Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Friday, 18 July 1873

I sat again — it is the third time. During the sitting M. and Mme Howard arrived. Looking at the portrait:
Oh! capital, very very good, capital, etc. etc.
We went with them to the Var at four. At last, off we go; the woods are charming, green. Maman, Dina, myself, and the old droll Mrs. Howard in one carriage, the rest in the other. At first I was bored — these people are not for me; he is still not too bad because he sticks his nose in everywhere, and besides journalists pass muster because they know everything; but his mother and his wife! The old one is annoying, funny, and stupid; the young one is... nothing.
There we are, settled on the grass, the places laid, the provisions unpacked. Howard made a drink: a bottle of champagne, two litres of red wine, sugar, two lemons, ice, ginger, a siphon, and cucumber peel. All that together is not bad, upon my word.
I was cheering up a little, and then, to my great delight, we went fishing — Paul, Walitsky, Howard, and I. I had no rod but followed theirs with interest. I was experiencing this pleasure for the first time — it is so amusing! We stayed three hours without speaking, fishing, and they seemed three minutes to me. Then Dina and Maman arrive and begin to talk; Howard too polite to say that it disturbs the fish, and no notice was taken of my words. Then an even greater misfortune — the Howard woman and her companion and maid. What a burden, my God! We caught four miserable little fish; one was fishing, the eel was wriggling, and nobody could strike it hard enough; Howard wounded its tail, it moves, so I put an end to it by cutting off its head. They are astonished at my cruelty back at the house, but I am not discouraged — I place my sentiment elsewhere; I would rather relieve a poor wretch than make faces over an eel or a pigeon. On the way back we were together (the family), and instead of the old woman we had Howard. He is comical too: trousers in tiny grey checks, jacket the same but yellow, a thousand-colour cravat, a blank English collar, hat on the back of his head and a pipe — with the stupid air of a second-rate Englishman at the pigeon shooting. He wants to play the philosopher; he says he is weary of everything. But what pleased me is that he spoke of horses. He said that before he had a yacht, but since the marriage... I said that a steamer is better: "The Duke of Hamilton has a very fine one." This morning he told my aunt that he saw Gioia and Hamilton in Vienna, and that the latter has completely abandoned her. To this, Papa says it is impossible, Georges too; my aunt persists. I should like to believe it.
Then Georges says:
— But these Howards, they speak of Hamilton as a lackey speaks of his master — the whole lot of them are trash.
— In what way trash? I retort.
My aunt:
— And who indeed can know more than the lackeys, really.
And so on in this vein. Georges meant to say that Howard is no better than Drillat; there had been arguments this morning about that Drillat.
I go to Maman:
— Well, there you have it, all the trash — now they are insulting Howard. "Why?" "For what he says about Gioia, about Hamilton — that he is a lackey!"
Her expression changed at the name of Hamilton. She does not like me to speak of him — for her it should be Miloradovitch.
— One has a very good one, he said.
— He no longer has it, I believe.
— Oh! yes, still, always.
— He had no more horses this year.
— You see, the Duke of Hamilton is a man who has committed many follies; he is very rich, a fortune, enormous revenues. The Duke of Hamilton has done many foolish things, but he has economized, and now he has put his fortune in order again.
As if I had asked him for all these explanations!
— Yes! but (wanting to prolong this subject) he is old now, and what good is economizing when one is old?
— But he is not old! He is still a young man.
— How young? I believe he is thirty-eight.
Then Maman: "Thirty-eight is not old," and a dialogue on age. Howard says the Duke is thirty-six.
— That is not possible; he looks as though he were twenty-nine.
This conversation gave me great pleasure. If it is true that Hamilton has abandoned Gioia, here is yet another thing that God gives me and for which I prayed.
Howard spoke to me about horses and races; he will shoot in the winter. He says he can have a horse as good as any that runs at Nice, and perhaps better, for two or three thousand francs — it sounds almost incredible, far too little. But if that is so, I shall, with God's help, have a horse that will race at Nice. How happy I am, and how ungrateful towards God in asking Him for all sorts of things. I have what I desire. No, I said a foolish thing — I am not ungrateful, since it is through the things I ask for and which He gives me that I am happy. My aunt and Maman adore me; all their thoughts are directed towards me, especially Maman — she would cut off her own skin if it could please me. My aunt, these past days, has begun to be so good to me; she caresses me often, and I appreciate these because they are rare and new.
I have only to desire the maddest thing, and they are already calculating how best to do it. I am so enthused about this horse that I am wild. I did nothing all evening but repeat: What happiness, what pleasure to have a racehorse — how proud they will be of me when I go to the weighing enclosure, among the commissioners, the members, the jockeys, the horses! Truly I am mad with joy. Maman promises me, my aunt too, but really — I can see it in the tone. My aunt above all promised me firmly. In the evening, in her room, I came in my light manner, full of enthusiasm, of excitement; I asked her, and she seriously promised. I go to bed at one. We stayed with Princess Galitzine and Mme Daniloff, who returned with my aunt at ten, a few minutes after us, chatting; I was the admiration of Maman — even my aunt does not cease looking at me with a satisfied air. From all sides they tell me I am pretty. Upon my faith, to myself, I do not believe it (my pen cannot write — it wants to fly); I am only pleasing, at moments a little pretty. They love me, everyone loves me. I am happy! I am the happiest creature on earth. If only he loved me! Oh! my God!!!! Drunk with joy, I go out onto the balcony.
But has anyone ever seen a little thing like me with a racehorse? I shall cause a sensation! What jockey colours? Grey and cherry — no, how silly! Green and pale rose. It is too much of His goodness. He overwhelms me; it is something supernatural for me — a horse! Oh! how happy I am, how content — what a silly creature I am! How can I not pour from my overflowing cup to the poor who have nothing. I receive two thousand five hundred francs a month; I give ten per cent to the poor — that makes two hundred and fifty francs. I should like to do more. Oh! but how happy I am!!!!!!!!!
I consulted the signs! And the answer came out yes. And he — when he learns that I have... no, that there is a little girl who has a horse, what will he say? He will turn pale. But what does it matter, provided that with time he be mine! Through this horse I might come to know him — there is another happiness.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩
"Fishing" and "fisher" in English in the original. ↩