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Friday, 7 March 1873

Vendredi 7 mars 1873

Very fine weather, no wind at all, not too much sun — there were moments when it hid itself entirely.

Très beau temps, pas du tout de vent, pas trop de soleil, il y avait des moments où il se cachait tout à fait.

To the promenade on horseback with the man Caubet. I had the black horse — very pretty, lively, even spirited. Leaving the house I turned toward the Var, intending to take a riding lesson there. At that moment I met Boreel on horseback, coming the other way. He looked at me a good deal. At the end of the promenade I met Maman returning from Mme Howard’s, and she followed me with the carriage. A great many people — I was enormously looked at. All Nice was at the promenade; I galloped a great deal and spoke with several gentlemen. Maman stopped to speak with Count Gabrielli, and so did I. At that moment Boreel’s sister and her husband passed. They looked at us a good deal. I believe they will talk at home because they saw me galloping very hard. I am very pleased with this promenade. Then I slowed my pace to speak with Papa¹ and Emile. At that moment Boreel came the other way. I set off; he passed me — he looked at me, he looked at me even too much. And if I am not imagining too much, he looked at me as I used to look at him when I wanted to tell him by a glance that I love him! I saw him no more. At dinner we spoke of him; we had Markevitch with us. Then Emile said:

A la promenade à cheval avec l’homme Caubet. J’avais le cheval noir très joli, vif et même fougueux. En sortant de la maison j’ai tourné vers le Var ayant l’intention d’y prendre une leçon d’équitation. A ce moment je rencontre Boreel avec un cheval en face. Il m’a assez regardé. Au bout de la promenade j’ai rencontré maman revenant de chez Mme Howard et elle me suivit avec la voiture. Beaucoup de monde, on m’a énormément regardée. Tout Nice était à la promenade, j’ai beaucoup galopé, j’ai parlé à plusieurs messieurs, maman s’est arrêtée pour parler au comte Gabrielli, moi aussi. En ce moment la sœur de Boreel avec son mari passaient. Ils nous ont beaucoup regardés. Je crois qu’ils vont parler à la maison parce qu’ils m’ont vu galoper très fort. Je suis très contente de cette promenade, puis j’ai ralenti le pas pour parler à papa et Emile. En ce moment Boreel vient en face. Je partis, il me passa, il me regarda, il me regarda même trop. Et si je ne m’imagine rien de trop, il me regarda comme quand je voulais lui dire par un regard que je l’aime ! Je ne le vis plus. A dîner on parla de lui, nous avions Markevitch. Puis Emile dit:

— Why does Boreel blush when he greets Machenka?² Then Dina said (speaking to me):

— Pourqoi Boreel rougit-il quand il salue Machenka ? Alors Dina dit (en me parlant):

— It is because he saw you on horseback, and the way he turned around was simply terrible!³ etc.

— Cela vient de ce qu’il t’a vue à cheval, et la façon dont il s’est retourné c’est simplement terrible ! etc.

Never have I been looked at as I was today.

Jamais je ne fus regardée comme aujourd’hui.

Coming home, I looked at myself and found I looked very well — white and pink. His gaze astonished me; our eyes met. I looked into the very pupil of his eye and... I no longer found an iron barrier as before. I do not know how to express it... in short, he looked at me the way I used to look at him to tell him that I love him. I am very pleased about it, although I shall never love him seriously; but he pleases me very much, and it will amuse me if he loves me.

En rentrant, je me suis regardée et je me suis trouvée très bien, blanche et rose. Son regard m’a étonnée, nos yeux se rencontrèrent. Je l’ai regardé dans la prunelle et... je n’ai plus trouvé de barrière en fer comme auparavant. Je ne sais comment m’exprimer... enfin il me regarda comme je le regardai, mais pour lui dire que je l’aime. J’en suis très contente bien que je ne l’aimerai jamais sérieusement, mais il me plaît beaucoup, et cela m’amusera s’il m’aime.

in the margin

This eternal love you, love me, etc. gets on my nerves!!!

dans la marge Cet éternel t’aime, m’aime etc. m’agace !!!

Notes

In the diary of 1873–1877 Marie’s “Papa” is usually her maternal grandfather, Stepan Babanine (1807–1878), whom the whole household, her mother included, called Papa. Her father, Constantin Bashkirtseff, lived apart in Poltava province and appears as “my father”; she calls him Papa only when she is with him (his visit to Nice in November 1873; Poltava and Gavrontsi in summer and autumn 1876). The first French edition (1887) and Mathilde Blind’s English translation (1890) print “grand-papa” here; Katherine Kernberger (2013) keeps “Papa” and glosses Stepan Babanine as “Marie’s grandfather (1807-1878), addressed as ‘Papa’”. ↩

Written in Russian in the manuscript; French translation by the editor. ↩

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