemain je m'éveillai de fort bonne heure et je me repris à penser à hier. Je me souviens que j'ai été chez une merveilleux brodeur et dessinateur nommé Duchod. J'y suis allée avec Mme de Mertens qui m'a fait une singulière proposition. Rien moins qu'une demande en mariage. The next day I woke very early and fell to thinking about yesterday. I remember going to a marvellous embroiderer and designer named Duchod. I went there with Mme de Mertens, who made me a singular proposal. No less than a marriage offer. M. Janvier de La Motte, ancien préfet et député bonapartiste désire marier son fils, jeune homme de vingt-sept ans, maire de son département, conseiller général et député comme son père. Ce monsieur Février, non, Janvier veut une dot et un esprit qui lui fasse un salon politique. M. Janvier de La Motte, former prefect and Bonapartist deputy, wishes to marry off his son — a young man of twenty-seven, mayor of his department, general councillor and deputy like his father. This M. February — no, January — wants a dowry and a wit who will make him a political salon.² Cela me parut baroque, appliqué à moi et je répondis que je n'avais nulle envie de me marier, la baronne insistait sur les charmes des deux messieurs de La Motte. This struck me as bizarre applied to me, and I replied that I had no desire whatsoever to marry; the Baroness insisted on the charms of the two La Motte gentlemen.
— Dans tous les cas, dit-elle, je vous assure que vous devriez les connaître.
— In any case, she said, I assure you that you ought to know them.
— Les connaître ? je veux bien.
— To know them? Very well.
— Ce sont des amis de Cassagnac, des bonapartistes enragés et vous qui aimez les "conspirations", la politique...
— They are friends of Cassagnac, rabid Bonapartists, and you who love "conspiracies," politics... Vieille folle. Old fool. Mon chagrin et mon humiliation d'hier ont été récompensés ce matin. Maman me réveilla en me donnant un billet de Mouzay dans lequel elle invite à déjeuner aujourd'hui en joignant à son invitation un billet de Cassagnac. My grief and humiliation of yesterday were rewarded this morning. Maman woke me giving me a note from Mouzay inviting me to lunch today, to which was joined a note from Cassagnac. Cette chère et excellente femme ! That dear, excellent woman! Monsieur mon père qui voulait partir la nuit n'en fit rien après avoir reçu l'invitation (hier jeudi), au contraire il endossa une redingote avec boutonnière d'ordres dont il est décoré et se rendit avec une docilité admirable au quatrième étage de la rue Saint-Honoré, 420. Il reviendra à Paris et Cassagnac le mènera avec lui. Lui qui ne nous fait que du mal aura cette relation grâce à moi I! Monsieur my father, who had meant to leave during the night, did nothing of the sort after receiving the invitation (yesterday, Thursday); on the contrary, he put on a frock coat with the buttonhole decorations he wears and presented himself with admirable docility at the fourth floor of 420 rue Saint-Honoré. He will return to Paris and Cassagnac will bring him along. He who does us nothing but harm will have this connection — thanks to me! Enfin, que voulez-vous ? Well, what can one do?