Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 18 September 1883

Maman arrived this morning. She has spent a month in Petersburg scheming to obtain… It is Madame Doubelt again, sister of Princess Souvoroff, who has been most useful to her. She introduced Maman to the Metropolitan (our pope, more or less), who gave her a letter for Prince Orloff, the ambassador to Paris. That is the key document. [Crossed out: And thanks to the Doubelt] the letter should be a good one, for the holy father has been bound for years to Madame Basilewsky (Madame Doubelt's mother) by a friendship said to be criminal.
Madame Basilewsky is enormously rich — she is seventy-one years old and the Metropolitan is eighty-four; his name is Isidore.
Besides, the high Russian clergy can only be compared to Roman cardinals for amiability — they are perhaps a little less stylish, but still…
Ordinary priests up to archpriests marry. But the great dignitaries are recruited from among the monks.
The greatest ladies — and often the richest — adore them.
Maman also called on the Archimandrite Ignace, the celebrated superior of the famous convent of Saint-Serge. He — a former painter who still paints, and also an architect and writer — sends me his portrait with the words: [Blacked out: May the blessing] of God descend upon your works.
I accept. In sum, it is not he who blesses but God, and it is an old man calling God's blessing down upon me. Perhaps it will bring me luck.
Maman has seen many other people besides, but as I see neither interest nor utility in them… The Metropolitan's letter ought to carry weight, it seems to me. Well, we shall see.
And then a thousand insubstantial gossipings about the countryside, inheritance intrigues, etc., etc., etc.
It seems that the Russian press, by taking notice of me, has caused everyone to take a little notice of me — and among others, the Grand Duchess Catherine. Maman has struck up an acquaintance with her Grand Chamberlain and his wife. This could lead to an appointment as lady-in-waiting, for the chamberlain is liked by the Grand Duchess. What else.
She stayed there with almost no money. I was writing every day: sacrifice thirty thousand francs and I shall be a lady-in-waiting. Pooh! One is never listened to, and without the Doubelt there would have been nothing. It is truly unfortunate to have such a family.
And they claim to live only for me! Good heavens. Well, everything has been said on that subject.
Seizing a tuppenny excuse, she left everything unfinished and came back here.
"I was too bored."
One can have no idea. And I am the victim.
Words, words, words.
And never anything more.
To go to Petersburg with no money and spend one's time in insubstantial conversations…
In short, she is a madwoman, and I was quite wrong to believe that my health, my tears, my letters, my sorrows meant anything… So long as there are no draughts and I eat at table. These women see no further than that. They understand nothing of life.
But to a senseless degree — and when the time comes to marry me, they will not be able to manage it. I would need to be established, have a house arranged and everything. Oh, yes, certainly! If a Prince Charming presents himself, all will be well — but a practical, convenient Parisian marriage. A house, an income… And that only because one must do as everyone else does and think of serious things. They do not understand.
They are stupid, they are obstinate, they are uncivilized.
Their great answer: everything cannot be done in a day — and when things have dragged on for ten years they are annoyed to be spoken to about it; it disturbs their peace of mind. Let it drag, so long as they need not exert the least energy.
I would far prefer wickedness, crimes, misconduct!
But this calm stupidity will kill me.