Saturday, 28 January 1882

[Words blacked out: It is above all having the thought that I would have chosen to shine] there in Cassagnac's eyes. It is for that reason that I want to go to the Queen's soirées and to be everywhere this chaste sovereign presides, for he is her friend and I have the chance of meeting him there.

So these petty miseries, these wounds to vanity are complicated by a discontent of the heart... It is now nearly five and a half years since I first saw him... Boulevard Haussmann, No. 2, first floor, at the Mouzay's — I can see the drawing room, the furniture, the half-lowered blinds because of the heat, myself seated on the sofa near the window and him opposite on a chair... But, you will say, there has been Larderei since... That was absolutely nothing — barely a passing cloud; I was caught at first sight and caught thoroughly — unless I am deceiving myself... For it may be that I am under an illusion: I invented this feeling, developed it, arranged it, and grew accustomed to it.