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Tuesday, 30 September 1873

I go to Maman and tell her what I felt yesterday, gently. There was no scene; on the contrary, they agreed I was right. I wept softly, my head bowed forward, so that the floor became wet, and if we lived in mythology a spring would have to form. Maman told me that we cannot go much into society on account of my dear aunts and old Madame Tolstoy. That we must not know Mme Skariatine, who is much in Nice.

Je vais chez maman et lui dis ce que j'ai senti hier, doucement. Il n'y eut pas de scene, au contraire on m'a donne raison. J'ai pleure doucement la tete penchee en avant de sorte que le plancher devint mouille et si nous etions dans la mythologie une source devrait se former. Maman m'a dit que nous ne pouvons pas aller beaucoup dans le monde a cause de mes cheres tantes et de la mere Tolstoy. Que nous ne devons pas connaitre Mme Skariatine qui est beaucoup a Nice.

[In the margin: We have a new chambermaid. Palajka is at Rentrua's.]

The consul was to introduce us at the prefecture, but they are on bad terms. Maman is not lively and enterprising enough; she lets people talk, they slander, she says nothing. And then we had the misfortune of being too kind, of receiving just anyone. And when there is one rascal, he begets a hundred and leaves no room for the good. Every time I said we should not see this person or that, they answered: "Why? He is an honest man," or "She is a good woman." Yes, yes, I answered in my turn, they aren't worth their pockets. Our misfortune is that everyone in our family seeks hearts and qualities, where one should seek only position and name. This is why our family, which is noble and ancient, will never play a role -- not even as a parvenu would. We reasoned in this vein; I wept. I am in despair; I am unhappy; I weep; I shall die. Maman pleased me; she suggests I return to my father. Nonsense!

Le consul devait nous presenter a la prefecture mais ils sont mal. Maman n'est pas assez vive et entreprenante, elle laisse parler, on calomnie, elle ne dit rien. Et puis nous avions le malheur d'etre trop bons, de recevoir n'importe qui. Et lorsqu'il y a une canaille elle en fait cent et ne laisse plus de place aux bons. Toutes les fois que je disais de ne pas voir celui-la ou un autre, on me repondait: Pourquoi, c'est un honnete homme, ou c'est une bonne femme. Oui, oui, repondais-je a mon tour, ils ne valent pas poches. Notre malheur est que tous cherchent des coeurs et des qualites, ou l'on ne doit chercher que position et nom. C'est pour cela que notre famille, qui est noble et ancienne, ne jouera jamais un role, comme un parvenu. Nous raisonnions sur ce ton, je pleurais. Je suis au desespoir, je suis malheureuse, je pleure, je mourrai. Maman me plaisait, elle me propose de retourner chez mon pere. Betise !

We shall always be fools in our family. Because one scoundrel has told a few lies, must we consider ourselves guilty? Because we must not know Mme Skariatine on account of her friendship with my aunts, must we know nobody?

On sera toujours bete chez nous. Parce qu'une canaille a dit quelques mensonges on doit se croire coupable ? Parce que l'on ne doit pas connaitre Mme Skariatine a cause de son amitie avec mes tantes, on ne doit connaitre personne ?

A thousand thunderbolts! We shall see about that! I shall take matters in hand.

— Mille tonnerres ! On verra bien cela ! Je m'y mettrai.

I was not so courageous this morning; on the contrary, I lay flung back on the sofa, my eyes full of tears, fixed on the shreds of wallpaper hanging from the walls, torn by Pitou. When Walitsky came in and asked what was the matter, Maman answered him. "Well then," he said, "this winter I shall bring Hamilton." Quale una razza del sole che dopo una tempesta, si mostra ridente e amabile, e scherza sugli fogli amora tremanti e umidi.¹ Thus, his name penetrates my soul, warms it, and restores its light. My mouth, grimacing an instant ago, changes to a smile, and my eyes, full of tears and veiled, come alive and shine. And my heart, which seemed asleep, announces itself with redoubled beating. His name is like the sun, which enlivens and cheers by its mere presence.

Je n'etais pas aussi courageuse ce matin, je me tenais au contraire renversee sur le canape les yeux pleins de larmes fixes sur les lambeaux des papiers qui pendent des murs, dechires par Pitou. Lorsque Walitsky entre et demande ce que ca veut dire, maman lui repond. Eh bien dit-il, cet hiver j'amenerai Hamilton. Quale una razza del sole che dopo una tempesta, si mostra ridente e amabile, e scherza sugli fogli amora tremanti e umidi. Tel, son nom penetre dans mon ame, la rechauffe et lui rend la lumiere. Ma bouche, il y a un instant grimacante, se change en un sourire et mes yeux pleins de larmes et voiles s'animent et brillent. Et mon coeur qui semblait endormi s'annonce par des battements redoubles. Son nom est comme le soleil qui anime et egaie par sa seule presence.

The maths professor [sic] arrives; I could not go, but I had to. I asked him not to make me do any mental work --

Le prof, de math, [sic] arrive, je ne pouvais pas aller mais il fallait. Je l'ai prie de ne pas me faire travailler de la tete

Notes

In Italian in the original: "Like a ray of sun which after a storm shows itself smiling and amiable, and plays upon the still-trembling wet leaves." ↩

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