Wednesday, 15 December 1875

In the morning I was in town for various things for my rooms, and I encountered Markoff.

La matin j'etais en ville pour diverses choses pour mes chambres et j'ai rencontre Markoff.

I dreamed that I was no longer going to Rome — that I was taking teachers here and occupying myself with arranging my house. What if I made the dream a reality? But when I say as much, my mothers¹ exchange a glance and say I shall leave on Sunday.

J'ai reve que je n'allais plus a Rome, mais prenais des maitres ici et m'occupais a arranger ma maison. Si je faisais du reve une realite ? Mais lorsque je dis cela, mes meres s'echangent un coup d'oeil et disent que je partirai dimanche.

Vedete!²

Vedete !

Miss Robenson — thin, faded, aged, painted — looks ill, in a blue and gold hat, walking with Prodgers. Seeing the Pointed but pretty American in this state I become a little more cheerful. We go with my Graces to Rumpelmayer's — but passing before the Cercle de la Méditerranée, I see a hundred carriages near the door. It is the first afternoon dance today. I tilt my head to one side and, taking advantage of the dusk, weep.

Miss Robenson, maigrie, fanee, vieillie, peinte, a l'air malade, en chapeau bleu et or, se promene avec Prodgers. En voyant la Pointue mais jolie Americaine dans cet etat je deviens un peu plus gaie. Nous allons avec mes Graces chez Rumpelmayer, mais en passant devant le Cercle de la Mediterranee, je vois cent voitures pres de la porte. C'est la premiere matinee dansante aujourd'hui. Je penche la tete de cote et, profitant du crepuscule, pleure.

Maman stays at Nina's to avoid the storm.

Maman reste chez Nina pour eviter l'orage.

I go up to my room and, in passing, tear the door-curtain from the staircase and fling it to the devil.

Je monte chez moi et, en passant, arrache la portiere de l'escalier et la jette au diable.

No one believes in my grief, my despair — because I weep and laugh at the same time.

On croit pas a mon chagrin, a mon desespoir, parce que je pleure et je ris en meme temps.

I wanted to write immediately on returning home — but fortunately I thought better of it; I should have had to lament for thirty pages, whereas now I am numbed. I shall say only that at dinner I sat with eyes closed, overwhelming everyone with my ill-humour — weeping, laughing, saying foolish things — at which grandfather, who understands nothing, and Dina, who tries to cheer me, laughed. My aunt says nothing — or else says impertinent things to me.

Je voulais ecrire de suite en rentrant, mais heureusement je me suis ravisee, il m'aurait fallu me lamenter pendant trente pages, tandis qu'a present je suis abrutie, je dirai seulement qu'a diner je suis restee les yeux fermes et accablant tout le monde de ma mauvaise humeur, pleurant, riant, faisant des betises, dont papa, qui ne comprend rien, et Dina qui tache de m'egayer, riaient. Ma tante ne dit rien ou bien me dit des impertinences.

That seems strange to you, no doubt? Impertinences in this sense — that is how it is with me.³

Cela vous semble etrange n'est-ce pas ? *Impertinences* dans ce sens chez moi c'est ainsi.

Notes

mes mères: my mothers — Marie's habitual plural for her mother and aunt together. ↩

Vedete! (Italian): You see! — a rhetorical appeal to the reader to witness her situation. ↩

Marie notes that she uses "impertinences" in a particular personal sense — not rudeness in the usual manner but something more specifically wounding to her. ↩

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