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Sunday, 21 March 1875

# Dimanche, 21 mars 1875

I go to church with the children, dressed in grey like me.

Je vais à l'église avec les enfants, habillés de gris comme moi.

At exactly two o'clock we go out — Nadinka and I, and Paul, whom we tracked down yesterday at the café and brought home. The concert only begins at three o'clock; at three we go. Séraphine is beside us; having looked at me several times and seeing that I did not think to greet her, she inquires after Maman, and having begun thus talked to me the whole time.

...A deux heures juste nous sortons, moi, Nadinka et Paul qu'on a attrappé hier et ramené du café à la maison. La musique ne commence qu'à trois heures... Séraphine est à côté, après m'avoir regardé à plusieurs reprises et, vu que je ne pensais pas à la saluer, elle me demande des nouvelles de maman...

Audiffret was pacing back and forth in front of the public garden; he was not looking at me, but that proves nothing, since I was not looking at him either. What a state one must be in to bother with such a peasant! Poor me. Afterward we went to the café where I ate like a child. When we came out Audiffret was on the balcony of the Cercle.

Audiffret se promenait de long en large devant le jardin public... Faut-il qu'on soit à sec pour s'occuper d'un pareil paysan ! Pauvre moi.

I saw the young ladies in steel-grey tunics whom the devil spoke to on the day I mentioned. Why does he not come?

...Quand nous sortions Audiffret était sur le balcon du cercle.

We have a cook who is passable and who seems excellent after Adam.

J'ai vu les demoiselles en tunique gris de fer, auxquelles parlait le diable, le jour que j'ai dit.

For three days now I have wished to have large dark eyes. Impossible, alas! And to think that my wretched brother has such beautiful ones, which would be put to such good use in better hands. Since that is impossible I want something else — a Black servant girl.^[Fashionable wealthy households in Nice sometimes employed Black servants as a mark of status.] And a Black servant I shall have — (people will laugh, but I cannot help saying: God willing.)

Que ne vient-il ?

Reboux^[Caroline Reboux, the celebrated Paris milliner.] has sent me an exquisite hat — straw, with white and straw-colored feathers and at the back a half-crown of lily of the valley. This hat can be worn front to back. I am enchanted with it and do nothing but put it on and take it off.

...Depuis trois jours je désire avoir de grands yeux noirs. C'est impossible hélas ! Et dire que mon faquin de frère en a de si beaux... je veux autre chose, une négresse. Et une négresse j'aurai, (on se moquera mais je ne puis m'empêcher de dire: si Dieu permet.)

[Written across the page: I was very pretty at this period — I was never again so pretty.]

Reboux m'a envoyé un chapeau exquis, en paille... avec des plumes blanches et paille et derrière une demi-couronne de muguet. Ce chapeau peut se mettre derrière devant. J'en suis ravie...

[Crossed out: Monday 22 March 1875.]

[En travers: J'étais très jolie à cette époque je ne l'ai plus jamais été autant ]

I knew perfectly well I had forgotten something. This morning we talked of the Prince of Wales. This charming prince is very wild,^[In English in the original.] apparently, and we talked of his escapades. Grand-papa, who at every opportunity never fails to put in a word about the Duke of Hamilton — and whom I adore for it — says he heard from a French count he met in Geneva during the war that Hamilton is not on good terms with his wife.

[Rayé: Lundi 22 mars 1875]

— No, said Maman.

Je savais bien que j'ai oublié quelque chose. Ce matin nous avons parlé du prince de Galles. Ce charmant prince ==is very wild==^[*In English in the original.*] à ce qu'il paraît et on a parlé de ses escapades. Grand-papa... dit qu'il a entendu... que Hamilton ne *n'est pas bien avec sa femme*...

— No, I repeated.

— *Non*, dit maman.

— But it would have been better, she continued, if he had married a woman of good breeding — because in fact, from what one hears she is a woman of good family, but he married her because she is a family with connections and because his mother convinced him.

— *Non*, répétai-je.

— They say, (Grand-papa) that she is — I do not know how to translate the word — wild, as they say.

— *Mais ce serait mieux*, continua-t-elle, *s'il s'était marié à une femme bien... une famille avec des relations et parce que sa mère l'a convaincu.

— Well, said Papa, that means she conducts herself badly.

— On raconte*, *qu'elle est, je ne sais comment traduire ce mot, wild de [?] on dit cela.

— Is that really it? I said, all delight.

— Eh bien*, dit papa, *cela veut dire qu'elle se conduit mal.

— You see, Moussia, Papa continued, one must always choose someone from a good family. Such a family, such children — if the grandmother was dissolute, if the mother was dissolute, the daughter will be too.

— C'est vraiment ça*, dis-je toute joyeuse.

To my great regret I could say nothing about the Duchess of Manchester.

— *Tu vois, Moussia*, continuait papa, *il faut toujours choisir quelqu'un de bonne famille. Telle famille, tels enfants, si la grand-mère est débauchée, si la mère est débauchée, la fille le sera aussi.*

[Between the lines: And there was something to say.]

A mon grand regret je ne pus rien dire de la duchesse de Manchester.

We talked of it further — this is merely an extract. Then, some time before dinner when we were gathered again in Maman's room, people were speaking of I don't remember who — the brother of Botkine, I think —

[Entre les lignes: Et il y avait à dire pourtant.]

— What is pardonable in a man's life is not pardonable in a woman's, Maman was saying.

...Voyez-vous quand il s'agit de cet homme je ne sais plus ce que je dis, je ne puis plus écrire, et si l'écriture pouvait par son irrégularité faire comprendre mon agitation !... C'est que je l'aime, je l'aime, je l'aime, je l'aime.

— That is absurd — it is the same for women as for men; what is dishonorable is not pardonable.

Mon Dieu ne sera-t-il donc jamais mien ! Et me tourmenterai-je toujours ainsi.

— Well, picture a woman with Hamilton's face — he is ugly and fat.

Plus de temps passe et plus je m'agite, on dit qu'on se calme avec le temps. Mensonge ! Mensonge ! Invention de ceux qui n'ont pas aimé.

— No, he is handsome.

— And his sister is so beautiful, my aunt interjected, and how she resembles him.

— That is true, I said with a convinced air.

For several days I had been thinking of him less — or at least had been calmer — and now they go and wake all my sleeping passions again!

You see — when it concerns this man I no longer know what I say, I can no longer write — and if only the irregularity of my handwriting could convey my agitation! I break off at every moment, I clench my fists, I shake my head and I am in an impossible state! Because I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him.

My God, will he then never be mine! And shall I always torment myself thus?

The more time passes the more agitated I become. They say one grows calmer with time. A lie! A lie! The invention of those who have never loved.

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