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Sunday, 19 April 1874
Dimanche, 19 avril 1874
Les Howard à l’église invited us for to-morrow evening at a dancing-party, for children (robe neuve et chapeau). I asked several times mama to go to Lewin, there is no time to loose for Tuesday is the day, perhaps if no go, to-morrow will be too late.
They consent to go to-morow.1
They consent to go to-morow.
A gentleman, Mr Tchernichoff, was introduced yesterday to Maman; to-day he came to call.1
A gentleman, Mr Tchemichoff, was introduced yesterday to maman, to-day he came to call.
There is a very bad story about him. His first wife poisoned herself, some say was poisoned and he afterwards married the lady who caused the death of his wife by taking him from her. From despair she died.1
There is a very bad story about him. His first wife poisoned herself, some say was poisoned and he afterwards married the lady who caused the death of his wife by taking him from her. From despair she died.
They say no woman, can resist him, Pshaw ! nonsense. He is an old dog with almost rude manners, the genre of Sacha Lautrec that is the best description of his person.
We go with him to the exhibition, but there are too many people -- admission is free today. Then ices at the London House.
Nous allons avec lui à l’exposition mais il y a trop de monde, on ne paye rien aujourd’hui. Puis des glaces au London House.
Il a dit poussière dans le même sens que moi, il sait ce que c’est. J’étais étonnée et je rougis. Lorsque nous avons visité ensemble 55 il exprima exactement les mêmes idées que moi sur les cyprès et tout. Eh bien nous nous rencontrerons une autre fois, dit-il.
He thinks exactly as I do; he reads the words from one’s lips; I am astonished. I am amazed5.
Il pense tout à fait comme moi, il comprend les paroles de la bouche, je suis étonnée. Sono meravigliata.
crossed outIn the evening I become angry; it was agreed we would go to the choral competition.
(A story I can forget. M. Walitsky is to have a duel with another man, for having given him a slap on the hand.)
(Une histoire que je peux oublier. M. Walitsky aura un duel avec un autre homme, pour lui avoir donné une claque sur la main).
I was at the Pattons’. Nathalie showed me the house, then I was bored in the garden.
J’étais chez les Patton. Nathalie me montra la maison puis je me suis ennuyée au jardin.
In the evening I become angry. In a few words, here is what happened: it was agreed we would go at eight o’clock to the choral competition on the Promenade -- the illuminations at night are beautiful. Before that, we go to la Musette’s, where we find Viviani, who invites us tomorrow to Beaulieu. Maman sometimes has outbursts6 like Olga Anitchkoff -- well, without a word she left, and we stayed until ten o’clock. At the end, especially when I found myself in the street, I became furious.
Le soir je me fâche. En peu de mots voilà: il était convenu d’aller à huit heures au concours des orphéons sur la Promenade, les illuminations la nuit c’est beau. Avant nous entrons chez la Musette, nous y trouvons Viviani qui nous invite demain à Beaulieu. Maman a parfois des sorties comme Olga Anitchkoff, eh bien, sans dire mot elle s’en alla et nous restâmes jusqu’à dix heures. A la fin surtout quand je me suis retrouvée dans la rue, je devins furieuse.
Auguste told us that madame is at the London House; indeed, we find her there with Walitsky, Georges and Tchernichoff. I was furious and I said a few words to show it to her.1
Auguste nous dit que madame est au London House, en effet we find her there with Walitsky, Georges and Tchernichoff. I was furious and I said a few words to show it to her.
I would have said nothing if she went to the London House for supper, dinner, etc. -- I do not ask to go. I do not want to go. What angers me is that she behaves like Olga -- like a madwoman, like a lunatic!
Je n’aurais rien dit si elle allait au London House souper, dîner etc. je ne demande pas à y aller. Je ne veux pas y aller. Ce qui me fâche c’est qu’elle fait comme Olga, comme une enragée, comme une folle !
It is still the lack of acquaintances that causes this; if one saw men more often, one would be accustomed to it and would know how to behave always evenly, and not in fits and starts.
C’est encore le manque de connaissances qui cause cela; si on voyait plus souvent des hommes on y serait habitué et on saurait se conduire toujours également et pas par bonds et cascades.
This gentleman is a true Lautrec; he is witty like me, but he speaks French badly.
Ce monsieur est un vrai Lautrec, il fait de l’esprit comme moi, mais il parle mal français.
I was furious not because I did not go to the public garden, but at this erratic behaviour and mad irritation. It produces upon me the same effect as when I speak and no one answers, as Maman, my aunt, Walitsky, and Paul do -- that whole fine company of cherubs7. There is nothing in the world that angers me so.
J’étais furieuse non parce que je ne suis pas allée au jardin public mais pour cette conduite saccadée et agacement fol. Cela produit sur moi le même effet que lorsque je parle et on ne répond pas, comme font maman, ma tante, Walitsky et Paul; tutta quella bella brigata di cherubini. Il n’y a rien au monde qui me mette en colere comme cela.
I must be writing gibberish8, because I am raging. He who feels as I do will understand me.
Je dois écrire un galimatias parce que je rage. Celui qui sent comme moi me comprendra.
M. Lautrec escorted Dina and me to the carriage (we left in two groups); he kept us a few minutes longer, speaking with an affected frankness but very amicably, if that is the right word; he shook my hand several times, tried to force me to admit I was capricious when I refused his orangeade, and we parted good comrades. Every time he gave me his hand, I gave him the fifth, fourth, and third finger of my left hand. He talked so much and at such length that I took him for an old acquaintance, and I said to him, tapping gently on his hand: Yes, yes9 -- as good comrades -- au revoir, in Paris10. He is exactly like me; it is a pity he is a man, otherwise I would be his friend. But I can be, very well -- he is old and married and not at all to my taste. These manners do not surprise me, since he is exactly like me. He dyes his hair and resembles old Emile and Zenkovski11.
M. Lautrec me reconduisit moi et Dina à la voiture, (nous partîmes en deux groupes), il nous retient quelques minutes encore, parle avec une franchise affectée mais très amicalement, si le mot est bon, me donne plusieurs fois la main, me veut forcer à avouer que j’étais capricieuse quand je refusais son orangeade et nous nous quittons bons camarades. Toutes les fois qu’il me donnait la main je lui donnais le cinquième, le quatrième et le troisième doigt de ma main gauche. Il parla tant et tellement que je le pris pour une vieille connaissance et je lui dis en lui tapant doucement sur la main: Oui, oui en bons camarades, au revoir, à Paris. Il est tout à fait comme moi, c’est dommage que c’est un homme; autrement je serais son amie. Mais je le peux très bien, il est vieux et marié et pas du tout de mon goût. Ces manières ne me surprennent pas, puisqu’il est exactement comme moi; il se teint les cheveux et ressemble aux vieux Emile et à Zenkovski.
One no longer sees the nice boy who pleases me so much -- what a pity. He pleases me greatly, young Emile. I am not surprised that Lautrec No. 2 pleases women. Even Maman lets herself be taken in.
On ne voit plus le gentil garçon qui me plaît tant, quel dommage. Il me plaît beaucoup, le jeune Emile. Je ne m’étonne pas que Lautrec n° 2 plaise aux femmes. Maman même se laisse prendre.
Shall I please men, since I am like him?
Est-ce que je plairai aux hommes, puisque je suis comme lui ?
He is a good comrade, and I would like him if I did not see that he courts my mother a little. However, he is a great braggart and of an affected simplicity, but I alone notice this affectation; the others take it for genuine.
Il est un bon camarade et je l’aimerais si je ne le voyais pas qu’il fait un peu la cour à ma mère. Cependant il est un grand fanfaron et d’une simplicité affectée, mais moi seule je remarque cette affectation, les autres prennent cela pour du vrai.
But I know myself and I know him; I am better than he.
Mais je me connais et je le connais; je suis mieux que lui.
Lewin does not part from Clementine; she is everywhere on his arm. They must be engaged; otherwise it is inexplicable.
Lewin ne se sépare pas de Clémentine, elle est partout à son bras; ils doivent être fiancés, autrement c’est inexplicable.
I was bored at the windows of Mme de Mouzay, but he came, and those windows -- I would not leave them. I looked below at the vile multitude of men and above at the vile multitude of stars; there is only he. The more he becomes ethereal, the more I adore him, for I long ago ceased to love him -- I adore him. When I think of him, I become so gentle, so calm, so good; I am no longer of this world when I am with him.
Je m’ennuyais aux fenêtres de Mme de Mouzay mais il vint et ces fenêtres, je ne voulus plus les quitter. Je regardais en bas la vile multitude des hommes et en haut la vile multitude des astres; il n’y a que lui, plus il devient aérien plus je l’adore, car il y a longtemps que j’ai cessé de l’aimer, je l’adore. Lorsque je pense à lui je deviens si douce, si calme, si bonne, je ne suis plus de ce monde lorsque je suis avec lui.
Time passes; he recedes, and I love him. Shall I see him one day -- how, when, where? Shall I have the chance to tell him how much I loved him, how dear he was to me?
Le temps passe, il s’éloigne et je l’aime. Le verrai-je un jour, comment, quand, où ? Aurai-je l’occasion de lui dire combien je l’ai aimé, combien il m’a été cher ?
How shall I see him? Oh, no matter how, provided I see him, that I speak to him -- no, it seems to me I could not speak.
Comment le verrai-je ? Oh ! n’importe comment, pourvu que je le voie, que je lui parle; non, il me semble que je ne pourrai pas parler.
Perhaps, seeing him in ten years, I shall find him grotesque and unworthy, but in the meantime -- may heaven protect him, may he be happy, and may I see him again; these are my wishes.
Peut-être en le voyant dans dix ans je le trouverai grotesque et indigne, mais en attendant que le ciel le protège, qu’il soit heureux, et que je le revoie, voilà quels sont mes désirs.
And if... one day, yes... oh no!
Et si... un jour, oui... oh non !
Notes
In English in the original. Marie’s spelling and phrasing are kept as she wrote them: to-morrow, to-morow, loose (for lose), if no go (presumably “if we do not go”). ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
poussière: Marie’s private word for common, insignificant people (“dust”); Tchernichoff uses it as she does. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
In Italian in the original: Sono meravigliata. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
In Italian in the original: tutta quella bella brigata di cherubini (sarcastic). ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩
Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩