Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday, 15 January 1883

Mme Gavini comes for luncheon and, as she always tells the plain truth, especially given where things stand, I take some pleasure in hearing her say that the evening was superb, that everyone is talking of nothing else, that the supper was magnificent, the cotillon delightful, etc. The accessories had been specially ordered, monogrammed for us, etc.

Mme Gavini vient a dejeuner et comme elle dit toujours les verites crues...

Add to that the story of the cancellation letters, and it is the talk of the day — the letters did no harm if one measures by the noise made.

Joignez a cela l'histoire des lettres de contre-ordre...

In any case, it does nothing to help matters with Bastien and the other newspapers.

Enfin, cela n'arrange pas mes affaires avec Bastien et les autres journaux

When I think that I also sent notes to the Gazette diplomatique and they are going to appear tomorrow... I could curse myself... The Figaro article is very, very kind and it would be charming were it not for all those names cited... It gives the air of self-promotion, of a flashy upstart — it keeps certain people from coming... In any case... When it is not others, it is I who make trouble for myself...

Quand je pense que j'ai encore envoye des notes a "La Gazette diplomatique"...

It seems that for eighteen months or two years, mad things have been said about me... Why???

Il parait que depuis dix-huit mois ou deux ans, on dit de moi des choses folles... Pourquoi ???

It fills one with stupefaction, fury, and despair.

Cela remplit de stupeur, de rage et de desespoir.

This evening I was about to go down in my dressing gown and Rosalie, forcing me to dress:

Ce soir j'allais descendre en peignoir et Rosalie tout en me forcant a m'habiller:

— One mustn't come to dinner like that...

— Il ne faut pas se montrer a diner comme ca...

— But it's only Michka!

— Mais il n'y a que Michka !

— Never mind, anyone at all — it makes a bad impression, especially when people are saying things that would make you throw yourself from a fifth-floor window, and adds to it... Come now, come now, let us dress.

— C'est egal, n'importe qui, ca fait un vilain effet surtout qu'on dit des choses a se jeter d'un cinquieme, et en ajoute...

And this morning, on the subject of Soutzo, she said again that it was no matter — but before this Soutzo there was never all the gossip there is now, and the bad reputation and all the rest...

Et ce matin a propos de Soutzo, elle a encore dit que c'est egal, avant ce Soutzo il n'y a jamais eu tous les potins qu'il y a a present...

It is quite colossal, you must admit! What have I done these past two years? Come now — it is impossible that people invent things like this! Am I mad, or is it some deliberate infamy? But my God, what must I do? Defend me, you who are good, who are just, who are great.

C'est tout de meme colossal avouez-le I!