Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Wednesday, 30 August 1876 (18 August) — Theatre Debauchery and Marriage Plans

You [go to] the theatre treading on the toes of those who arrived before you, exchanging handshakes — or rather extending your fingers — to friends who tell you of the new actress's success while you ogle the women with your most impertinent air, believing you are creating an impression. And how wrong you are! And how the women see straight through you!
You ruin yourselves prostrating before the stars of Paris who, burnt out there, come to shine in your midst; you sup, you fall asleep on the carpet, but the restaurant waiters do not leave you to your madness — they stuff pillows under your head and cover you with blankets over your wine-soaked evening coat and your crumpled collar.
You return home in the morning to go to bed — or rather, you are returned home. And how pale, how wrinkled you are then! And how you pity yourselves! Then, then... at around thirty-five or forty, one falls definitively in love with a dancer and marries her. She beats you, and you play the most wretched part in the wings while she dances!
Here I was interrupted — Gritz and Michel [both fell to their knees] and begged to kiss my hand, crying out that it was fabulous and that I spoke like a book.
— Only, said Gritz, the last part... everything is true except the dancer. I will only marry a society woman. And I am a family man — I would adore to have my house, my wife, and fat screaming babies! I'm wild about them. I shall marry a person of society, and at thirty-one, in nine years' time.
— And perhaps you will marry within the month, said Pacha with ferocity. He had not said a single word, but I had been following the play of his face. A remarkable man — he will do dreadful things in his life and come to a bad end. It seems to me that he will kill himself; he is capable of doing so with the most perfect composure. Or else he will kill.