Sunday, 20 May 1883
# Dimanche 20 mai 1883
Maman arrived during the night from Thursday to Friday; we received a telegram on Saturday in which she says my father's health is wretched. Today his valet writes that his condition is hopeless.
Maman est arrivée dans la nuit de jeudi à vendredi, nous avons une dépêche samedi ou elle dit que la santé de mon père est déplorable. Aujourd'hui son valet de chambre écrit que son état est désespéré.
I shall grieve only as much as will be necessary. One lays down one's arms before death: peace and contemplation. They say he is suffering greatly. I am glad Maman arrived in time.
Je ne m'affligerai que tout juste ce qu'il faudra. On désarme devant la mort; Paix et recueillement. On dit qu'il souffre beaucoup. Je suis contente que maman soit arrivée à temps.
The Salon closes tomorrow. Three days of voting for the awards, then it reopens Thursday. I dreamed of a coffin placed on the bed — a young girl inside, glowing phosphorescent in the dark. One day, when I have talent, I shall preoccupy people the way Bastien preoccupies me now.
A Swedish woman, married to a Chadwick, writes asking for my impressions of her Salon painting. Eternal fishermen by the sea. Agreeable colour; repugnant subject. I cannot say this. I am forced to find something true — truly true — to say. I write that the background is charming, that there is real sincerity in it — both of which are, at least, not lies. I rewrite the letter. I suppress the underlined words. Will I always be capable of this absolute probity? I know myself only now, today, and I rewrite the letter.