Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Wednesday, 26 November 1873

I write the journal for two days together; let us begin with Wednesday. Nothing remarkable; Woerman came, his first visit here. I must say I had the honour of seeing my illustrious father. We got out of the carriage with Maman, and in the middle of the Strait of Flies (as I call it -- where all those stupid people sit at the promenade) we see Papa. He rises and says hello, quite simply, holding out his hand, to Maman, then to me. He begins:
-- One must be simpler; that is what one always learns. (I must also say that he remarked to Paul that it is improper for a young lady to study as much as I do, that the only thing left is to cut my hair and become a nihilist. What a barbarian! What a savage! One must be ignorant to be proper. That's rich.)
-- I am always simple.
Then a few commonplace phrases. Then Maman spoke of the weather. Then they spoke of me. It appears that my illustrious parent finds me cold, even impertinent. Would you believe this brute! He remembers, he tells Paul, that two years ago when we were getting into the carriage I placed myself beside Maman and did not yield him the place. This savage hippopotamus! He begs Maman to come to the hotel, but Maman refuses, and I say:
-- If you wish to talk a little you may come to Maman's, but Maman will not go to the hotel. You must come to her and Nina to you. If Maman were alone, I would always come, but...
-- Those are futile pretexts.
In the end we came to rather strong words. He said:
-- Whatever kind of father I may be -- criminal, scoundrel -- all the same one must...
-- I cannot judge my father, whatever he may be.
-- Well, if he is treated as a stranger, then there must be propriety.
-- I do not treat strangers otherwise than all my acquaintances, and very decently.
And in that tone. The carriage comes; I am about to get in:
-- Well, Maman, let us sit down; I have not the time.
He: "Yes, you never have the time. Marie Stepanovna, stay. You will leave afterwards."
To my fury she stays; she behaves like a fool. I do not understand that woman -- she is all animated and does not conduct herself with any dignity at all; she should leave with us. It is maddening to see people without tact!
They all go to Monaco, my Pater too; Maman takes a thousand francs from him and loses them on the spot -- serves her right! Everyone was astonished to see Maman taking money from a man without counting.
The next day -- today, Thursday -- she has a bad headache and does not get up all day. My adorable papa has left; he gave some money to Paul and asked Maman to give me five hundred francs, but she wisely refused, and I am delighted. I am proud; I will not take money from that wretched creature -- a dried and crushed leaf; no, a crushed yellow insect. What a detestable man! He went with that lost boy Paul to actresses and told him everything he ought not to have said; in short, acted like a stranger, and a coward at that. Poor Khalkionoff is very ill; he is very indignant and rose from his bed forgetting his pain and began to cry out that it is cowardly, dreadful, to poison a boy, a son -- when Paul came in slightly tipsy after luncheon with his father. A very good fellow, this Khalkionoff -- a little rough, but very honest and of a noble nature.
Thursday, we go to fetch the Howards but meet them on the way; we take Lise, then, dropping off Hitchcock, Helene. We come in to our house for a few minutes (blue dress and hat, fine); Mme Howard too. A terrible wind, sun, and dust. I have lately conceived a hatred of the sun; I am happy only on a grey day. This evening we go to the Howards'; they are going to launch a balloon and set off fireworks; there will be nothing but boys -- five of them -- and big ones, fourteen to seventeen. Bother! I prefer men.

^[In English in the original.]
After mature reflection I put on my old blue cashmere dress -- without the sailor collar, but with a half-open lace collar, matching cuffs, a ravishing matching brooch of turquoises and diamonds (my aunt's). The heavy bracelet, and that is all. Modest hairstyle. Fine. I find myself looking well, always in proportion. Dina, Paul, and Hitchcock come too. They were waiting only for us. First the boys are introduced with great ceremony. Everyone runs to the garden and they try to launch the balloon; the wind is strong; they give up, and the fireworks begin. We all stay on the croquet lawn. The boys direct them, but then they think of chasing us with blazing rockets that they hurl; everyone runs, shouts, laughs! Mr Howard himself infuria to such a point that he runs, chases us, plays a hundred pranks like a street boy. He is really very kind. For a few moments there were screams, laughter, comings and goings. We run down the hill to escape the fireworks; at last the pleasure is interrupted by an unexpected personage: the rain. I am all dishevelled and rosy from the wind. We are in the blue salon; coffee is served. I begin there to talk with these boys and we talk, of course, about my horse accident. They are the sons of the gentleman who held my horse -- friends of the Boutowskys, the Barters. I find that boys are a hundred times more amusing than girls. We spoke English. We move to the grand salon and dance. I did not want to at first, but... in the end I danced like a madwoman without stopping the whole time; I left one partner and another took me, and so on. At last when I wanted to catch my breath for a moment my brother carried me off. I danced so much that my boot split majestically. There were Mr and Mrs Allen, very fine -- antipolvere -- and their son, but I do not know if I saw him. The adults stood near the fireplace and we danced. I danced by inspiration, for I no longer remember what I was taught. I was pretty and did not lose much beside Helene. Her beauty no longer delights me as much. Mr Barter comes to fetch his sons and tells everyone in the salon that I did not fall but that the horse fell, and I, on the contrary, jumped very nimbly and quickly. At last -- the Truth!!! Oh, the Truth!

^["Croquet lawn" and "hill" in English in the original. "Infuria" -- flew into a frenzy -- and "antipolvere" -- dustproof -- in Italian in the original.]
The Truth!!!!!!!!!!!
I go to him and thank him for holding or picking up my horse; it was then that he told -- the Truth. We invite all the Howards and all those boys to our house next Thursday at two o'clock for croquet-cricket, dinner, fireworks, and dancing. All these (I thank God for not letting me be ugly) lads shake hands. Truly, boys are very amusing -- what then must men be!!
Lizzie, my dear, one of these lads is courting you. How silly you both are.
I enjoyed myself. Paul puts his hat on like the duke, and in the dark his hair is the same shape, and that hat -- and when he tilts his head, the back of the head is like the duke.
On the way home I tell Maman what we did. She finds me pretty (blue suits me) and asks:
-- Whom will you marry?
-- I do not know, Maman. Woerman is worthless.
-- I should think so; rubbish. I like something substantial, not a creature one can crush.
-- So who?
-- I do not know.
-- Gritsia Miloradovitch -- he is tall.
-- Ah, do not speak of it; I do not like those people. Those Russians do not please me.
[Written across the page: At fourteen they were talking to me of men and marriage!!]
Maman wants to promote this Miloradovitch in every way; the other day Soukhotine said he does not pour champagne into a glass [Crossed out: but drinks from the bottle] but simply uncorks it with his teeth and downs the bottle in one go.
I forget -- yesterday evening Solominka, Dina, and I, in my room, sang operas, threw ourselves on the floor, and other amusing follies. (If she knew I speak of him here she would be pleased.) Maman told me this. I think it is nice, but it is not what I love. I love the Duke of Hamilton; I love only him, and I have never (you hadn't the time, my girl!) loved another. He is adorable; nothing is more beautiful than he, even when he gets drunk and his reason flees. I adore him especially when he sows his coins at the roulette table (he plays as if he were sowing).
I saw him play once, and I see him as if alive.