Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday, 10 November 1873

All these days, torrential rains -- but today the weather is fine. I was having my English lesson when Walitsky flings open the door, rushes in with a sheet of music -- "Dedicated to the Duchess of Hamilton, Princess of Baden!" he cries like a madman, and leaves. Hitchcock asks what it is about; I say I have no idea, but Walitsky comes back in and says:

Tous ces jours pluies torrentielles, mais aujourd'hui il fait beau. Je prenais ma lecon d'anglais, Walitsky ouvre furieusement la porte, se precipite avec un cahier de musique : "Dedie a Mme la duchesse de Hamilton, princesse de Bade" s'ecrie-t-il comme un fou et s'en va. Hitchcock demande ce que c'est, je dis que je n'en sais rien mais Walitsky entre et dit:

-- You do not know, oh! Miss Mary is in love. The Duke of Hamilton! ^[In English in the original.]

-You do not know, oh ! Miss Mary is in love. The Duke of Hamilton !

-- Oh! How stupid, don't believe, it is all nonsense; I don't know the Duke of Hamilton. I only saw him sometimes in the street. ^[In English in the original.]

- Oh ! how stupid, don't believe, it is all nonsense, I don't know the Duke of Hamilton. I only saw him sometimes in the street

-- But it is of no use to love him, he is married, says Hitchcock. ^[In English in the original.]

- But it is of no use to love him, he is married, dit Hitchcock.

-- No, he is not; it is the old one that was married to the Princess of Bade. He is dead. ^[In English in the original.]

- No, he is not, it is the old one, that was married to the princess of Bade, he is dead.

-- Well, I am sure you told he was nice. ^[In English in the original.]

- Well I am sure you told he was nice.

-- No, never, but they are seizing me about that, but it is all nonsense, I assure you. I only hold that I like his manner of dressing; it is not common, and they seize me. And imagine, how stupid -- I am when I hear his name I become quite red. ^[In English in the original. Marie writes "seizing" for "teasing."]

- No never, but they are seizing me about that, but it is all nonsense. I assure you. I only hold that I like his manner of dressing it is not common and they seize me. And imagine, how stupid I am when I hear his name I become quite red.

-- Oh! Then what will you do when you see him? You will be quite red. ^[In English in the original.]

- Oh ! then what will you do when you see him, you will be quite red.

-- I don't know, but he is going to marry. ^[In English in the original.]

- I don't know, but he is going to marry.

-- Whom? ^[In English in the original.]

- Whom.

-- I don't know. ^[In English in the original.]

- I don't know.

-- Perhaps yes, whom? ^[In English in the original.]

- Perhaps yes, whom ?

-- I do not know indeed. ^[In English in the original.]

- I do not know indeed.

-- I like very much the name of Hamilton. Yes, it is a very good name. ^[In English in the original.]

- I like very much the name of Hamilton. Yes it is a very good name.

-- Well, when I see him, I shall introduce him to you. ^[In English in the original.]

- Well, when I see him, I shall introduce him to you.

-- Do you know him? ^[In English in the original.]

- Do you know him ?

-- Not at all; red, fat, little grey eyes, smiling because he is very often, almost always drunk. ^[In English in the original.]

- Not at all, red, fat, little grey eyes, smiling because he is very often, almost always drunk.

-- Oh! Then I won't introduce him; he won't do a good husband if he drinks. ^[In English in the original.]

- Oh ! then I won't introduce him, he won't do a good husband if he drinks.

-- Oh! But please, don't begin you to tease me. I say it is all nonsense -- a little girl as I am, in love... oh, horror! Nonsense. ^[In English in the original.]

- Oh ! but please, don't begin you to tease me, I say it is all nonsense, a little girl as I am, in love... oh, horror ! Nonsense.

-- Yes, you are a little girl. ^[In English in the original.]

- Yes, you are a little girl.

The horses come and we go out with Paul; there are a great many people, but how wretched Nice is to live in permanently! To come for the month of the races as if on an outing -- that is charming. But to live here! Oh, goodness. ^[In English in the original.]

Les chevaux viennent et nous allons avec Paul, il y a beaucoup de monde, mais que Nice est sale pour y demeurer toujours ! Venir le mois des courses comme pour une promenade c'est charmant, mais y vivre ! Oh ! goodness.

My horse skids, plays up, and even makes too much mischief -- he would not go forward and began to spin round and mounted the pavement; with difficulty I got him to walk. But towards the end he went so well that I am quite delighted. It was almost dark; they were lighting the lanterns, and then we trotted. But this horse is truly charming. I am training him to trot; we passed nearly the whole promenade at a trot. I was going very well, very well -- on arriving at the house I declared that I burn with a new flame for... myself. ^[In English in the original.]

Mon cheval patine, joue et fait meme trop de betises, il ne voulut pas avancer et se mit a tourner et monta sur le trottoir, avec peine je le fis marcher. Mais vers la fin il alla si bien que I am quite delighted. Il faisait presque sombre, on allumait les lanternes, alors nous avons trotte, mais ce cheval est vraiment charmant. Je l'habitue a trotter, nous avons passe presque toute la promenade au trot, j'allais tres bien, tres bien en arrivant a la maison j'ai declare que je brule d'une flamme nouvelle pour.... moi.

We were trotting a piu non posso and I would not allow a stop: Go on, Jennings, go on! That is my war-cry. A coachman at the races in Paris was urging on Jennings as they (those horses) were passing and nearly reaching the finish: Go on, Jennings, go on! I could not stop repeating it, and I shall repeat it for a long time; it will be my catchphrase and my oath instead of "dogs." In the garden, a full gallop as at the races. What bliss! I climb the stairs in my riding habit with a scarlet face, and they tell me that M. Tormosoff is with us. Solominka is also in the salon, quite flushed, excited, and in a state. Poor creature! They speak of Mme Beketoff -- there is a woman after my own heart. She writes to Tormosoff that she will spend the winter in Cairo, the blessed woman! ^[Italian: a piu non posso = to the utmost. "Go on, Jennings, go on!" and "excited" in English in the original.]

Nous trottions a piu non posso et je ne permettais pas d'arreter: Go on, Jennings, go on ! C'est mon cri de guerre. Un cocher aux courses a Paris encourageait Jennings lorsqu'ils (ces chevaux) passaient et touchaient presque au but: Go on Jennings go on. Je ne cessais de le repeter, et je le repeterai longtemps, ce sera mon tic et mon sapristi instead of chiens. Au jardin un ventre a terre comme aux courses. Quel charme ! Je monte l'escalier en amazone et une face ecarlate, et on m'apprend que M. Tormosoff est chez nous. Solominka est aussi au salon, elle toute rouge, excited, et bouleversee. Pauvre bete ! On parle des Mme Beketoff; voila une femme qui me plait. Elle ecrit a Tormosoff qu'elle passera l'hiver au Caire, la bienheureuse !

At dinner I drink, to astonish Miss Hitchcock, a glass of red wine and water, then a quarter glass of brandy, all at once. Then I become gay, and to repeat all I said... upon my word, I give it up. I know only that I laughed, she laughed, we laughed, they laughed. In the salon afterwards, Walitsky plays music. How well he plays -- it is a charm. At dinner I depicted the Duke of Hamilton: He has cow's legs, pig's face, and a hippopotamus's back. Red hair, red face, little eyes. Awful. ^[In English in the original.]

A diner je bois pour etonner Miss Hitchcock un verre de vin rouge et d'eau, ensuite un quart de verre d'eau-de-vie, tout a la fois. Alors je deviens gaie, et pour repeter tout ce que j'ai dit... ma foi, j'y renonce. Je sais seulement que j'ai ri, elle a ri, nous avons ri, ils ont ri. Au salon ensuite, Walitsky fait de la musique. Comme il joue bien, c'est un charme. A diner j'ai depeint le duc de Hamilton. He has cow's legs, pig's face and a hippopotamus's back. Red hair, red face, little eyes. Awful.

How I wish to stay with everyone; they are singing. But lessons -- that plague of human life. Having finished them I go to say good night, and they begin to praise me -- about my studies, physics, chemistry, etc., etc. -- and Bete begins to praise my face, to say I am fair. Many have told me so, but I shall never believe it. (Maman has seen Prince Gagarin.) ^[In English in the original.]

Comme je voudrais rester avec tous, on chante, mais les lecons, cette plage de la vie humaine. Les ayant finis je vais dire bonsoir, et on commence a faire mon eloge, about my studies, physique, chimie, etc. etc. et Bete commence a louer ma face, a dire que je suis blanche. Beaucoup me l'ont dit, mais je ne le croirai jamais, (Maman a vu le prince Gagarine).

I write, and I hear the piano and the voices; how I wish I could go! But no -- duty. Go on, Jennings, go on! ^[In English in the original.]

J'ecris et j'entends le piano et les voix; que je voudrais [m'en] aller ! mais non, le devoir. Go on Jennings, go on !

There are three new horses: Molly Brown, Mobile II, Whaler.

Il y a trois nouveaux chevaux, Molly Brown, Mobile II, Whaler.

His Mobile won first prize at Porchefontaine. It is the first time since Baden that I see him win a first prize. I look at his photograph by the light; I see only the back of his neck, but... I see within myself his face, so vivid, so natural.

Son Mobile a gagne le premier prix a Porchefontaine, (Page) . C'est la premiere fois depuis Bade que je le vois gagner un premier prix. Je regarde sa photographie a la lumiere, je ne vois que la nuque, mais... je vois dans moi-meme sa figure, si vivante, naturelle.

I love him so! I do not know why... I am stupid. I am so miserable, and at the same time I laugh, I sing, I eat. Especially eating is not seemly for one who is so miserable. But I am like that. I die for an instant and in a second I am gay, lively, and mad, and when I am at the height of madness I fall back con maggior forza into ennui, into grief. My dear Hippopatamus, we shall see each oth-- ^[Italian: con maggior forza = with greater force.]

Je l'aime tant ! Je ne sais pas pourquoi... je suis bete. Je suis si malheureuse et en meme temps, je ris, je chante, je mange. Surtout manger n'est pas convenable pour moi qui suis si malheureuse. Mais je suis ainsi. Je meurs un instant et dans une seconde je suis gaie, vive et folle, et lorsque je suis au comble de folie je retombe con maggior forza dans l'ennui, dans la douleur. Mon cher *Hippopatamus* nous nous rever...