Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 21 June 1873

At six in the morning I found the whole house on its feet, preparing for the trial. Georges' case comes up today at eight. I sit down at the piano; Maman arrives — it is not yet over; she is not pleased. There was some business or other with witnesses — the devil knows what! Then Lefevre comes; Georges, displeased, hurls insults at him — fortunate that with Lefevre this has no consequences. In short, it would take too long to recount all the comings and goings, all the pros and cons, etc. etc. etc. M. Patton, M. and Mme Anitchkoff, Georges, and Walitsky lunched with us. At two they will have to go back again.
We have no news from Russia. Things are going badly, no doubt. Oh! if the lawsuit were lost! While I was at the piano, terrible thoughts were passing through my head. And they are still astonished that I look tired. I would not wish my enemy to suffer as much as I do. All the horrors of our position present themselves clearly to me. The carelessness of Maman and my aunt simply kills me! That is to say, there are no words strong enough to express my grief. In me, all this shows itself differently than in others: some lament, while I put on a calm air, as though I feel nothing, as though I am made of wood. At the very least, unable to remain quite calm, I lose my temper with everyone and everything. And the others think I am wicked and that it is my ugly character. Whereas it is the sorrow, the dreadful, unbearable anxiety, that causes it. Oh! how I pity the people who envy me! They do not know what I suffer! And even the people of the household take me for an unfeeling egoist. Even my mother thinks it! They do not know that I feel and suffer more than they do. For they do not wish to face the danger. They always say: "No, no, let us not look at that — better later, later, not just yet." As if it were not better to swallow the bitter pill sooner, to be free of it, than to remain in suspense — and this suspense is as dreadful as the thing itself.
No one has any energy! No one dares do what they must! And I am tortured in silence. Oh! if only I could direct everything!!!!
It is not this wretched Tolstoy lawsuit that worries me — I do not even think of it. It is there in Russia; that is where the main thing is happening. This case is just; I am not partial. We ought to win it. In any case, it is for Him to decide how it must be! I place my trust in Him! He is merciful; He will not abandon me! Oh! Holy Virgin! Protect me — us.
That is to say, God alone knows what I endure. I believe that freshness, beauty, and youth all depend on peace of mind. What am I at fourteen? An old woman and nothing more. Two months ago I was fair, rosy, fresh, gay. Now my complexion is dark, the skin wrinkled, pale, yellowish! It is partly that scoundrel Collignon who has done this. I am only flushed by fits, when I am hot. My natural colour is pale, yellowish.
Oh! my God, I have no hope but in Thee! Inspire them with energy, as Thou hast inspired in Georges the desire and the courage to appear. How can I not pray to Thee, Thou who dost everything for me! Thou from whom I have everything! Thou whom I am not even worthy to thank, and whom I dare to pray to! Thou at last, Lord, whom I shall never know how to call by Thy rightful names! And Thou, oh! my God, alone, merciful, almighty, and ever good! Thou and Thy Son — He who has delivered the whole world! Will He not deliver me? I am unworthy of His goodness and His mercy. But He is so great! Will He disdain to help me? I am not worthy of His contempt. But does He despise? No — I will see in Him only mercy and indulgence! I turn to Him, then! May He pray His Father and the Holy Virgin to protect me, to help me, to save me.
Only around half past five do they return. M. Malausséna spoke splendidly, but there was not a single outside witness to declare having seen that Georges did not strike the Tolstoy woman. All these friends are enemies. All those who promised, seeing the appeal of the case, either stood aside or said insignificant things. Patton simply testified against, and he was the one who shouted the loudest. He is condemned to six days in prison and five hundred francs in fines. That changes nothing at all — two months or six days, it is the same! Georges is very irritated; he insulted Lefevre again — poor stout fellow, he did what he could; mostly he prattled — well, it is vexing all the same. It is nothing to me; it is Russia that troubles me! Maman is nearly ill; she weeps. General confusion. They will appeal to Aix, I believe.