Friday, 7 November 1873

[Two lines crossed out: Plans for Russia, Paris, Baden, regrets about the Duke in the carriage.]

[Deux lignes rayees: Projets de Russie, Paris, Bade, regrets du duc en voiture.]

I went riding with Paul at half past four -- a little too late, but it is not so hot. At the beginning I could not trot well; only towards the end I succeeded. There was a crowd of people. Dady and Brady too. But the wretched Paul apes Khalkionoff and rides very badly. Right in the middle of the promenade we see a cavalcade approaching -- the Arsons and Mme Audiffret. They gallop, we trot, but at the moment when we are very close, my horse rears, jumps, and breaks into a gallop. The cavalcade lets out piercing screams. ^[In English in the original.]

J'ai monte a cheval avec Paul a quatre heures et demie, c'est un peu trop tard, mais il ne fait pas si chaud, je ne pouvais pas au commencement bien trotter, vers la fin seulement j'ai succeeded. Il y avait des bataclans. Dady and Brady aussi. Mais le malheureux Paul singe Khalkionoff et monte tres mal. Au beau milieu de la promenade nous voyons arriver une cavalcade, les Arson et Mme Audiffret. Ils galopent, nous trottons, mais au moment ou nous sommes tout pres mon cheval se cabre, saute et se met a galoper. La cavalcade pousse des cris percants.

In an instant Arson stops "to rescue" me, but everything passes off very well and we continue calmly.

En un instant Arson s'arrete "*pour secourir*" mais tout se passe tres bien et nous continuons tranquillement.

This evening I said and did so much nonsense, especially to Miss Hitchcock, that I am quite worn out. I played the canary song, telling her it was the Russian anthem, and so on.

Ce soir j'ai fait et dit tant de betises surtout a Miss Hitchcock que j'en suis toute fatiguee. J'ai joue le serin disant que c'est l'hymme russe et ainsi de suite.

Pitou is becoming very bad-tempered, and Maman told me not to go near him:

Pitou devient tres mechant, et maman me disait de ne pas m'en approcher:

"He'll bite the tip of your nose off."

- Il t'enlevera le bout du nez.

"I'll hang him."

- Je le pendrai.

"It will be too late."

- Ce sera trop tard.

"Then I'll hang everyone -- all of you."

- Alors je pendrai tout le monde, vous tous.

"It will be too late all the same."

- Ce sera trop tard tout de meme.

"Very well, I shall hang myself."

- Eh bien je me pendrai moi-meme.

Then the princess says:

-- You know what you will better do, hang yourself on the neck of the Duke of Hamilton. ^[In English in the original.]

- You know what you will better do, hang yourself on the neck of the Duke of Hamilton.

-- You have always something stupid to say. ^[In English in the original.]

- You have always something stupid to say.

These people bore me to death. Walitsky bores me too. Yesterday I was saying that Baden without the roulette is just as charming as with it, that last summer it was charming, that there were a great many people.

Ces gens-la m'embetent. Walitsky aussi m'ennuie. Hier je disais que Bade sans la roulette est aussi charmant qu'avec, que l'ete dernier c'etait charmant, qu'il y avait beaucoup de monde.

"Yes," says Walitsky, "Hamilton walked about with a pig."

- Oui, dit Walitsky, Hamilton se promenait avec un cochon.

"That is not true, it is nonsense."

- Ce n'est pas vrai, ce sont des betises.

"No, truly," says Maman, and then my aunt:

- Non en verite, dit maman et ensuite ma tante:

"Not the Duke, but Carlo, etc., etc."

- Pas le duc, mais Carlo etc. etc.

I blushed deeply. They do not know how they vex me with their misplaced jests, and yet I greedily swallow everything said about him, and my greatest happiness is to hear him spoken of. This very morning at breakfast (not lunch), Papa began telling the Renard story to Hitchcock; I come in to hear his name pronounced and his words repeated, but I am caught, for Papa said in front of Hitchcock while I was in the room "mistress" and named Gioia. Papa is truly stupid not to understand that there are things one does not say before children, especially when there are strangers present. ^["Breakfast" in English in the original.]

J'ai rougi beaucoup. Ils ne savent pas comme ils me vexent par leurs plaisanteries deplacees et cependant j'avale avec avidite tout ce qu'on dit de lui, et mon plus grand bonheur est d'en entendre parler. Ce matin encore au *breakfast* (not lunch) papa se mit a raconter l'histoire de Renard a Hitchcock, j'entre pour entendre son nom prononcer et ses paroles repetees et je suis attrapee car papa a dit devant Hitchcock lorsque j'etais dans la chambre "maitresse" et nomme Gioia. Papa est vraiment bete de ne pas comprendre qu'il y a des choses qu'on ne dit pas devant les enfants, surtout lorsqu'il y a des etrangers.

Here is my favourite plan, cherished and longed for: to go in March to Russia to finish these affairs that poison me; return in the autumn abroad, to Paris, and settle there as one should; in the spring, England; and in the summer, Baden, which I hold dear, where I was happy. If God would permit this to come to pass! I shall pray to Him; I shall try to deserve this happiness; I shall not be wicked. When they speak of Baden, I bite my lips to keep from weeping with vexation; I cannot forgive myself for not having gone these last two summers. And when they remind me of the day when I wanted (returning from Paris) to stay one day in Baden, I feel everything most suffocating rising to my throat; I blush and I weep. Then I wept for two hours, and never shall I forget it; that sad memory stays with me and torments me at this moment. Bete had the audacity to say I am prettier than the Howards.

Voila mon plan favori, cheri et desire, aller en mars en Russie finir ces affaires qui m'empoisonnent, retourner en automne a l'etranger, a Paris, s'y installer *comme il faut,* au printemps en Angleterre et l'ete a Baden que je cheris, ou j'etais heureuse. Si Dieu voulait permettre que cela arriva ! Je le prierai, je tacherais de meriter ce bonheur, je ne serai pas mechante. Lorsqu'on parle de Bade, je me mords les levres pour ne pas pleurer de depit, je ne puis me pardonner de n'y etre pas allee ces deux derniers etes. Et lorsqu'on me rappelle le jour ou je voulais (retournant de Paris) rester un jour a Bade, je sens tout ce qu'il y a de plus etouffant me monter a la gorge, je rougis et je pleure. Alors je pleurais deux heures, et jamais je ne l'oublierais; ce souvenir triste me restera et me tourmente en ce moment. Bete eut l'audace de dire que je suis mieux que les Howard.

Helene and Lise have Russian costumes; we think they will give a costume ball. I am preoccupied with my costume; I wish to look better than I did yesterday beside them. I wish to look well.

Helene et Lise ont des costumes russes, nous pensons qu'ils donneront un bal costume. Je me preoccupe du costume, je voudrais etre mieux que je n'etais hier a cote d'elles. Je voudrais etre bien.

The day before yesterday Pitou tore Solominka's hats to pieces; she moved to Mme Daniloff's. We thought that was the end of it, but not at all. She dined with us yesterday and lunched today, and is no nicer for it.

Pitou avant-hier dechira les chapeaux de Solominka, elle demenagea chez Mme Daniloff, nous croyons que c'etait craque, mais pas du tout. Elle a dine hier chez nous et dejeuner aujourd'hui et n'est pas plus gentille.

Friends from afar are true friends.

Les amis de loin sont de vrais amis.

My dear father is coming to Nice. Beast!

Mon cher pere vient a Nice. Animal !

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