Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday, 15 January 1883

Mme Gavini comes for luncheon and, as she always tells the plain truth, especially given where things stand, I take some pleasure in hearing her say that the evening was superb, that everyone is talking of nothing else, that the supper was magnificent, the cotillon delightful, etc. The accessories had been specially ordered, monogrammed for us, etc.
Add to that the story of the cancellation letters, and it is the talk of the day — the letters did no harm if one measures by the noise made.
In any case, it does nothing to help matters with Bastien and the other newspapers.
When I think that I also sent notes to the Gazette diplomatique and they are going to appear tomorrow... I could curse myself... The Figaro article is very, very kind and it would be charming were it not for all those names cited... It gives the air of self-promotion, of a flashy upstart — it keeps certain people from coming... In any case... When it is not others, it is I who make trouble for myself...
It seems that for eighteen months or two years, mad things have been said about me... Why???
It fills one with stupefaction, fury, and despair.
This evening I was about to go down in my dressing gown and Rosalie, forcing me to dress:
— One mustn't come to dinner like that...
— But it's only Michka!
— Never mind, anyone at all — it makes a bad impression, especially when people are saying things that would make you throw yourself from a fifth-floor window, and adds to it... Come now, come now, let us dress.
And this morning, on the subject of Soutzo, she said again that it was no matter — but before this Soutzo there was never all the gossip there is now, and the bad reputation and all the rest...
It is quite colossal, you must admit! What have I done these past two years? Come now — it is impossible that people invent things like this! Am I mad, or is it some deliberate infamy? But my God, what must I do? Defend me, you who are good, who are just, who are great.