Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Wednesday, 4 June 1873

It is twenty minutes to seven. I sit down to write, for I have had a horrible dream: we were in a house I do not know, when suddenly I — or someone else, I do not remember — looks through the window and I see the sun growing, growing, covering nearly half the sky. But it is not brilliant and does not give heat. Then it divides — a quarter disappears, the rest begins to turn, changing colour. We are horrified. Then it half-covers itself with a cloud. Then it stops, and we are all the more horror-struck. Everyone cries out:
The sun has stopped!
As if its natural position were to turn. It remained for a few minutes motionless and enormous but pale. Then the whole earth became strange. It is not that it tottered — I cannot express what it was; it does not fit into what we see every day. Words do not exist to express what we do not understand. Then again it began to turn like two wheels one inside the other — that is, the bright sun was covered at certain moments by a cloud as round as itself.
The tumult was general. I asked myself if it was the end of the world. But I wanted to believe it was only for a moment.
Maman was not with us; she arrived in a sort of omnibus and did not seem frightened. Everything was strange. Even this omnibus was not as usual. Then I began to look at my dresses as if we had to go back. We packed things in a small trunk. But at that instant it all begins again. It is the end of the world, surely. But I ask myself: how is it that God told me nothing? And that I am not worthy to witness this day alive?
Everyone is afraid. At last we get into the carriage with Maman and return I know not where.
In this whole scene I saw various figures — many people from the Promenade des Anglais, etc.
What does this dream mean? Is it sent by God to warn me of some great event, or is it simply nerves?
I remember this dream fairly well. The sky was dark everywhere with stars; the sun appeared now and then, light but not very, as at five in the morning. Then it ended by disappearing entirely. How can one do without the sun? The world will end! Then strange things happened. I cannot describe them, for there is nothing they resemble. I have no words to express what I saw, for it was supernatural.
In the afternoon I went out with Maman and Dina to look at apartments. Rubioni suits us best — one can put a croquet set there. The family who lived there before had a croquet set (violet dress). All these days the weather has been dreadful. It is the first time in my life I have seen a wind like this. This wind mixed with sand carries everything off, overturns everything. It is dreadful! There is no air and the wind burns. In the evening at seven we went out again; the wind was a little less strong. We went to the Howards'. They were delighted to see us — kisses without end. They are charming after all. They kissed my hands; I was embarrassed. I told them the story of Mlle Collignon. At the beginning she was charming — a perfection. Then she missed lessons, etc. etc. — and the finale. They were astonished at my calm. Lise said to me:
— She is so kind, so kind and good!!
— Well! my dear — you see her in the drawing room; you do not know what she is at home, in the house. I see you here very good — and perhaps you are a devil at home; perhaps you break the windowpanes?
— And I too — who knows what I am in my bedroom? Perhaps a fury? Perhaps I play the devil?
We had a fine time. The Friedlanders are here. Mme Howard invited them to stay at the villa in her absence. M. Friedlander promised an English governess. Oh! if only she is good. It is half past nine when I return.
All these days are consumed by the affair. Georges will not come, and everything depends on him. Without him nothing can be done. His presence would work miracles. That woman's deceits would be uncovered and we should be justified.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩