Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday 20 March 1876

How time flies. We were at the church of Santa Croce in Gerusalemme — for the 20th of March is the only day on which women are admitted to the chapel of Saint Helena, mother of Emperor Constantine. I looked at the relics with the most indifferent air and prayed like a madwoman within myself. I prayed and I was afraid, for I had prayed to have the Duke — and I did not get him; I had prayed to have the Surprising One — and I did not get him; I had prayed to go into society in Rome — and I did not.
And today I prayed to have Torlonia… and I shall not have him! Why does God do this? To discourage me? It is useless — I shall never be discouraged; I shall pray always and for everything!
It rained all day and we saw no one.
On returning to my room after the table d'hôte I nearly fainted — from fatigue, disappointment, vexation. My face is always fresh, but inside I am weary.
What do I care for Bruschetti's desperate air, for Antonelli's protestations, for Plowden's compliments and near-offers!
When the one I want does not want me!
Why is it always the one who does not want you that you desire!
Torlonia is often drunk; he fought a duel over some trifle with a social inferior; he has caused many scandals; now he is reformed — or so they say. Well — imagine that this Torlonia, whom I have barely seen, interests me enormously. To give you the measure of how much: he is now the hero of my bedtime stories. Is that not foolish enough?
You see — for the past fortnight I had no longer been tormented; I had forgotten everything; and now a jealous divinity torments me today, presenting to me all the tedium of my position, all the sadness of our solitude, all the sordidness of our general abandonment — and to crown my torment, it shows me Torlonia with an aureole of grandeur, happiness, and beauty! I laugh at it now — I shall laugh still more later.
It will be ten o'clock in ten minutes — if… no, he will not come; he has nothing to do here; he goes into society, and for him to come here he would have to be in love with me. Now, he is not in love!
I shall hate Antonelli if Torlonia is his confidant — which is very probable.
I shall ask him, and that wretched boy will tell me.
One must leave Rome. Maman torments me to go to Naples — I have told her not to think of it before the 16th of April.
It is something, after all, to be mistress in one's own house.
I should very much like to know if we shall have anyone this evening, for I want to take my hair down and go to bed. It is a quarter past ten. I have read White Rose — I shall read a few more minutes. Dina is asleep in her room and Maman in the salon; Walitsky has gone out. It is cold — but I do not love Antonelli.
O boredom! I am bored so often and so thoroughly that I am incapable of doing anything.
Fortunately this evening there is no one.

Notes

Santa Croce in Gerusalemme — Basilica of the Holy Cross in Jerusalem, one of Rome's seven pilgrim churches, founded by the Empress Helena and said to enshrine relics of the True Cross. March 20th was traditionally the feast of Saint Helena and the one day when women were admitted to the crypt chapel. ↩
"The Surprising One" (le Surprenant) — Marie's nickname for Audiffret, the young man she pursued in Nice the previous season. ↩
A duel with a "social inferior" (inférieur) was considered particularly scandalous in aristocratic circles, as dueling etiquette required that opponents be of roughly equal rank. ↩
White Rose — In English in the original. See note to 1876-03-15. ↩