Tuesday, 4 December 1883

It did not go as I wished — the whole day; I continued by gaslight and could not get free of it... [Words blackened: That] gives me an air as concentrated and as disagreeable as Bastien-Lepage — and I am flattered by it, just as formerly I was flattered to wear a skirt askew like Breslau. It is not disagreeable that one ought to say, but... indifferent and tranquil, and also disagreeable — one takes no interest in what people are saying, one looks at them as objects... One is Up There... Bastien is as I am today... But I — I am taking on the tone and the manner of the late Michelangelo... or of Victor Hugo. If this absurdity is not justified by talent — beware! I shall vilify myself. We were ten at table... I am not displeased that people come like that unannounced... But if they were at least people of worth... In any case — if Bastien-Lepage marries Mackay, it will be all the same to me at bottom and on the surface too. But I shall have to find another man of genius — an exceptional nature... concentrated, detached, and disagreeable. It seems to me that the amiability of concentrated people... must be more precious than that of others, for either it is natural, in which case they love you, or it is forced, in which case it is a great effort they are making. As for me, I endeavour to be benevolent... as far as my genius permits... That word amuses me — it is immense, and I am so little that I am permitted to play with it.