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Wednesday, 23 November 1881
And amid all of that, something like a guilty pleasure at the idea of seeing Nice again. [Blacked out: Wretched nature II and time wasted! More amateur walks, and I can find neither excuse nor consolation in myself. I who have prayed so much to God! Well, I can defy them as I did last winter — but if I often have weeks like this one... I did not have them last year. In the end I asked Charcot: shall I die if I stay? That is hardly likely.— Tell me plainly. — If you spend the winter in Paris you are a dead woman.
— I cannot speak against my conscience... But if I had known that such language would be effective I would have used it, for you must leave — and perhaps next winter too... Well, it is the same as last winter.
Et au milieu de cela comme un secret plaisir a l'idee de revoir Nice. [ Mots noircis: Nature maljheureuse II et le temps perdu ! Encore des promenades d'amateurs, et je ne me trouve ni excuse ni consolation. Moi qui ai tant prie Dieu ! Enfin je puis leur desobeir comme l'hiver passe mais si j'ai souvent des semaines comme celle-ci... je n'en ai pas eu l'annee derniere. Enfin j'ai demande a Charcot, mourrai-je si je reste ? Cela n'est guere possible. — Enfin dites-moi, - Si vous passez l'hiver a Paris vous etes morte. — Je ne puis vous parler contre ma conscience... Mais si j'avais su qu'un tel langage serait efficace je l'aurai employe car il faut que vous partiez et peut-etre l'hiver prochain aussi... Enfin c'est comme l'hiver dernier.